Random thought: Social Media Prayer

I wonder how different the world would be if everybody who usually only says that we need to “pray on it” would actually offer a solution or support or some type of guidance in order to address situations.

In a world full of #pray4everybody, it seems that people are on autopilot just to clear their conscience. Yes, continue to pray and show them that you support them and are thinking about them, but what are you doing to HELP them?

That’s just my two cents…

When choosing you is painful but absolutely necessary

Word of advice. Don’t listen to Adele “Love in the Dark” if your life ain’t together. It’ll have you at work, typing notes, trying to sing with a sore throat almost in tears. Or maybe that’s just me. But hey here we are. 

So if you’ve made it this far and got here by clicking on the link on my Facebook page then you are probably already aware of my terrible luck at love. But if you wandered here after reading one of my dear friends’ posts linked on their page, let me fill you in. Long story short: I have terrible luck at love. Even longer story even shorter: recent break up, 9 months (my longest relationship at almost 30), and he walked out leaving me at at Salsaritas. If it wasn’t for their queso and pineapple salsa I would have probably never gone back. 

So. Again. Adele. “Love in the Dark.” Listen to it if you haven’t. Listen again if you have. Cry if you need to. Proceed with this post when done. 

Sometimes choosing yourself is the most painful thing you can do. It is often that way for me. As a hopeless romantic, I long for the day I fall in love (again) and we ride off into the moonlight to start our happily ever after. I often doubt it’s actually meant to be for me but that’s another post for another day. What I have learned about myself in the few relationships I have had is that I will give 110% as soon as I care about you even a little bit. I will bend over backwards and find ways to part the sea if it means making you happy. What I have learned about other people is that this is typically not reciprocated.

So after giving so much of myself for any amount of time, the moment always comes when I have to make the ultimate sacrifice and choose myself. And it always sucks. I always feel like I’m betraying someone even though I’ve just spent any number of days, weeks or months betraying myself. 

Most recently, I spent nine months, miserably loving a man who was convinced I was not as amazing as I was presenting to be. He was scared and so I suffered. I gave, and gave, and gave in hopes that he would believe that I was who I said I was. And yet, he still walked out. No amount of love on my part could have made him stay. That was his stuff. I often took responsibility for his stuff. I do that a lot. 

But as is usually the case, they come back. They always come back. And up until this point in my life I usually took them back. But please refer to my bio. I mean it when I said 29 years and 9 months was the exact age when I became too old for this shit. This shit being not being appreciated, love not being reciprocated and having to be lost before being taken serious. 

So I chose me. I chose me even though it hurt like hell to do so. I chose me even though I could hear the tears in his voice and knew how much it took for him to write the emails. I chose me over the flowers. I chose me over the words. I chose the me I was now over the me I was for nine months. I chose my best life, even if it is a single life, over a life of frustration, fear, and sadness just for love. I chose me as my heart broke for this relationship one last time. And even though there was a very loud voice in my head saying take him back, he means it, it’s really what you want…I still chose me. 

As the days pass so does the pain. The relief I felt was almost instant and my clients and coworkers noticed it even if they didn’t know what it was. Choosing me was painful but necessary and I vow to do it every time the opportunity arises moving forward. Call me selfish, or mean, or tell me I’ve built the biggest wall ever. Who knows. But the way it’s been going, no ones ever chosen me before so if no one else will…I will. 

Not going to lie though, still secretly holding out for the day that someone does choose me and oh will I choose them with all that is in me…we shall see. 
“You have given me something that I can’t live without. You mustn’t underestimate that when you are in doubt. But I don’t want to carry on like everything is fine. The longer we ignore it all the more that we will fight. Please don’t fall apart. I can’t face your breaking heart. I’m trying to be brave. Stop asking me to stay.

I can’t love you in the dark. It feels like we’re oceans apart. There is so much space between us. Maybe we’re already defeated. Ah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah everything changed me. 

We’re not the only ones. I don’t regret a thing. Every word I’ve said. You know I’ll always mean. It is the world to me. That you are in my life. But I want to live and not just survive“- Adele

Pre First Date Thoughts

I just touched up my make up and am heading down 12 floors in an elevator, gonna stop to pass some time, maybe have a shot or something, to take the jitters off… Cause I’m currently less than an hour out from a first date.

Ok. Hold on. People who text and walk in NYC are the absolute worst, can’t walk…

Ok. I’m back in my favorite place to grab an after work caipirinha. Yum. I can feel the alcohol. He made this one well.

So yeah, pre date is kind of the worst. Angsty, nervous, butterflies, and scared as hell that this will be Tinder/Bumble/SoulSwipe/Match/insert other crappy ways to try to meet someone you connect with and can watch movies Sat night til you pass out and brunch with in the morning date #2019749 that goes nowhere (see Malcolm’s earlier post) for details. And so the pre date thoughts begin…

I look down at my toes and wonder why I didn’t paint them… well this was kinda a surprise, and he should know I’m a hot mess anyway.

Wondering if he is as good as he seems or is it bull like all 9374029 times?

Will this be fun? Will he take an interesting turn at the end of the night and be a baby, asshole, demanding, abusive, or weird?

Is this shade of lipstick nice?

What is cachaca anyway? I love this cocktail.

Is he the one?

Stop thinking about if he is the one. Everyone says so. Go with the flow. Be a dead fish in that way. Not ok to think nice guy is the one.

Does he look like his pics?

Hell, do I look like my pics?

Will we kiss? Ladies don’t kiss in the first date. Good thing I’m not a lady.

Is he the one?

STOP STOP STOP. Not allowed to think of people as potential mates. All the latest advice from every single and partnered person, magazine, article, self help book and auntie says so. This is why you fail!!

He wrote a book? Who TF writes a book?

This girl brought her date and her friends and had her dad meet her at this bar? Weird. But cool. My dad would do that.

Ok date. Probably, should take the train now. Damn trains. Better not be late.

This outfit makes me look curvy AF in a good way.

I hope he’s not a serial killer, despite the fact I’ve never met a serial killer on online dating.

He has nice shoulders and arms in his pics. The better to lift you with.Yassssss.

LeAnna, don’t be so lusty. Sheesh.

Malcolm would say be lusty.

Ashley would too.

I hope he calls me after.

Ahhh screw it… is he THE ONE?!?!

Time to go now and face the date!!!

Oh wait. His train is late. Better have another drink and think more thoughts!!

Thoughts I have had this week that I did not post to Facebook because I knew this blog was happening…

1. Y’all don’t want me to lose this weight? Why, because I will be out here in crop tops and high waisted shorts/ pants every chance I get if my body ever gets right. Don’t believe me just watch.

2. I think Cardi B was my spirit animal in a past life. I have zero current connection to anything she says but when I hear her I just feel it in my soul.

3. One month does not a changed man make. Let that simmer.

4. ProFlowers do not smell good when they’ve been heating up in your car all day.

5. Please don’t let me get arrested at work.

6. If I get arrested right now I’m okay.

7. I wonder if all those people who told me to start a blog will actually read this.

8. Ahhhh hell.

9. Pretty sure I’m getting sick

10. Yep I’m sick

11. Ashley, you definitely have the juice!

12. I hate odd numbers!