Harsh Truths From Gentle Friends

Tonight I am thankful for friends who say what needs to be said even when it is tough to hear.

I have been blessed beyond measure with three intelligent, amazing, beautiful, kind and ferocious female friends that make up the inner most circle of my tribe. They have laughed with me, cried with me, traveled with me, gotten drunk on nachos, margaritas and self-love with me, and when I have been completely broken and not had any idea how to put myself back together they have not tried to fix me. Instead, they have gently held my broken pieces and breathed words of life and loving reminders of why I deserve to be whole and complete in my own right. They kept my pieces safe until I was strong enough to put them back together. For this, I am eternally grateful.

But sometimes…a lot of the time…they are more than willing to say the not so nice things. The things that hurt. The things that knock a few pieces loose again and cause me to have to re-arrange and rebuild. It hurts. It sucks. But I know that it is done with the most love imaginable as they only want to see me thrive and be the best me I can be.

This happened Thursday night. So Tegan…this ones for you!

After a long day of work, a rough couple weeks (okay months) in the lack of love department and right before watching the much anticipated Black Panther premier, as I stuffed nachos in my mouth and had another discussion about why men suck, why I deleted tinder and why I refuse to settle. Tegan, my most gentle and kind friend and the last person on this planet who would purposefully hurt someone, after explaining to me what she feels is causing my frustration and patiently listening to my rebuttal uttered this statement…

“But you’re still single”

From a few tables down I legit heard the waitress say “Damn Tegan. Shots fired.” (We frequent this restaurant a lot but they know each other from high school just in case you were wondering).

Let me back up just a tiny bit to give some context to the statement. But trust me. It doesn’t make it any less harsh.

Here is a brief history of my dating life: I’m minding my business trying to live my best life. Random guy enters the picture in some random way (tinder, going out, sliding in my DM’s, someone saying hey I think you would like this guy. Normal 21st century dating stuff). I give said guy a chance. If I had a super power, it would be my ability to see the good in anyone, latch onto that, and fall in love with it. That happens. I’m amazing. Guy decides nope not what he wants. Guy exits in some usual dramatic way that involves either a very confusing argument or him explaining how amazing and wonderful I am but why he just can’t be with me because he is scared, has goals, doesn’t want to hurt me, or they try to convince me I’m crazy for having standards. I’m sad for a while (though the amount of time spent being sad is getting shorter and shorter). And I swear off all men. Until the cycle starts again. And scene.

It works like clockwork it’s almost scary. So after this happening about 13574893020193837920 times (actual number. Not an exaggeration). I guess the people closest to you get pretty sick of it and decide forget it…I’m just going to let her know it’s all her fault so she can fix the problem and finally find a man.

Just kidding. That’s not what she did. I gave her a really hard time and got really loud and dramatic and for the duration of the movie told everyone I was re-evaluating our friendship. But really I totally understood what she was saying.

So the discussion prior to the statement was that I tend to date the same type of guy. And clearly that’s not working. A lot of the discussion centered around looks and the type of guy I am attracted to and maybe that’s why it’s not working for me. Her thesis was that I need to date someone I’m not attracted to and that attraction will grow and that other things should be more important. That I need to try something different.

Let me pause right here. I’m not shallow. Of the list of qualities I am looking for in a man, drop dead gorgeous Michael B Jordan look alike is not one of them (though I wouldn’t be mad if it happened that way)

I have dated some ugly guys (sorry if you’re one of them) but according to Tegan, I even have an ugly guy type.

So her suggestion was try something different. Find a nerdy, ugly guy who I’m not attracted to who would worship the ground I walk on. Attraction will grow.

My concern is however, that to me that sounds a lot like settling. Not to say I would never date a “nerd.” I’m sure plenty of people would call me a nerd for my love of reading, knitting and all things Harry Potter related. But to me it felt like “don’t chase the spark” (explanation to come) and just find someone who is looking for a relationship and see if it works out. And my fear more than being single forever, is settling just to be with someone and waking up 20 years from now not knowing how I got there and wanting to run.

I don’t think it’s wrong to want a spark (see I told you it was coming). And not a lustful dang he’s beautiful I want to have his babies even though he is a butt hole spark. But a connection. One I’ve never been able to explain but have felt on several occasions leading me to no longer believe in the idea of a soul mate. But something that makes me interested from the beginning and wanting to spend time with them and get to know them. To endure bad days with them and be their safe space and to know each other.

and for that spark to grow into a beautiful, committed, connected relationship that is unbreakable by fight, or distance or some random thot.

But here’s the thing. Of all my friends. Tegan is the only one of us not single. Not only is she not single, she’s engaged!

So I would be stupid not to at least take a few minutes (or the remainder of dinner and the duration of Black Panther) to think about what she said.

While I watched all the amazing black women before me on the movie screen with a few glimpses of men in there too I got to thinking about what I admired most about Tegan. I know she hates being called strong but that’s exactly what it is. In particular, her ability to hear “advice” and opinions from all sorts of people, including myself, take it, process it and in the end come up and act on the decision that works best for her. It takes strength to go against almost everyone’s opinion of your relationship and say screw you, I’m sticking with it because it works for me. It might not make sense to you, but it’s my life, I see the vision, and I have faith that in the end it will all make sense for everyone else.

That’s purposefully vague because I’m not trying to put all of Tegan’s business out there but just know, that it worked out. Heck, she got the ring, but more than that she has a man she loves, who adores her and it works for them. I can’t be mad at that.

So, I said all that to say this. As I sat in a movie theater, watching one of the most amazing movies I’ve seen, with a cast full of beautiful and amazing black people, and strong and fierce black women, next to my best friend whom at the moment I was deciding wether I wanted her to remain my best friend, I came to the conclusion that maybe she’s right. She probably is right. But I also came to another conclusion…

Maybe I’m right too…

Maybe it is possible to find someone, and have that initial spark, and be attracted to them in all different areas, and for them to like me back and want to make things work. I don’t like operating from a mindset that assumes that all interesting, intriguing, goal oriented, employed, and slightly attractive men, especially black men, are ass holes. I have seen many a woman with this kind of man and it work. So I have chosen to hold out faith that it will happen for me. That I won’t have to settle. That there is someone out there who as Tegan put it “will appreciate all the awesomeness” that is me.

And maybe he’ll be gorgeous, or maybe he’ll be my kind of ugly. Maybe I’ll have to try something new and get out of my comfort zone, or actually leave the house, or maybe he’ll be at Salsa’s one night overhearing our ridiculous conversations and he’ll be intrigued. I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. I know that for now I am tired and will allow myself to rest and in the future I will try again. And maybe one day I’ll tell this story at my wedding reception, or maybe one day we will be 60 years old and still meeting for Mexican and movie night and Tegan will say

“I told you so.”

Sometimes Answered Prayers Suck!

There’s this country song that says “sometimes God’s greatest gift is unanswered prayer.” It’s a kind of lovely notion. You pray for something, it doesn’t happen but in the end something better does.

But that’s not what this is about. Oh how I would be grateful for unanswered prayers after nights like last night.

Instead, last night was a friendly reminder that sometimes God’s most painful gift is a big fat “No.”

So here’s the thing. It may be hard to tell, and that’s probably a problem, but I do believe in God. I struggle with the God presented to me in church. Somehow a loving father figure who along the lines of history has conveniently hated and condemned large groups of people based on what the highly conservative Christian church has decided is unworthy (think black people, gay people, women and anyone else middle age white men have taken issue with). I believe in a God of love and compassion…for all. He’s working on me.


So, as a result of my beliefs I do pray. I pray for all sorts of things, help, strength, knowledge, discernment, a man. Y’all. God is probably so sick of me praying for a man that I’m pretty sure every time it happens he just looks like this 🤦🏽‍♂️. Like dear lord make it stop…oh wait…that’s me.

But here I am. 30 years old. Single and seriously beyond tired of attempting to mingle that I’m so ready to just wrap it up and give up for ever.

Because here’s what happens. Every time. Without fail.

I’m minding my own business. Trying to live my best life. I’ve got my amazing daughter, my beautiful and loving family, and the best friends a girl could ask for. I am not bothering anyone. I’m not looking. Being single is not the biggest concern of my life. But I get bored. I get the itch. “Man. It sure would be nice to have a relationship.” So, I throw it out there. People tell me all the time “you won’t meet anyone sitting in the House knitting Ashley.” So I go out. Or I get on Tinder. Usually Tinder because I don’t go out much. Sometimes I get on. Swipe for a few days. Get annoyed and get off. If I’m lucky this is what happens. Or I go out and don’t meet anyone and life goes back to normal. But sometimes, the stars align and I go out, and so does someone else, we meet, and seem to hit it off. Or I swipe right and they do too and conversation begins. Numbers are exchanged and things seem to go well.

Fun fact: I have a deep rooted fear of being wanted only for sex and also getting into “situationships.” You know, I like you, you like me, we do all the things couples do but never commit. Yea I have spent most of my adult life in situationships so I’m not trying to do that any longer.

Fun fact: I feel it in my soul that I am meant to be someone’s rib. Someone’s support. Someone’s calm and safe place at the end of a bad day. Someone’s cheerleader and support at the end of a good day. There is no way God put all this yearning for love inside of me for it to just sit there almost to the point of explosion.

So, long story short. Without fail here is what happens. My insecurities start to kick him. Probably triggered by some sort of yellow or red flag that I’m working on getting better at reading. Something isn’t sitting right with my soul.

I then pray, what I have come to realize, is the only prayer that without fail I get almost an immediate answer too. Like I pray for stuff and sometimes I wonder if it just gets lost in the clouds somewhere. But this prayer is my direct line to Jesus. It’s like before it leaves my lips I have sent it straight via email to his throne in heaven and it bypasses any other prayers he may be working on. What is it you may ask?

“Lord. If this man is not meant for me. Please let him slip through my fingers before I start to hold on too tight.”

That’s it. Short. Simple. To the point. And without fail. Within 24-48 hours. I receive confirmation that they are not meant for me. Usually just the conversation is had. A lot of times it’s not initiated by me. Or sometimes they do or say something that I have to acknowledge as a large red flag. But it happens. Every time.

Sometimes I fight it. I beg and plead with God to not let it be true. I cry. A lot. And sometimes I stick around only to be miserable and have to walk away later.

It always sucks. It always hurts. And like last night, if there really wasn’t anything wrong and it just really could have been the right person but not the right time, I can literally feel the piece of my heart break off as it chooses to kind of stick around with the other person as I have to walk away.

There’s probably way to many men walking around this world who don’t know they are carrying small pieces of my beautiful, loving, caring, supportive heart. While I sit back night after night fearful, and hurting, and struggling, and wondering “why me” “what’s wrong with me.” And praying I don’t give it all away and one day have nothing left.

So. I’ll end here. Part of me says, never pray that prayer again because the answer is too painful. But part of me knows, especially over the last year, each time it’s answered I learn something, and I grow. I think it’s coming. I hope it’ll happen for me. I doubt it. And sometimes like now I have restless nights where I cry and beg and plead and wonder if those prayers are just getting stuck in the land of lost prayers. I consider giving up. I do for a while. But then I’ll get the itch again and it’ll all start over.

But for now… sweet dreams.

The Tinder Experiment (final update)






Ok Ok, it wasn’t dumb BUT, to be honest, I’ve never really legitimately dated.  It’s always been this whole “hook-up” thing, and then I’m like “hey I like you” and then they are like “Hey, I like you too” and then down the road…say like 3 months I find out that this probably isn’t what I wanted to sign up for and then I’m back at square one.  So this has really been kind of hard for me.

It’s been about  a month since I started “The Tinder Experiement” and I think that this is a long enough time to report back on my initial findings.  Things during the experiment were both good and bad. Before starting this I would swipe like a mad-man waiting for a match to happen.  Over time, I no longer stressed out about matching with people, nor did I freak out when people didn’t really text back immediately. It gave me a reason to be patient.  I wasn’t feeding off that instant gratification of matching with a million people and always having someone to talk to or respond to.  I focused on talking to 3 people at a time and as time went along my urge to swipe significantly decreased and honestly, I just stopped caring about matching with other people since I was spending valuable time getting to know someone else.  Maybe this was just an overall good way to ween myself off of the dating app completely.

Well… I thought…

The best thing about this experiment was realizing that vetting these guys by actually reading through their “About Me” profiles and being a little more critical about who I swiped right on due to the “only matching with three people at a time” rule has proven to be a tad effective. I’ve not matched with any fuckbois at all, and I’m able to have genuine conversation with people who want to learn more about me.  I just don’t feel like I’m wasting my time when logging onto the application.  It’s a great feeling.

With the Pros though, there are Cons.  Those mostly being that you get a lot of boring guys, and you can’t really avoid that.  Also, people may be busy, or just don’t use the app as much and that’s understandable, but you would think that if someone wanted to talk to you and found you interesting they’d talk to you more often.  With this said though, having the boring guys around has made it easier for me to not be addicted to Tinder and keep in mind you can always unmatch and keep it moving.

There’s no real say on if this is a bust or not, but if I compare it to how I used to treat Tinder, there would probably be a lot of wasted time and conversations in my message queue.  I’ve realized that I don’t have time for that so right now, I would say a slight success.  I’ve met a few genuine guys who just didn’t work out due to personality mismatches, mostly. I’m kind of particular.

So as of right now I think I’m hanging up the online app dating hat.  Even after going through hundreds of profiles and matching with about 20 guys, I’ve still not found that one that’s for me.  I can admit though, that this experience overall, has been the best experience I’ve had on Tinder for sure.  Just takes time.  What’s next?  I’m not sure.  Maybe I’ll just be content “loving me” and “getting to know myself” as the married and boo’d up people say. *Rolls Eyes*.



You Should Be Pressed

Every once in a while, well actually quite often, a phrase comes a long that gives me such a visceral reaction of disgust that I struggle to contain myself when I hear it. Phrases such as swag, bae and on fleek are on the list. The current culprit is:

“Im not pressed”

The context in which I have heard this phrase has always been in reference to relationships. I assume that what the person means is “I’m not in a rush to get in a relationship or have any form of intimate, genuine, authentic connection with people. I have options. You are one of many.” So forgive me if you utter these words and I adjust my interaction with you accordingly. We are clearly not looking for the same things.

I get it. Relationships are tough. Sometimes they suck. I almost daily contemplate becoming a nun, or just giving up on the human population period and wholly embracing my singleness forever and always, amen.

But call me crazy, for some reason I still have a little hope. Just the slightest bit of hope that someone will see me and say “damn, I need to get to know her.” And then they will get to know me and say “damn, I need her in my life on a consistent basis.” And then we will be consistent for a while and they will say “damn, I need to make sure that no one else gets the chance to experience this amazing creation of God that I have been blessed with.” Yep. Call me crazy but it would be kind of nice to find someone who is in fact “pressed.”

I do not like living, dating and trying to love, in a world where people are not pressed. Where no one feels a sense of urgency. Where no one sees the need to be with someone. Where no one sees the need for consistency, and respect, and the offering of time and intimacy because they aren’t pressed. Because everything and everyone is just another option and there may be someone better around the corner so I’m not going to be pressed about you or the next one or the next one. (I blame online dating)

I am well aware that I am not everyone’s cup of tea. Hell, I’m not most people’s cup of tea. Apparently I’m easy on the eyes but then slightly intolerable once you get to know me so there’s no need to be pressed. That’s okay. By all means take your unironed, unwrinkled, fluffy tail somewhere else. (Yes I did google antonyms for pressed) Find someone else who is also “not pressed” and y’all can engage in vague, undefined, inconsistent, random conversation for the rest of your unpressed lives.

Who knows, maybe I am the crazy one. Maybe somewhere along the line I developed a unrealistic definition of love and unhealthy expectations for what my love life would be like. Maybe my pressedness is what’s causing my singleness to thrive. Maybe I need to start practicing the art of the unpressed.

To end this rant, here is a unfinished list of all the things I am pressed about:



Finding a forever partner in crime

Turning 30 in 6 Days


Buying Christmas presents that people will like

Whether or not my current job is the right fit

Why I’ve given up on weight loss and become content with that 20 lbs

What to wear for my last weekend in my 20’s celebration

Why I can’t figure out how to move out of my parents house

Whether or not I’m a good mother

Whether or not I’m just a terrible person who is incapable of healthy intimate relationships

Why I haven’t been able to find time to repurpose that dresser

If it snows this winter will I make it to work or will I get in another accident.

Love, I am pressed about love, giving it, finding it, wanting it, needing it, deserving it, fearing it, yearning for it, love. I am pressed about love and that’s ok.

(From the princess saves herself in this one by Amanda Lovelace)

What are you pressed about?

10 surefire ways to ensure I “Swipe Left” on your Tinder profile

I’ve spent a lot of time on Tinder these days and I find myself just being annoyed at things I probably shouldn’t be annoyed at. I mean, I kind of hate people in general,but that’s mostly the general population.  People who I love know I love them.

Don’t get me wrong…

I know I’m not the perfect catch, and I don’t want to be.  I don’t like people having high expectations of me (lol). But there’s this population of people on Tinder that genuinely irks my nerve not because of their face, but what’s in their “about me”.  I kind of feel bad though because half of the people I would swipe right on, fall into this realm because in the past I would just swipe without reading the profile.  Shame on myself!

Anywho, these people are the worst kind of people on Tinder…

1. “All Lives Matter”


Just…….just don’t. If you don’t understand the meaning behind Black Lives Matter and you’re just saying “All Lives Matter” because you think BLM only means ONLY black lives matter, you are totally missing the point and you are working to invalidate the fact that people of color are being mistreated at the hand of the police and judicial system in general.

Also,  if all lives mattered why the hell does it seem like you don’t care about black lives?

ALSO Also, this kind of sets off my racist radar.

2. “Trump Supporter”


HOW?!?!? No…seriously, how? How does this even make sense?  Not only is he a dumb, misogynistic asshole of a person, Donald Trump represents a party that definitely has issue with the LGBTQ community. Even if he doesn’t have a problem with LGBTQ people, the fact that both, you and he supports a party that shows constant hate against our community makes me sad.  You’re LGBTQ…come on…

3. “Young Professional”


You’re damn near 35. Drop the “young”. Half of your colleague workforce is probably younger than yourself.  Also, there are more ways to be vague about what you do on a day to day basis.  I’m starting to have more respect for the “Self-employed” crowd. (That’s a whole other rant there) Actually…

4. People who put “Self-employed” on their profile but don’t explain what that really means.


For all I know, you’re a drug dealer and I don’t have time for this.  Or you’re unemployed and just don’t want to seem like a failure.  Or you’re just now on a new venture and quit your job of 20 years because you got tired of it, but don’t really have a business plan of where you’re going.  How hard is it to say “Owner of _______”.  That will get a Right Swipe in a heartbeat if it sounds reasonable.

5. Any phrase describing how “masc” you are and how you only like “masc” guys.

Nobody needs your self-hating, divisive attitude around here.  We all have preferences, but don’t be out here judging a book by it’s cover.

6. Pictures of everything but your face.

I mean…obviously

7. Any hint at the fact that you THOROUGHLY enjoy the gym more than eating (Loving them equally is OK though).


I know gym heads like to eat, but for the type that likes to eat chicken. Bland chicken. For every meal. The same way. Every day. For ever and ever. AMEN. Gots ta go.

I have nothing against the gym-heads though.  I used to be addicted to the gym, but I just have a problem when people start to judge me for not going.  Yes, I know I could probably use it, but let me “live my best life” ok?.

8. “I don’t like filling these out” or “I never know what to say here”

AKA, I’m boring.

Honestly, this wasn’t a problem before I started “The Tinder Experiment” but adding this to my rules actually helped me avoid a bunch of fuckboys. ESPECIALLY if you have 5 photos and your Instagram linked and all of your Spotify songs selected. Just saying.  No “About Me” basically means that you don’t know what you’re looking for or you’re just too lazy to fill it out. Which again, confuses me if you fall into the category of having EVERYTHING linked to your profile.  It’s just bad.

If you’re just trying to hook up, say it.  If you’re bored, say it. If you don’t know what you’re doing here, say it.  A blank profile means nothing and as a result, will get nothing in return.  There’s plenty of pretty faces out there on Tinder that would love to share a bit about themselves.

9. Having an obviously fake name, or some ridiculous nickname on your profile


If I can’t at least find you on Facebook with your “name”, it’s going to be a no from me.


10. All of your profile pics are group pics of you and your friends and family

I’m just going to think you’re the ugliest one in the pic. Plain and simple. And then you have the nerve to link your instagram, and your IG profile pic is some nature scene, and all of your pics are group pics in there as well.  Obviously I could go through the process of elimination and eventually narrow you down, but who wants to do all that work.

If you’re ugly, work that shit. Be ugly confident!


What are some things that will certainly earn a “Left Swipe” for you?

The Tinder Experiment (update)

It’s been about 4 days since the start of this experiment and I will be totally honest;


The original rules were too restricting and just made me want to swipe more, unmatch unnecessarily, and just freak out in general when I wouldn’t get a response when I felt like I should have.  So, there have been some changes made to the rules.

For those who can’t remember or just don’t know, here are the rules (updated rules in bold):

  1. Only have a conversation with 3 people at a time. 
    • If I am having genuine conversation with all 3, I can not swipe any more to attempt to match with additional people. 
  2. Being that people don’t always auto-match with whomever you swipe right on, I’m giving myself up to 5 right swipes in a 24 hour period. (I will be working on the Honor System lol).
    • The 5 right swipe rule may cause some problems being that if I swipe right 5 times and they all end up coming back as matches.  If this ever happens, at that time I must make a decision on who I want to focus on and unmatch the other people.
    • However, if one of the 5 matches messages me first, I must respond to them.  I can still keep the other matches in my queue at that point, but I must make a decision on if I will pursue further within a day.
  3. I cannot swipe right on someone with no details in their “About Me”.
  4. I’m able to swipe right on individuals who have just one sentence in their “About Me”, but it has to catch my eye and not be some boring ass shit.
  5. If there’s any doubt on the person I’m looking at, I HAVE TO Swipe Left on them.  It could be the sexiest person in the world; If there’s doubt, swipe left. (Reason being is because that doubt will cause me to continue swiping, sequentially breaking my first rule. Especially if I run out of right swipes for the day).
  6. If I match with someone, send a message, and no communication is made within 24 hours, I am free to unmatch, and continue to swipe right and start another conversation.
  7. Once there has been three consecutive days of no contact even after having genuine conversation, I MUST unmatch to keep things tidy and avoid conversing with multiple people at the same time.
  8. I can unmatch at any time.
  9. Messaging someone multiple times to get their attention is not allowed. If you have responded already, you have to wait. They must respond on their own free will.

Current issues I’ve run into

Anxiety from waiting to see if the person responds. Especially if they take a super long time. This is why the change was made to rule 1.

People who are clearly just “looking for friends” (normal or fwb). Am I auto left swiping these guys or nah? (I still haven’t made a decision on this. I may swipe right now since I’m giving myself 3 conversations now)

Accidental right swipes. (Do they count?)

Unmatching just for the sake of moving on so you can get to other matches quicker; Which sort of circumvents the process here, but also allows you to talk to someone that genuinely wants to talk to you rather than people who use Tinder as a time passer.

Unmatching seems like you’re doing a bad deed. Its very hard, especially if the person seems nice.

Pet peeves

(you know, since I’m actually paying attention to profiles now)

EVERYONE’S a young professional. 🙄 Jesus, use a better phrase to describe yourself.
(Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with being a young professional, but at this point just tell me what you do if you want people to know you have a decent job) 

A lot of people love to hike or work out.
(This is no longer an indicator of if I’m attracted to you or not)

Nobody really knows what they want
(Even myself)

A lot of people seem to thing that filling out the “About Me” is trivial…

I think I’m expecting too much. Lol


All in all…

I think I’ve matched with about 6 people since starting this. 1 unmatched me (probably an accidental swipe right, lol). I unmatched 1 (due to the 24 hour no response rule), and another 1 I unmatched even after having ok conversation with, but I felt like he was just bored (maybe that one was a mistake).

The other three, well, I’m talking to them.  Nothing exciting to report though.  I’m working on weaning myself off of the application due to the fact that I don’t want it to start controlling my life.  I have a lot of free time so it’s easy to get consumed into it.

Be sure to follow the craziness or lack of…who knows. All of my posts will be categorized under The Tinder Experiment so you should be able to follow each post there and keep up with if this is a major success or a total failure.

The Tinder Experiment

There are a TON of “hook-up” and “dating” apps out there right now and it’s almost overwhelming.  I’ve been on many of them for the past 1, 2, 3…5 years, and it’s pretty much been the same thing over and over. You “match”, hang out, maybe even date for a little bit and then it never really becomes anything. Obviously, that’s not the case for everyone.  There are a few people out there who’ve been lucky enough to find their love using these apps, but see…

I’m different…or just like everybody else, depending on whoever you ask, I guess…

We see a smorgasbord of opportunity and the FOMO gets real.  The ease of swiping right has presented this conundrum of being able to meet the one you really click with, but then, you just don’t stop there. You keep going and keep matching and honestly just get the pleasure of matching with people you think that are attractive.  What’s the Pringle’s slogan? “Once you pop, you can’t stop”?  Yeah, that’s pretty much Tinder; For me, anyway.


So, the experiment…

Match with one person at a time…

Yes…It’s just that simple!. Swipe until I swipe right and match with one person, and then genuinely have a conversation until I determine if they are right or wrong for me.  Easy enough right? OH! and I’m not allowed to swipe right on anyone who doesn’t have anything in their “About Me”.

Sounds like a piece of cake right?  Well….there are rules and the Official Rules are as follows:

  1. Only have a conversation with one person at a time!
  2. Being that people don’t always auto-match with whomever you swipe right on, I’m giving myself up to 3 right swipes in a 24 hour period. (I will be working on the Honor System lol).
    • The 3 right swipe rule may cause some problems being that if I swipe right three times and they all end up coming back as matches.  If this ever happens, at that time I must make a decision on who I want to focus on and unmatch the other people.
    • However, if one of the 3 matches messages me first, I must respond to them.  I can still keep the other matches in my queue at that point, but I must make a decision on if I will pursue further within a day.
  3. I cannot swipe right on someone with no details in their “About Me”.
  4. I’m able to swipe right on individuals who have just one sentence in their “About Me”, but it has to catch my eye and not be some boring ass shit.
  5. If there’s any doubt on the person I’m looking at, I HAVE TO Swipe Left on them.  It could be the sexiest person in the world; If there’s doubt, swipe left. (Reason being is because that doubt will cause me to continue swiping, sequentially breaking my first rule. Especially if I run out of right swipes for the day).
  6. If I match with someone, send a message, and no communication is made within 24 hours, I am free to unmatch, and continue to swipe right and start another conversation.
  7. Once there has been three consecutive days of no contact, even after having genuine conversation, I MUST unmatch to keep things tidy and avoid conversing with multiple people at the same time.
(Note: I know these rules aren’t fool proof, and there are some inconsistencies/contradictions, but I’m working on it!)

Most people, myself included, would continue to swipe right until the end of time and end up matching with endless amounts of people.  Then, in most cases, people will let them sit there and  just wait for their matches to fight for our attention until we find a worthy person to meet.  But that brings up another concern though.  There are SO MANY people on Tinder that nobody gives genuine attention because you have Jimmy, Timmy and Bob over there in your DMs thirsty as hell and ready to go.

This is a terrible approach if you want to genuinely and seriously date. So this is why I’ve come up with this experiment…and it’s more so a test for myself, really.

And yes, I know that the other party I match with will probably not be doing the same thing but hopefully I’m interesting enough to gain their attention, keep it and hopefully they’ll keep mine as well.  I don’t want to be 39 still swiping on these dumb applications because I’m worried about the next one.  I refuse!

But there are some possible/realistic setbacks…

  • I am at peak swipe mode while drinking and for you all that know me, know I love my beer.
  • I get bored SUPER easily, which is one reason why I continue to swipe even after matching.
  • I’m super picky. This could be a good thing, but also could be a bad thing.  Like, I feel like I’d stop talking to someone because I still have that FOMO looming. Almost as if I’d just make an excuse to unmatch and swipe on to the next one.

Sure, I already hear “Your first problem is trying to find love on an app! Go out to a club or bar or something”.  First of all, I am not asking for your opinion on this in the first place. I’ve met plenty of people out in public and it’s hard given the fact that people only want to go home with you at the end of the night instead of genuinely getting to know you.

So here it is…resetting my Tinder for the fifty-leventh time! Let’s see how this goes. Be sure to check for updates!