30 Reasons Why I’m Probably Still Single.

I will be 30 in two weeks. Minus a recent blip on the radar, I have spent the majority of my adult life single.

As 30 quickly approaches, and I enter another year of attempting to embrace my singleness, I have been trying to think of some logical reasons as to why I’m still single.

Here’s what I’ve got so far:

1. I didn’t forward quite a few of those chain letters in middle school that said do this or you will never find love.

2. I’m not a huge sports fan.

3. I’m too tall

4. I’m not an amazing dancer which makes me not appealing at clubs

5. Resting bitch face

6. My love of Harry Potter (this one I don’t understand)

7. Social awkwardness

8. I have been cursed

9. People get explosive diarrhea when they think about talking to me and therefore run to the bathroom. When they come out I’ve disappeared.

10. I am too good of a wing woman

11. I’m a super hero. My super power is scaring people away.

12. I blink really hard sometimes. It makes people think I’m crazy.

13. I’m a therapist. This scares people.

14. People realize how awesome I am. Realize they don’t deserve me. So they go find someone less awesome to love instead.

15. My cooking/baking is so amazing it causes them to fear that they will gain a bunch of weight being with me so they run (figuratively that is).

16. Mama ain’t raise no fool.

17. Neither did my dad.

18. The older I get, the lower my tolerance for bullshit becomes.

19. My hip to waist ratio is not correct.

20. I look bougie

21. I was meant to be a military wife. My entire childhood prepared me for it. I do not live near a military base.

22. I’m intimidating

23. The idea of meeting people scares me.

24. I have briefly met, fallen in loved, and planned weddings with so many people that God is just like “look here. You need to stop.”

25. I’m convinced most people are serial killers.

26. I am not ordering pizza at the right time, therefore the really hot pizza delivery man has not shown up at my house yet.

27. Luke Kuechly is just really nervous.

28. This is some sort of test. I am failing miserably.

29. My introverted nature makes me hate chit chat and small talk. These things appear to me integral parts of meeting people and getting to know them and making them fall in love.

30. Pretty sure it’s those stupid chain letters.

So…if you to are approaching an age where you never imagined you would still be single but alas here you are…what are the logical explanations you have come up with for this phenomenon?!?!

“Hey, Stranger” Season

As the weather tries to get cooler (we are struggling here in NC for some reason), as the colors on the leaves change to their beautiful oranges and golds, and as Christmas music and decorations seem to have exploded onto the shelves and radio stations, I have been quickly reminded that “hey, stranger” season has arrived as well. 

Like ghosts of semi relationships past, i have received four “hey, stranger” text or direct messages this week. Actually five but one was from an actual friend just checking in so I don’t hold it against him. 


So what is a “hey, stranger” text you ask? Well first off, if you have to ask, consider yourself blessed since you’ve never received one! Side note before we get started, if Ruby Rose ever sent me a “hey, stranger” text any advice or thoughts that follow this sentence go out the window! So back to the matter at hand. A “hey, stranger” text is any message you get randomly  from any person you may have once been even the slightest bit interested in whether romantically or otherwise but for what ever reason it didn’t work out. Maybe they ran off and found someone else and got married. Maybe they ghosted you only to pop up now because they realize you’re amazing. Maybe they are currently married and failed to mention that before flirting with you. Maybe they snored so bad you slept in your car the last time you saw them and for that and several other reasons it would never work but now that they are getting old they realize they were an idiot and want to try again. Maybe these are true stories, maybe they aren’t. Either way, these relationships, or semi-relationships, did not work out for one reason or another but for some reason as the whether changes so do peoples feelings and memories so they think it’s a good idea to contact you out of the blue. 


And that’s the issue. It’s totally random and out of the blue. You’ve been minding your business for weeks, months, years and they’ve decided that’s a good indicator that you want to hear from them. 


If you’re anything like me a few things happen when the text appears or  the DM comes through. 1. You are slightly confused as to who the person is because you have either deleted their number or erased them from your memory. 2. An epic battle takes place between being a bitch or politely telling them to go back from whence they came. 


If you’re also like me you usually try to politely tell them to go away which always ends badly. They don’t understand politeness. They see it as weakness and they still try to sneak in. So then you ultimately have to be a bitch anyways to get them to go away. 


So I’ve written this as a warning. To my kindred spirits who find that each year as cuffin’ season approaches you receive an onslaught of unwanted “hey, stranger” text, I say to you: stay strong! It’s not worth it! They will disappear as quickly as they came once it starts to warm up again. You deserve better. You are better. Say it like a mantra every morning in the mirror until you believe it if you don’t. 


And for those of you who are considering sending a “hey, stranger” text. 


You had your chance. You blew it. It’s okay. We most likely aren’t mad (or maybe we are so consider that before texting) but we don’t want to hear from you. Go find someone new and live your best life, just leave us out of it!!!! 



I don’t know how else to say it. People who send any version of the “hey, stranger” text are some of the worst kind of people. 

Thank Me Later: Things NOT To Do On and/or After A First Date

I would call myself a pretty well-seasoned first dater. I have been on a lot of first dates. Which may say something about myself or the people I’ve gone on dates with, but nevertheless, I think I am an amateur expert on them. And I’ve gathered a lot of stories about what not to do, and the ain’t shitness of people on first dates. And thus, I’ve compiled this list for you to help you be a better first dater and ultimately, a better human being. Because these are things you should not do in order to just not be a complete asshole. Ok, let’s begin.

Please DO NOT…

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1) Show up late without letting the other person know, and anything over 15-20 minutes unless it is an extreme emergency, like your family is dying or something (in case of extreme emergency, please just cancel) is charting into rude territory. Especially if you picked the time. I once had a guy show up 1.5 hours late (I am way too kind, my ass should have left after 30) and looking like last night. Which brings me to point number 2…

2) Put a little effort into how you look for the date. Like, you don’t need to be movie star-ish, but you shouldn’t look like you just rolled out of bed and that you just dgaf about life. Like this is someone’s time! It’s respect to look decent. Again, I’m not saying anything about brand names, make up, dresses, slacks, etc… but looking like you took time to shower and dress (unless you agreed on meeting after the gym or at the gym or at a mud race), is kinda important.

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3) Order for the other person. Just don’t do it. Just don’t. It was sweet maybe 60 years ago when women had no rights and we had to eat what you wanted us to eat. Now if either person does it for the other person, it just seems you are insulting their ability to read a menu or know what they want. If they ask for a suggestion or for you to order them something, that’s different. But if they don’t. Just don’t. Like never. Like do I seriously have to tell you this? Apparently, cause it has happened to me.

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4) Not talk at all or very minimally. There is no rule saying you have to like the person you are with. But if they are a decent human and you decide to finish the date, be nice and polite. If you can’t stand the thought of spending another moment with the idiot across from the table, excuse yourself from the date politely.

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5) And if someone excuses themselves because it isn’t working for them, accept that. Let them go. Either they are delusional and completely wrong, and why would you want to date them? Or you’re an asshole. In which case, why would they want to date you? Get over it. We are adults.

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6) Mention your money hardships on the date that you invited the person to and you picked the place. It’s uncomfortable for everyone. If you’d like to go dutch, mention it before the date, in a nice and polite way. Or suggest a free date, like a walk, a movie in the park, or a local festival. Research fun, inexpensive or free things to do in your town. It’s a Google search. You use it for cat videos and memes, use it for this. Put some effort into it.

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7) Make any comments about a person’s appearance that is not positive. You do not have to be attracted to a person. And in the world of online dating, it `happens – people don’t look like their pictures sometimes. If it’s a true catfish – use your back up plan (a friend who knows where you are, your exit strategy) to get out immediately. But if it is the more common, you kinda look like your pictures, but you took them in shadows, and I was drunk swiping anyway, or my friend does not understand my taste in people and this blind date sucks big time, don’t tell the person they are fatter, uglier, thinner, *insert any physical adjective* than what you thought. You are a completely awful human being. We all are humans. We have insecurities. You are not expected or required to find this other person attractive and date them. You are expected to be a decent human. Finish the date. Make it short. But be fucking kind please. Dates are nerve wrecking for most of us, especially those aren’t super models like obviously those who are throwing stones.

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8) Pretend like you’ve been dating the person forever and claim they are yours. This is weird. You also don’t know if they like you. Also, don’t tell bartenders wait staff, other people around that we have been dating forever. This is annoying on a first date and not cute. Why are you embarrassed to be on a first date? Also, I will call you out.

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9) Feel obligated to take this date anywhere beyond where it is at the date. You are not obligated to sleep with this person (but you can if you want to, forget what society says), have another date, talk to them after the date, kiss them, like them, or anything else. It’s totally ok and quite normal to feel absolutely nothing, even if they are generally nice and you had a nice time.

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10)Pressure someone else to take the date anywhere beyond where it is. If you think they are feeling you and you want to know if they would like to go for a slice of pizza, coffee, drink, cuddles, or sex. Ask how they feel about it in a non threatening way that allows the other person to say no. If they say no, don’t blow up or get sad. Communicate you understand. Also, read #8, they may not be feeling you. It’s ok. Your ego will be hurt. That’s ok. You will be ok. I promise. Go eat ice cream, drink wine, or be those weird people and work out to deal with it. And then go swiping again. Or go meet people however other people meet people, but I don’t know how to do that, so just do you.

11) This is related to #9. After the date, the person may not like you like that. They may think, well, he/she/they would be a great friend or not like you at all or want to marry you. It’s ok to attempt to gain clarity around that. RESPECT their decision. Again, get ice cream/wine/exercise/vent to a friend if you need to. But don’t lash out against them, especially if they were kind enough to let you know. If they avoid you, you can try one more time maybe, but then move on. It becomes stalking. Some people don’t want to tell you in person. And I used to feel strongly that they should. But now I don’t anymore, and I’ll tell you why. After attempting to be a mature, kind human, and tell people how I feel, I have gotten a lot of aggressive responses when I say no. It’s scary and a headache and you feel like shit for just being human and not being attracted to them. I still try to practice this, but I get how that can be really damaging for folks and even, scary. Hence why I say, respect what folks say or do. Similarly, if they are ignoring you or giving you short answers, boo boo, they just ain’t that into you.

These are some of the top offenders from my and other people I know experiences. Bottom line: be a good human please. Are there any I’ve missed? Drop them below in the comments.