30 and wandering…

“I do not have it all together, and that’s perfectly fine.”

These are words I say a lot and pretty much live by. But I don’t always feel so confident about it. As much as I like to put a front out on how “OK” I am about where I am in life, I tend to freak out about it A LOT behind closed doors.  Even to the point of tears, because you know…Men do cry. (Call me a bitch if you want to and I’ll show you bitch)

I’m usually not one for goals. When I make big decisions or big “moves”, it’s usually on a whim. Luckily for me, this has actually worked out for me most of the time as making decisions without a proper plan could blow up in your face and leave you in a worse off environment.  And even when this ideology doesn’t work, I gracefully stumble around until I get to a point where I’m walking confidently upright again.

Clues that point out that I don’t have it all together.
1. I didn’t own a pair of boots until January of this year
2. I go grocery shopping to save money and eat better, but still end up getting fast food because most days I’m too tired to cook. Then my food ends up going bad.
3. I choose what wine I want to drink according to the alcohol to price ratio.
4. Actually, that goes for any alcoholic drink
5. My car has been overheating while idling for months now and I still haven’t gotten it fixed.
6.  I owe State taxes for both SC and NC and even though I have a big refund that will cover them both, I’ll probably spend my refund on something silly then freak out when April 17th comes around and I have to scrounge up money to pay the IRS
7. I tend to not have complete thoughts, about a lot of things…This post is probably one of those things…

I could keep going but we’d be here all day…

At 30, I thought that I would know exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I thought I would ultimately be satisfied with my career. Be married. Have a family. A kid or two. Nice House. Nice Car. But, out of all of those things, I’ve only actually accomplished two or three of those “goals”. When we were younger, we have these ideas of what a “happy” life is.  Usually depicted by social media, and TV, and whatever else we let influence our lives.  And obviously everyone’s timeline is different, but life kind of just flies by without you noticing if you don’t stop to smell the roses.  Don’t get me wrong, my life is wonderful and I would not trade it for anything.  I have a loving family, a loving fur-child, a home to live in and a great job just to name a few things.  The issue here is just that life gets a little cray cray at times, and you think about why are you still dealing with certain things you thought wouldn’t be an issue at this age.

This journey we call life is tough.  I don’t have it all together, and I don’t think many people at 30 do.  I’d hope that at 40 that maybe I’ll have it all together, and if I don’t, I’m sure that there will be people at that age that still won’t have it together either.  I mean, what’s “having it all together” really mean anyway?  And if you do,  please give me your tips and tricks and let me know because I need all the help I can get.

 

153 Reasons Why I Am Probably Undateable

First of all, please be very clear, this is not 153 reasons why I hate myself, or even 153 reasons why I 100% with a shadow of a doubt believe I am undateable. These are 153 reasons why, because of something someone else has said and done, I have been informed that I am undateable. Well maybe a few of them are things I think have kept me from convincing someone else of how awesome I am to the point that they want to spend a significant amount of their time with me. But who knows. I’ve actually quite enjoyed making this list over the last few days because it’s given me a chance to reflect on different aspects of myself and decide 1. Is it honestly something that would keep me from dating someone else and 2. If it something I want to change. And honestly. The answer to both of those questions is almost always no.

So, in no particular order, for your reading pleasure, 153 reasons why no one has wifed this, put a ring on it or chosen to shoot their shot and stick around for the championship game!

1. I’m not perfect. You will ask me to stop doing something. I will try my hardest and it will still happen. Not because I forgot it, wasn’t listening or didn’t care. I’m just not perfect and change takes time.

2. If we argue, I will cry. Especially if I’m mad, sad or hurt. You may not be able to tell the difference.

3. I have to wear my hair in three braids under a cap a night if I want it to look right in the morning.

4. I have this thing on my left big toe. Don’t know what it is. It’s been there my whole life. Sometimes I cut it with a fingernail clipper but it just grows back. It’s kind of like a wart but it’s not a wart.

5. Speaking of feet. I hate them. I won’t touch yours.

6. Still feet related. Mine aren’t perfect. There’s dry skin and sometimes rough heels. But I’ve been told they are pretty.

7. My nail polish is chipped 95% if the time

8. I smell like coconut. Only an issue if you don’t like the smell of coconuts

9. If we argue, I will talk to my friends, my mom, and my sister about the argument.

10. If we do something cute or fun I will talk to them too. They will know about you and us.

11. I still live with my parents.

12. I’m kind of bad with money. Terrible at saving it. Have never had to pay rent. Have worked since I was 17. Do not have a large savings.

13. I have a daughter. She’s awesome but probably won’t be easy for you to win over. When I talk about her I often refer to her as “my child.” Kind of self explanatory but may be a problem.

14. I’m not a Virgin.

15. I have been with 10 men. Accurate count at the time of this being posted. Can’t say if that’s true based on when you read this.

16. Sometimes when I sleep I do this weird hum thing.

17. Sometimes I snore.

18. Sometimes when I sleep I breathe heavy

19. My thighs are pretty much fused together. A thigh gap is non existent. I’m like a mermaid

20. I hate the gym

21. I’m not a neat freak. I don’t think I’m a slob but my mom would probably argue that (she is a neat freak)

22. I will plan our wedding within a few days of meeting you if I find you remotely interesting.

23. My already planned wedding has hints of Harry Potter in it.

24. I have a fairly intense fascination with Harry Potter. I have a tattoo. Several jewelry items, multiple shirts, wands, underwear, tights, a blanket, the books, some of the movies, purses, wallets and other stuff I’m probably forgetting

25. I’m not a big sports fan. I’m not even a little sports fan

26. I may be able to cook and grill better than you

27. I may be smarter than you

28. I may have more degrees then you

29. I have a tendency to remember random seemingly pointless bits of information and conversations and bring them up later. This is only an issue in arguments and typically then only when I’ve forgotten something important and you’ll use it to make your point about me being terrible.

30. I like the idea of Valentine’s Day

31. My birthday is close to Christmas.

32. I enjoy reading for pleasure. And reading nonsense that won’t teach me anything

33. I blog

34. I will write about you in my blog. Especially if it doesn’t work out or you make me really mad

35. I won’t send you nudes

36. My body is not perfect. My arms jiggle. My stomach is not flat. It’s the opposite. And it’s wrinkly. And hangs over if not constrained by some spanx like apparatus.

(I wish it looked that flawless!)

37. If I don’t wear some sort of spanx type apparatus when in dresses or skirts, my thighs chafe to the point of bruising

38. I bathe ALMOST every day. Sometimes I skip a Saturday.

39. My job can be stressful

40. I will listen intently and respond and you will think I’m counseling you

41. If I offer advice you will think I’m counseling you

42. If I stay silent you will think I’m counseling you

43. I’m bad at grammar

44. I don’t know when to use commas appropriately

45. I’m terrible at math

46. I don’t make my bed

47. I want more children. 4 total is the number that comes to mind when I consider it.

48. When I wash my hair, the amount of hair the comes off my head could provide coats for a large family of naked mole rats.

49. I’m a terrible dancer if not slightly intoxicated.

50. I will not randomly burst out in song and/or dance in public. I will appear uncomfortable in you do. I’ll probably start walking away just because it’s awkward to stand there while someone is dancing. But I couldn’t care less if you do it.

51. It will take me a while to feel comfortable enough to sing or dance around you

52. It will take me a while to feel fully safe and comfortable around you. Any amount of judgement on your part will seriously prolong the process.

53. I enjoy a good margarita, tequila shot, or glass of champagne.

54. My friends and I get together for margaritas and a movie on a semi regular basis.

55. My best friend and I plan to travel internationally once a year for the rest of our lives.

56. I pick my nose

57. Sometimes I get sick and would like to be taken care of

58. I like a good amount of cuddling but can’t sleep up under anyone.

59. If you snore I will contemplate all the ways I could kill you in your sleep sleep.

60. If I don’t already know you I will assume you are a serial killer or just trying to sleep with me until you prove otherwise.

61. I’m not the best driver

62. Sometimes I find myself seriously attracted to women

(I would seriously consider leaving you for Ruby Rose)

63. I am a LGBTQ Ali for sure

64. I’m pretty feminist

65. I’m learning more and more that I can be pro-Black and mixed

66. I still Love most white people

67. I cuss

68. I pray

69. I believe in Jesus

70. I don’t know if I fully believe in the Jesus that religion has presented to me

71. I question things, including people

72. Submission is in my vocabulary but not a easy word to follow

73. I will try really hard to fix things that you point out as being wrong with me to the point of becoming miserable with myself and you will be able to tell and get mad at me therefor perpetuating the cycle

74. I do a lot of introspection and sometimes that can be unhealthy

75. I don’t really know if I believe in karma

76. I eat pork and beef

77. Carbs are life

78. I can’t run

79. I don’t breathe when I talk so it always seems like I’m out of breath

80. I blink really hard to the point that people ask if I have turrets and I sometimes wonder if I do

81. I can’t answer the question “where are you from” with an actual place

82. If we do have kids I will have a difficult time adjusting to coparenting as I have not had to do that thus far

83. I can be petty. Feel free to ask what my most petty moment in life has been. It’s pretty intense.

84. I’ve had some pretty painful past relationships. Those experiences do influence the way I approach the dating world now. As do my good experiences with people. If you think that it is possible to approach dating with a clean slate each time, I would really appreciate if you taught me how to perform that magic trick. As this is not just a fact for dating but life in general.

85. I plan to start confronting people on their bullshit more. You may be the first.

86. Sometimes I like to be alone but I like to still be checked on.

87. I have what I think are pretty reasonable standards but have been informed might be in actuality way too high.

88. I expect you to respect me

89. I expect you to be faithful

90. I expect you to be considerate

91. I expect you to be kind

92. I expect you not to be a hoe

93. I expect you not to have me out here looking stupid

94. I expect you to keep your word

95. I expect you to take me out

96. I expect you to tell the truth

97. I expect you to be mindful of my feelings

98. I expect you to treat me like a woman

99. I expect you not to hit me

100. I expect you to be able to hold an adult conversation in person that does not include yelling or cussing at me

101. I expect you to obey the law

102. I expect you to drink responsible if you choose to do so

103. I expect you to try to understand me and not assume you know me

104. I expect you to mess up

105. I expect you to say sorry

106. I have never been in a fight and don’t plant to start now

107. I really like Cardi B. I tried to deny it but I can’t.

108. I have a love of really bad rap music

109. I don’t follow or understand most pop culture related things

110. I don’t get most black 90’s culture related things

111. I hate coffee

112. I hate hey stranger texts

113. I have tattoos. Some of them reference past relationships

114. I have a tattoo of a maple leaf that matches my sister’s tattoo. I got it on my first date with my ex

115. Sometimes I obsess over things

116. I enjoy trying new things but have serious anxiety surrounding being embarrassed and failing.

117. I struggle with change

118. I need pretty consistent attention

119. If Obama could eat dinner with his family most nights of the week when he was president. I expect that you can send a text message consistently and set aside some time weekly.

120. I’m fairly easily pleased

121. I like creativity

122. I like simple things

123. I’m an introvert

124. You have an idea in your head if who I am. I promise you that’s not me.

125. I won’t fight for you. Literally. I will not fight another person for you. And figuratively. If you choose to walk away I will not chase after you. I will fight like hell while you are here. But the second you choose to leave I will willingly and quietly let you go.

126. I’ve decided to stop begging people to want to spend time with me or be with me.

127. I have a couple really great male friends who aren’t going anywhere.

128. I will be suspicious of your female friends if they are single and you spend more time with them than me.

129. I have some trust issues.

130. I’m not aware of all of my issues and flaws.

131. I enjoy country music

132. I’m hairy. I have an ex who would jokingly make the Chewbacca sound to discuss how hairy I am. I’m not that bad. But a few years back I participated in no shave November and it changed my life. I shave my armpits if I’m going to have a tank top on and be raising my arms. I shave my legs for special occasions. And if your expecting a pre-pubescent vaginal area…well I will question your life choices.

133. I’m tall

134. I like to take hot baths and read. No you can’t join. First of all, if we both can fit in a standard size tub you are probably like 4ft even and 95 lbs.

135. I appreciate tall men. This is my one super vain hope in a partner. But even it is negotiable.

136. I’ve been told I am intimidating

137. I suffer from resting bitch face

138. I can have some pretty impressive PMS moments

139. Sometimes I engage in tit for tat

140. My sense of humor takes some adjusting to.

141. I can joke with a straight face.

142. Sometimes I feel like I’m laughing and obviously joking but apparently I’m not because people still think I’m serious or mad

143. I don’t like to argue

144. Sometimes I overshare on social media

145. My mind does not think in terms of song lyrics. I will never respond with drop top if you say raindrop.

146. I ask for too much

147. I don’t ask enough questions

148. I can’t sleep with the tv on

149. You will have a very small window of opportunity to convince me to come back after an argument or you walking away (see #125). If you choose not to use it because you want to teach me a lesson and then pop up several days later, then I have already been given several empowering pep talks by my friends, coworkers and mother. You will not get the response you want. You will probably be confused. I will probably only feel bad for a few moments. But I will remember that I am the shit and you shouldn’t have had to lose me to figure that out. The length of the window of opportunity is directly proportional to the number of fuckboys, narcissist or failed attempts at relationships I have encountered before you. The more of those you’re fighting against, the less time you have.

150. Sometimes my eyebrows are not on fleek. See # 132

151. I have a past. A life before you. It’s not perfect. It’s not the worst. But it’s mine and I won’t be made to feel bad about it.

152. I really enjoy going to the movies. It’s my happy place.

153. I have this thing where I like to walk with people on my right side if no one is on both sides of me. I will move to make this possible if need be. You will notice. It’s a balance thing and slightly related to my hatred of odd numbers.

If you made it this far…THANK YOU…you are my favorite type of person.

I think my plan is to just share the link to this post with anyone who shows interest in me and be like “here. Read this. Then let me know if you still want these problems.”

If you’re going to shoot your shot…please actually shoot it!

Maybe I’m getting way too old for this shit.

Maybe my tolerance for bullshit has reached an all time low.

Maybe I hit 30 and just decided that life is too damn short to sit around waiting on some other person to decide I’m good enough.

I don’t know

What I do know is my attitude when it comes to potential relationships and someone not wanting me has gone from this

To this

(There was a Facebook video that had these two together but I couldn’t figure out how to get it here.)

There are two major reasons that this has taken place

First.

I have spent entirely too much time in my life upset that someone did not want me. Let’s say I’ve been interested in dating and relationships since I was about 12. That means I have spent 18 years…over half of my life…trying to figure out why “no one wants me.” This has legit been the dialogue I have been having in my head on a daily basis. Why does no one want me? Why am I so undateable? Why have I never been asked to a dance (I realized this one today as I took my daughter to buy an outfit for the dance and she talked about her and her friend going together. Shout out to best friends who go to dances with you when no one asks you to go with them!)? Why have I been asked on very few actual dates? Why do guys get mad when they ask for nudes and you say no and then they try to make you seem crazy? Why am I single? Why did I not forward that chain letter in 5th grade that clearly stated I would be single forever if I didn’t forward it? Why? Why? Why?

What’s wrong with me?

The truth is, this train wreck of a thought process had me in the shower looking just like this the other day:

But, even with this recent moment of frustration, I have realized something since then.

My bounce back ability has grown exponentially over the years. Back in the day I would spend days, if not weeks, miserable and sad because someone decided they didn’t want anything to do with me. Or I wasn’t worth it. Over these last 18 years that has changed.

That ugly shower sob lasted maybe 10 minutes. After a good night’s sleep, I’ve been pretty solid ever since. Do I still think about the situation? Yep. Have I wanted to blog about it and cuss all of the male population out? Yep. Have I considered just finding a girlfriend and telling men they lost their chance? Daily. But the miserable, constant dwelling on it, and blaming my self for it all has definitely not been as intense as it normally is. I’ve been proud of myself.

Y’all. Loving yourself is hard. Anyone who tells you different is a bold face liar.

Anywho. So yea. That’s reason number one why my attitude has changed. Growth, progress and channeling my inner Cardi B

Second, and the reason for the title of this random post.

I have zero time for people shooting half as shots then being salty later on when their shot didn’t make it in!!

So I know that’s kind of the exact opposite of my earlier negative self talk trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Do guys attempt to talk to me? Occasionally. Do they try very hard? No. Do I usually respond when a guy does put in a moderate amount of effort? Yes. Do those guys usually end up being narcissistic ass holes ? Hell yes. Then do those other guys show up salty a few weeks later trying to tell me it’s my fault I keep getting hurt because I never gave them a chance but then again they don’t actually step up and shoot the damn shot?

I can’t count the number of times this happens. And by the same people over and over. Or by random people. Always me. And they tell me I’m still single because I’m too picky, or my standards are too high, or they hint and say “you never know. Maybe he’s right under your nose and you just keep over looking him.”

Anyways. Here’s my suggestion. If you are going to shoot your shot. SHOOT YOUR DAMN SHOT. I really wish I could make some really cool basketball references here but I can’t. But basically actually step up to the damn line, position your self accordingly and shoot the shot. Make it the best shot you have ever taken in your entire life.

And you know what. If you don’t make it, at least you know you gave it an actual try. And then you can tellme that I’m a terrible person, with standards that are too high, and a terribly misconstrued fairy tale idea of what love and life should be like. Then you can sit back and laugh the next time I’m heart broken and posting cryptic Facebook statuses about hating all people. But until then. Keep sitting on the bench and pouting. And leave me alone.

I don’t know how long this mindset will last. Next week I may be sad again. Or next month I may get swept away by another charming narcissist. Or this could very well be my new way of thinking for the next decade. We will all have to wait and see. But what I do know is I will continue to be way to old for this shit. And my tolerance for the bull shit will continue to be very very low.

And you will never have a chance if you don’t shoot your shot!

The problem with being overweight in an environment that doesn’t think you are…

When I say I’m fat, I’m not saying it just for kicks. I’m not saying it to hear someone reply back to me “no you’re not”, just so I can feel better about myself . I’m not saying it because it makes me feel better in certain situations.

I’m saying it because it’s true!

Sure, “fat” is a harsh word, but it’s the truth. Overweight, of course, is the better choice of word here, but in any case, it’s a problem that I need to deal with. I just love the fact that when I say I shouldn’t be eating something because I need to lose weight, I get so many interesting, perplexed even, looks. Looks from people who may be bigger than me that says “You are not fat, I’M fat”. Looks from people who are smaller than me saying “I wish I was your size, I can’t gain any weight”. Looks from people that literally say “You’ll be fine”. Looks from people who’ve said “Well, it’s because you’re tall!”.

And yes, while some of these things are true, this still doesn’t negate the fact that I am overweight; Height considered and all. But, of course, I give into the idea of being perfectly fine because I have no willpower. Invite me to go fast food, I’ll go along with all the dinner plans. Mostly because 1, it’s convenient and 2, I can’t eat healthier foods when I see friends are going out and ordering terrible foods. All in all, I’m glad that my weight isn’t a problem for you, but my weight IS a problem for me, and I intend to address it.

I had a enlightening moment the other morning, attempting to put on a pair of pants that I probably have worn no more than a year prior with ease, and I could no longer button them. All of my favorite shirts are starting to “shrink” and I have to buy things in 2XL out of necessity, and not choice (like we used to do back in the college, over-sized shirt, days). It was an eye opener.

The problem with being overweight in an environment that doesn’t think you are, is that you’re surrounded by well-intentioned enablers. Even if it’s on purpose or by accident. This is my reality, plain and simple. No I may not be your definition of overweight, and that’s part of the problem. People around me don’t truly understand that I need to do something about my health before it gets too late. And the “you’re fine the way you are” comments make it seem like people are disregarding my feelings about my self, my health or my general happiness. Being close to being pre-diabetic will have you thinking about these things.

But you know, I can’t blame my environment. I can only blame myself. I should have the willpower and wherewithal to be a healthier person, but in certain situations, that’s easier said than done.

Temptation is a bitch…

I should definitely have more self control…

My appetite laughs hysterically at both of those statements. I can’t control it (how many people are rolling their eyes at this); And I feel that it’s getting worse as time goes along. So when I make these statements, it’s because I’m trying to train my brain into wanting to be better. Trying to tell myself that hey, you might want to catch this before you get too crazy. Before it’s too late. So yeah, I might not be your definition of fat, but my physical from the doctor is saying I’m headed on the wrong path.

And yeah, for the people who knew me when I was in the gym 5 times a week, working out regularly and keeping up with it pretty consistently. I enjoyed that I was getting stronger, but still not dropping most of my fatty weight. It was kind of the trade off muscle for fat thing going on, but the reason for this happening was because I was still eating like a pig. So then i got to a point where I stopped working out, and lost track of my progress, never to find it again. I stopped working out, but kept eating like I was still working out. A recipe for disaster.

This started due to the fact of going through a mild case of depression during the end and after my last serious relationship, which kind of led me to just not really being into ANYTHING other than food. Eating was a comfort zone for me, instead of hitting the gym harder. It’s known to be a common coping method for many people, and I ended up gaining about 20 or some odd pounds (after already being like 30 pounds overweight). I wouldn’t say that I am addicted to food, but more so addicted to unhealthy food. And even though I’d like to think that I’m technically out of that depression phase, the eating continued and I just started not caring. Then when I got back to the point where I wasn’t happy with my weight and vocalized it, the majority of people I’ve hung out with or around has always asked me why I was so worried about it. Well, because I am, in a word, fat. I’m owning it and will continue to until I do something about it. Hopefully the path I’m taking now will lead me back to the track that I once wandered off of, but I can’t say for sure at this point.

It will be a process.

Life is tough. No sugarcoating it. You will be beat up by it time after time. I don’t think I was ever taught that officially until college. I had to learn on my own, and this is just another battle I’m trying to take head on. And if I’m being honest to myself, I haven’t been trying hard enough, I know that. So if I say I’m fat around you, it’s because I am; And I need to do something about it. I might be annoying…sure. Just ignore me. I know that just saying it does nothing about it, but just know that I’m working on it. This is just me trying to get my mind back to the point where I NEED to force myself to be better. Hopefully this is the beginning of another era of working towards health.

Dating is the worst…Confirmed

I’ve been pondering on if I should post this.  I wrote it about a month ago.  I just felt like if I stopped talking about Dating, then I’d get over it. HA! This is a follow up to the blog post Dating is the worst….Kind of…  (No this isn’t a solicitation to be hooked up with anyone. You know who you are! LOL) This will most likely be my last post like this about dating. Mostly because it’s a new year, and I’m trying to be a better me.

At the time that I wrote “Dating is the worst…Kind of…” I was just kind of in the middle of this in-and-out thing with someone and wasn’t really sure what things were between me and that person.  It was a great time, and I had fun, but after a while I starting thinking “hey, this is a good thing!” (You already know where this is going).  At the time I was “going with the flow”, like everyone always suggests. “If something is there then let it happen naturally” they say.  Sure, but how long do you have to wait before something starts to “happen naturally”?  At what certain point do you get tired of “going with the flow” after flowing for months and for some people, years?  It should go without saying that when feelings start to be involved, then that’s where things need to be looked at closer. And someone is always going to catch feelings…

I guess that’s where I fucked up.

As a pretty emotional person, I tend to let my feels get the best of me at times (a lot of times). And that’s not necessarily a bad thing but I do end up in bad situations a lot due to it.  In most cases, it’s when I feel like I need to throw caution to the wind due to being an over-thinker (Which is a terrible method and I’m trying to get back to my “fuck it all” ways; Even though I’ve officially embraced my “I got time” nature…I’m a little confused on things currently in this department).

*Sigh*

I probably should have posted this sooner…

But I didn’t.  I thought I was over it.  And at the time I wrote this, I was still holding on for some dumb reason. We all know that not letting go only turns you into a angry, bitter, stalker.  And for some time, I was that person.  Angry at the fact that I let myself get into this position again.  Bitter at the fact that they continued to live life as if I barely even existed, and stalker because social media just makes it so easy; So I’m hoping for this to be my ultimate “let go” moment of this situation.

Dating is such a difficult process.  Without even realizing it, it’s something that can determine the trajectory of the rest of your life.  Just think, all it takes is one day to meet your future spouse. One person, a stranger even, could be the one you end up spending the rest of your life with.  Just one day.  I recently started thinking this way, and it let me to date a little more critically.  I used to date carelessly; Ok, lets be honest.  I used to hook up and then decide if they were viable candidates to spend the rest of my life with (a terrible business model).  It’s a trap I’ve been setting myself up for for YEARS and now I’m finally realizing it.  In my aforementioned post, this was literally my example of how I dated, and why I thought it was the worst.  But dating that way is cake compared to actually DATING someone.  It was easy back then but now, you get too involved and your emotions are all fucked afterwards.

Ever since starting “The Tinder Experiment”,  I’ve worked on changing my whole philosophy on dating because, to be frank; Just because the sex is good doesn’t mean that’s who I should be laying beside for the rest of my life.

So back then, dating was only the worst… “Kind of…” because I would feel like crap, but then pick myself back up by the bootstraps, download a hookup app and start searching for the next adventure and I would be fine.  But in my current situation, where I’ve actually started investing time in getting to know people on a more intimate level, dating actually gets difficult.  Yeah, sometimes things don’t work out, and that’s normal, but I’m talking about the times where you’re genuinely getting to know someone. You start getting to know them and enjoying time with that person and then it ends abruptly. And it just hurts like hell.  Because instead of just looking for your next fuck, you feel drained, hopeless at times because you’ve showed so much of yourself to this person for nothing.  It’s disheartening, and really damaging, honestly.

I blame the hook up apps…

But, actually, I blame myself.  I blame myself for a lot of different reasons that are too lengthy to list here, but I do.

I haven’t seriously talked to many people since. Well, I did, but things fell off.  I guess at this point it’s obvious that things fell off because of my previous experience.  I’m slightly scared, sure.  And it might sound like I’m complaining or whining, and maybe I am.  It’s just a part of the process.

So again, no, I’m not looking for encouraging words, or for you to hook me up with anyone (Tina! lol).  Reason being is because after going through so many dating situations, you start the think that you are the problem, and then you feel a little hopeless for a while, and then you don’t want to let anyone in, and you always think in your head that Karma is a bitch, and ultimately, you’re just tired.  Because who’s ready to exert that much time and energy into someone again already?   So to the guys I’ve talked to recently; I’m working on it, but…now you know.

So yeah, Dating is the worst…for now…

Regret (a story/poem thing)

*Before the poem: it would be really awesome if this blog became a huge sensation and Ellen had us on her show and Oprah came to cohost just so she could interview my friends and I and we traveled the world doing interviews and speaking to crowds and offering inspiration, encouragement and laughter. But until that happens, I am supper thankful for a place to go when at 2:30 am when I can’t sleep, either from excitement about a mini vacation, or from the words you are about to read, and put my thoughts in writing. I’ve never been one for journaling as I didn’t understand the point of writing something no one would read. And while maybe only my fellow bloggers, two friends I’ve guilt tripped into reading, my family, and a handful of people who stumble across the page read it, it’s still helpful. I hope you enjoy my early morning/late night ramblings and those of my friends. And now a story/poem of my current thoughts. Not sure what it’ll end up being so we will find out together.*

I regret few things in life

Because every decision good or bad, right or wrong has played some role in who I am today.

A short list of things I regret:

1. Any time I have made a boy more important than spending time with family and friends.

And not in the like hey I’m getting to know you so I’ll be hanging out with you instead of sitting at home.

But more in the way of, I’m going to wait upstairs by the phone as my Nan lays dying downstairs. Because I’m too afraid to miss a call but I’m also afraid of death.

Other people’s and my own.

As in, spending every weekend not on call out of town for fear of argument to the point where my mother felt like I was divorcing her, I turned away from God and I’m too fearful to know how my daughter felt as words like neglected and forgotten come to mind.

As in best friends, who for a brief moment in time became infrequent acquaintances whom I feared I lost and the relationship that took its place was no where near as beautiful and amazing and important as the one being ignored.

2. Mentioned above. As my precious Nan (my maternal grandmother) lay dying down stairs, I stayed upstairs.

Watching Orange is the New Black on the worlds slowest WiFi

Pretending to work

Waiting for phone calls.

Wanting to spend the moments that I knew would be the last time I saw her, with her, but not knowing how.

People often ask where I’m from and I don’t have an answer.

But if anyone ever asked where I called Home I would quickly respond. Nan’s house.

A constant in an early childhood full of adventure and travel.

“We’re going home this summer” always meant Nan’s house.

Always felt like Home

Always felt safe

Always felt like love

Always had her

Until it didn’t anymore

I regret saying bye, having never fully said hello.

I once did a project on her in grad school but asked my mom all of the questions.

3. My father once encouraged me to spend some time at Grannie’s house and learn to cook like her.

I regret saying no

Fearful of a woman I barely knew

Memories of switches torn from branches meant for my cousins for crimes we both committed.

She was a strong, beautiful, black woman.

As a child, this scared me.

I regret not having any long, deep, intimate conversations with her.

I regret not knowing her story.

I regret, as a child, not wanting the black American girl doll that shared her.

I know I will never enjoy corn bread again.

I fear this recipe is now lost on earth but am certain it is enjoyed daily in heaven by all who are there.

I am not certain of much in life. But if this one thing I know.

God has gone to prepare a place for me. If it were not true he would not have said it.

Whether it be a mansion on streets of gold.

Or a wooden shack in a quiet wood.

In it is a table.

And at that table, maybe once or twice a week,

Nan and Granny meet.

Over a plate of corn bread and scalled buns.

And they look down.

And check in on their not so little mixed granddaughter

Who tonight, sits crying in bed for reasons she doesn’t quite understand

Over regrets, that have too, shaped who she is as a woman.

And they laugh, and they cry, and they facepalm themselves, and they high five, and talk to each other.

And occasional they whisper

“It’ll be okay.”

Y’all…

Let it be known that as of RIGHT NOW, the first week in January of 2018 will be forever know as “Malc got his music life” week!

First Justin Timberlake…

Now Bruno and Cardi B?!?!?!?

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Now, I already LOVED Bruno Mars’ Album 24K Magic. AND “Finesse” was like my freaking JAM just because it had 90s flare dripping ALL throughowt that joint! When I first heard it I was legit mad I didn’t have anybody to do the “Kid N Play” dance with.  I started Bell Biv DeVoe’n by my damn self at work!  I was hype AF when I heard that joint.

So to my wonderful surprise, I open up Spotify this morning and see that one of my ALL. TIME. FAVORITE. artist had a new song out.  A remix.  With Cardi B? On one of my beloved songs off of 24k? (And yes I’m a Cardi fan, even though I don’t know her mixtape shit, I recognized her talent with “Bodak” don’t try it. I’ve been looking out for her ever since. Yes I’m late to the party, whatever.)

I played the track and to make a long story short, I LOVED IT.  Cardi kept true to the feel of the song, and did pretty great on her verse.  Even though the flow was 90s, her lyrics were 2010, and you know what. I’m down with it.

BUT

Somebody informed me there was a Video…

Say wha nah? (Pulls up YouTube)

Y’all…

IF THIS WASN’T THE MOST 90S SHIT I’VE SEEN IN MY DAMN LIFE.  Nostalgia isn’t something I dwell into much, but 90s music nostalgia, I AM ALL ABOUT.  From the opening cut,  they literally were dripping of Fresh Price of Bel-Air swag.  Fucking awesome! The colors! The Clothes! The…Vibe was just right!

Then Cardi’s verse finishes and you see Bruno “dancing”. (Like, I know he has SOME moves, but Bruno’s dancing needs a little work, just saying). And I’m like “OK, what’s this”. Because all you see is Bruno, and two other dancers and just some colors in the back during the first verse.

Then they show the wide shot…

IS THIS…IS THIS THE MOTHER FUCKING “IN LIVING COLOR” SET?!??!?!

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Then I thought back to the beginning of the video and was like, “Wait, THAT WAS THE IN LIVING COLOR INTRO!”

(My mind gets away from me sometimes)

I was done at that moment…I don’t even need JT’s new single tomorrow. I could die today and feel the love.

This video was so simple, that it was brilliant.  Showing a few flashes of Black Greatness through entertainment in the 90s and just showing how we just liked to dance and have fun and just let loose back then.  I do hate that they didn’t portray some other great images of the 90s in the video, but I’ll take this for what it is.

Music was fun in the 90s…This video helped me live that again for 3 minutes out of my day…