The Bisexual Dilemma

So it has come to my attention that when I write about sexuality and relationships, I tend to get a lot of hits on this here blog. So, here’s another one for the masses that I hope will shed some light into my view of the world.

There’s this thing about bisexuality…

And when I say bisexuality. I mean, sexually attracted to both men and women. Specifically, in a sexual sense. Because that’s what bisexuality is. Being sexually attracted to both men and women. Emotions are not at play here.

I identify as bisexual (despite popular belief, and it’s mostly my own fault). Reason being is because I have no issue being sexual with a woman, but I could never be in a romantic relationship with a woman. Emotionally, I have no attachment to them. This doesn’t mean I’m strictly Gay (I hear the “Yes, it does” in people’s heads already). Being intimate with someone is more than just being sexually attracted to them. I don’t have that connection with women like that, but I do with men. So if I had to put a label on it, I’m romantically Gay, but sexually Bi. The point I’m getting to is that, when I tell people I identify as Bi, most people would automatically think in their heads “Oh, you’re just gay”. People tend to just have that initial assumption. People have also shared this sentiment with me about other men who have identified as Bi. If a woman identifies as Bi though, there’s not really any opinion or second thought on it. Maybe there is, but I haven’t really experienced or heard it.

Being Bi isn’t this cover up about a person’s true sexuality in most cases. It’s just a label that identifies what a person is attracted to sexually. As we all know, sexuality is a spectrum. We’ve heard it a million times before. There’s this line, where Straight is on one end, Gay is on the other end, and Bi is essentially all the space in the middle. Now don’t get me wrong, Bi, by definition would be smack dab in the middle, but it’s all about perception. For most people looking in from the outside though, being Bi doesn’t seem to be a reality. It’s either you’re gay or you’re not, but sexuality isn’t just black and white though, you know? There are multiple pieces to the puzzle when being WITH someone. Sexuality, Romance, Emotions. These things are all independent of each other, but tend to be tied together when viewing someones sexuality.

And this is where the dilemma with bisexuality comes it…especially for men…

Even after explaining what I’m attracted to sexually, I’m sure there are still people out there that either don’t believe me, or just don’t understand it. This is part of the reason that when people ask me about my sexuality, I just say I’m Gay, even though I’m sexually attracted to both Men and Women. No I’m not back tracking, and honestly, since I am romantically and emotionally attracted to men only, this is another reason I just tell people I’m Gay. But the frustrating part is that it’s easy for women to ride this line of bisexuality, but for men it’s almost not a thing. I’ve been with men who were Bisexual. Being with another man doesn’t make them strictly Gay, and being with a woman doesn’t make them strictly Straight, it just makes them Bi. Plain and simple.

I was watching an episode of Grown-ish a few weeks back. There’s this girl character who identifies as bisexual that becomes interested in a guy who also identifies as bisexual. At first she didn’t know this, but found out at a later time, and since that moment she started having these thoughts of him being intimate with men, and it really bothered her. It bothered her to the point where she decided to break up with him because he’s had sex with men. It came down to the point where she just couldn’t be with a man who’s been with other men, even if she was attracted to him and he to her.

Why is this such a problem? If you’re both attracted to each other, shouldn’t that be all that matters? Most women will say that it’s the fact that their man is gay, or more correctly, has had sex with men before. There’s this fear that their man might leave them for another man. Are you really that insecure? There are straight men out here cheating on women with other women. Is that any better? Would you be less hurt if that happened? And lets not get into the fact that a Bi man may “bottom” (be on the receiving end) from time to time and also be sexually attracted to women. All hell breaks loose.

But when a woman is thought of as Bi, none of this is really talked about. Bisexuality within women is generally much more accepted in society. I really want to know why this double-standard exists, but I’ve not found a good enough answer to even post here in this blog.

And it’s not only straight or bi women have these misconceptions about Bi men; It’s also a big issue in the gay community as well. Bi men specifically, are looked at as “still in the closet” or “he’s just saying that so he won’t have to use the word gay”. It invalidates everything that the person feels about themselves and essentially places them in a category that they don’t want to be in. And yes, there are a lot of people who may use the “Bi” term to make it a little easier for their family and friends, but who re we to judge them on that. What about the ones who are actually Bi? It should be as simple as 123 to understand but it seems to not be.

I think it all goes back to confusing sexual with emotional and relationship connections. It’s like the end all, be all of being gay is once you’re a man dating another man, you’re automatically Gay, and that’s so far from the truth. Someone who is sexually Gay, does not have the slightest sexual attraction to a Woman. They may compliment their beauty, they may even make “sexual” references to them, but they would never entertain the idea of being with a woman in a sexual sense. It’s that simple. Just as a Straight male has no interest in any other man sexually, at all.

So why is it so hard to believe that a man can be sexually attracted to both sexes?

Homophobia…A Story/Rant

I recently read a post about Frank Ocean’s father suing him for defamation about a derogatory slur used back when Ocean was younger.  It was about Homophobia in the black community; and it got me to thinking. Thinking about my own life and growing up dealing with my own homophobia up until I “came out”.

In my experience, there’s always been this issue with black people, specifically black men, standing up for their LGBTQ brothers and sisters. Sure, they don’t mind that you’re LGBTQ, and they even hang out with you and meet your significant others, but in the back of their mind, they still have a problem with it. They might not admit it, because they might not even know they have a problem with it. But if you ask any of your friends that claim to be LGBTQ supporters how they view sex between two people of the same sex, what would their reaction be? (This can also be another topic because being Lesbian compared to being Gay is a crazy double-standard, but we’ll visit this next week, maybe).

I’ve seen where people who say they “don’t care” that people are LGBTQ, tend to have a problem with supporting the overall LGBTQ community. You know, going to PRIDE, hitting up a gay club, watching RuPaul’s Drag Race…you know, those types of things. I don’t know the ultimate reason why this is the case, but I’ve been personally told that there is this stigma that if you associate with a person who is LGBTQ, other people will automatically assume that they, themselves are LGBTQ as well. So I guess it’s just people trying to avoid being identified as gay or something because of their own insecurities.

And we don’t want that now, do we? Especially in the black community.

I’ve read plenty of articles about being gay in the black community. I experienced it first hand, it was the main reason why I didn’t really start to live my life truly until about 25, MAYBE 26. It was an issue…being black, growing up in a black church. Seeing some of the other boys being teased when I was younger and being made fun of because they “acted gay”. I didn’t want that to be me. I didn’t want it to be me because to be gay was to not be masculine. To not be cool.  To like girly things. To basically lose your “man card”. To be thought of lesser than.  I knew how parents reacted when they found out their child was gay. They were ashamed and I didn’t want to shame my family.

(And to the beautiful people who grew up going through this, I can’t imagine your struggle, but I know that you are one of the strongest groups of people I will ever know.)

This is what’s “taught” in the black community. No, not literally, but it IS learned. Be it through the media, through family, friends or whatever, it is learned. And sure, some people will say “well now things are different and we’ve come a long way”, and that may be true, but there’s still a problem with homophobia, especially around the straight, black community.  And the first thing I think about when my mind is directed to this is that there’s this “issue” about the demasculinization of the (black) male. And I truly don’t even understand this train of thought (maybe I’ll pick up a book one of these days). This homophobia found in the black community fueled my own homophobia throughout my childhood even through most of my college years.

I went through college as a straight male. Had girlfriends, had sex with them, it was fun, sure. But when it came down to it, even during one of those relationships I was fighting something that was always there. And I knew it was always there. Juggling between both sides of the spectrum.  But the little black boy from the small town where everyone knew him as a good christian boy couldn’t let that be seen. I’ve said some hateful things in the past about the LGBTQ community, knowing I was a part of it myself, only so that I could save my face and not be accused of being gay, when in actuality I was the whole time. I’ve hated myself to the point where I tried to “pray the gay away” multiple times. I went to church, listening to sermon after sermon thinking that something was wrong with me. I listened to family members, talk so much shit about LGBTQ people that it fueled this self hate.

I’ve suppressed it so much that I became somewhat of a “Pro” at being straight to the general audience. People I knew or hung around on a normal basis always knew or had somewhat of an idea, but generally speaking nobody really caught on. Again, because of the black community, I didn’t want to be ridiculed or shamed or whatever. And to this day, there is this “thing” within the gay community about being gay but not “looking” gay (another post for another time).

Even after coming out, I’ve had straight people tell me that they like hanging out with “gays like me”, because I’m “different”. Which translates to, “I don’t mind hanging out with you because you don’t look gay, therefore nobody will think I’m gay”. And I’m so tired of hearing this. Just because you’re “OK” with it isn’t enough.

Again…

I want you to show it. Truly, show it and be ok, out in public, loud and proud that we’re cool people. I want you to support me by going to events like PRIDE and to Drag Shows. I want to talk about my life with you in detail just like you talk about yours. I want you to go to a gay club and party it up! And no you don’t HAVE to go, but at least entertain the possibility. THAT’s when I know you’re actually OK with it. To tell someone you don’t mind that they are Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans, or Queer, and then not support them afterwards is an empty statement. It means nothing and I will always assume that you will always have a problem with our community; And until you get your insecurities straightened out, I don’t want your half assed support.

This whole shit has built up so much resentment and regret in me. I resent the fact that the black culture had made me feel broken. I regret calling whomever I called a faggot that word growing up. I resent that the church made me feel dirty and unloved. I regret not standing up for what was right when I saw an LGBTQ person be ridiculed and judged for who they are. I resent the fact that I waited so long to be a part of a community who tries to do nothing but live life as they are.

And you can blame it on your beliefs, blame it on your personal preferences, blame it on whatever, who cares. We’re fighting right now for our spot in the the world and we’ll keep on fighting long after you’re forgotten about.

An incomplete list of my life at 30 and proof that I definitely don’t have it all together

While writing my other blog “30 and wandering…“, I came across this idea to list out pretty much every little detail about how imperfect my life is, and after going through the list, I can truly say that for the amount of things on this list, I’m doing pretty well for myself, I think. Enjoy!

I didn’t own a pair of boots as an adult until January of 2018. MAYBE a pair of Timbs during high school.

No…Lugz…they were definitely Lugz

I go grocery shopping to save money and eat better, but still end up getting fast food because most times I’m too tired to cook.

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I choose what wine I want to drink according to the alcohol to price ratio.

Actually, that goes for any alcoholic drink.

Speaking of alcohol, I buy the cheapest because it’s just going to get mixed with something else anyway. Don’t let these brand whores steer you wrong.

My car has been overheating while idling for months now and I still haven’t gotten it fixed.

I’m still paying for my old car I had before my current one. Negative equity is a bitch yall.

I owe State taxes for both SC and NC and even though I have a big refund that will cover them both, I’ll probably spend my refund on something silly then freak out when April 17th comes around and I’ll have to scrounge up money to pay the IRS.

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I buy things that I don’t use, but will refuse to get rid of them.

My home that I’ve lived in for three years still hasn’t necessarily been decorated in any form or fashion.

I’d rather fall asleep hungry than spend money on fast food because I’m too lazy to cook.

I tell myself I’m going to work out, but I don’t. Week after week.

I tend to not have complete thoughts a lot…if ever…

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I have clothes in my closet I know that I will never wear again, but will complain about not having space in my dresser.

I think those light up shoes are terrible, but I secretly want a pair

I’m in so much debt…

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I don’t know how to date

I don’t know if I want to date

I don’t know if I’m date-able

I go on hookup apps looking for love.

I go on dates with people who clearly don’t want anything from me other than sex even though that’s not what I’m looking for.

A healthy meal to me is something not fried.

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My tub probably has like 5 layers of dirt in it.

I like naps

Like seriously, LOVE naps.

Sometimes, I have clean clothes and dirty clothes strewn all over the floor and don’t know the difference between the two until I smell test them.

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If I had to choose between Reese’s or having gas for my car to go places. I’d probably choose the Reese’s every time, no question.

Instead of planning out my day and taking advantage of the time I have, I procrastinate and then rush through everything when time starts getting slim.

I pay to have my groceries delivered because I’m terrible at grocery shopping.


These are only a few things that make me terrible. Hopefully some of you out there deal with the same terribleness I do, and if not then maybe there isn’t any hope for me.

Happy National Coming Out Day

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To the people who can’t be themselves…

To the people who are judged by who they love…

To the people who are looked down on as a lesser person…

To the ones who are scared…

To the ones who are depressed…

To the people who feel like they can’t smile…

To the people who feel like they don’t belong…

To the ones who cry every night…

The ones who feel like they aren’t enough…

The people who feel out of place…

The people who have suicidal thoughts…

To the people without a support system…

Just know…

We Are Here For You!

I don’t have a coming out story. I never thought I needed to officially announce it, and I kind of still don’t, but I know how important this can be for our people. I mean, when you think about it, I guess I “come out” on a regular basis (Note the irony of this whole thing).  Life as an LGBTQ person can be hard as hell and as you’re reading this, I hope your mind is actually understanding the words, rather than making judgments and assumptions about what I’m currently typing.

LGBTQ people face the challenges listed above on a daily basis just because of who we are and who we love.  Unfortunately, this personal aspect of life gets the negative attention of so many people in the world.  But living life should be all about showing and spreading love to others, not hate. Coming out is an important step in that, where we are finally open to loving ourselves as we are; and even if we don’t make a big announcement, it’s just as important for those times where we share it privately with family and friends.  Some of these challenges listed above can be caused by not loving who we are and this is why Coming Out is such an important moment. It’s a heart wrenching moment though, no matter how old we are because we never really know how people are going to react.

Yes, in 2017, we’re still worried about how people react, even if everyone seems to be “progressive”.  There are still evil people in this world that will wish the worst on us just because of this.  It’s still a real thing.

And as we get older and as we tell more people, that worry goes away, and we tend to not care as much for what people think of us, but that comes with time.  But even though that initial struggle is over, we still face challenges. Discriminatory, hateful, and judgmental behaviors are still no stranger to our community, as well as a slew of other BS that we have to fight through. And even though we feel like giving up, we keep fighting. We fight and fight until we win.  It’s worth it because WE’RE worth it.

It took me too long to realize that.

Coming out is only the beginning, and from there things may get harder, but they will definitely get better. I know that’s contradictory, but you’ll understand. When you can live life with no regard of what others think about you, and you finally feel that weight being lifted off of your shoulders.  It’s magical. I felt as if I have finally gained control of my own life.

It’s a beautiful moment.

So I’m standing here (or sitting, because I’m typing), as a member of this wonderful community. The one with happy smiling faces, that also tends to frown sometimes because of idiots who comment on news articles, to say that you are not alone and we are here for you!

Happy Coming Out Day!

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