Connection (a poem)

You are the universe reminding me that everything I want does exist

But I don’t get to have it.

In another life, I have loved you with every part of my being

And the atoms of my soul remember that when you are near.

In this life,

I will appreciate this time for what it is

And not make it anything it isn’t.

We have known each other long before now

And I look forward to meeting you again.

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Happy New Year!

Like last year, I have gone back and forth about writing this but this year it’s for different reasons.

I actually feel kind of bad writing this years recap and it’s mainly because 2018 wasn’t all that awful for me. I keep seeing a bunch of post about how terrible 2018 was and how 2019 will be better and I wonder if I missed something. I also know that due to moments I had in 2018, I have been hyper aware of the fact that, while my life may be difficult in some ways, there will always be someone somewhere who looks at my life and wishes they had it or something similar. So I’ve spent 2018 trying my best to be positive and grateful for what I have. It’s been an interesting ride for sure.

Did I do everything I wanted? Nope. Did I accomplish all the things I set out to? Of course not. Do I still have time? Sure.

An incomplete list of things I did not do in 2018:

Save money

Move out of my parents house

Eliminate debt (the exact opposite actually)

Avoid my two year car accident curse

Lose weight

Exercise more

Do those last two for a prolonged period of time

Meet Luke Kuechly, have him instantly fall in love and become Mrs. Luke Kuechly, after a whirlwind romance.

The reality is, these are things that have been on my yearly to do list for many many years (including the last one). But overall, despite not achieving them, I had a good year. I would just really like to be able to say that without feeling bad about it.

So, in looking forward, a few areas I plan to focus on and improve in 2019

Financial: I am the first to admit that I am terrible with money. I have a decent job with good benefits. I make enough money to at the very least support myself outside of my parents home. I could probably manage to support myself and my daughter as well if I cut back drastically and we ate a lot of ramen. I don’t want to do that and I am blessed with parents who aren’t forcing me to do that either. I will not apologize for this and in 2019 I want to stop feeling bad about that. When I talk to people about moving out, and I start to feel bad about not having done it already, I realize it is typically people who do not have kids, who left home for college and never moved back. Our stories are different and that’s okay. Being a mother literally dictates every decision I make. And moving out would immediately cause me to be a single mother providing 100% of the financial and emotional support to my child. Until I feel like that is the absolute best thing for us to do…we will continue to stay put even if others don’t understand the decision (and even if my child doesn’t understand it either). Also in the financial realm, I have been working on decreasing credit card debt (Italy was not nice to my credit cards and I have since handed them over so I can’t use them). I even managed a credit free Christmas which I’m proud of. So, I will continue to make double payments to eliminate credit card debt which will all work together to increase my financial stability. Ta-da!

Relationships: I would like to be a better friend. I jokingly but seriously warn people who appear to be trying to create a new friendship with me, that I am a terrible friend. It’s true, but I would like to improve them. I want to stop being late to things I’ve planned with friends or just forgetting altogether. I want to check on people who I haven’t talked to in a while or who I can tell something might be up. I want to see people in person a little more often (if financially possible) and not just get updates on social media. I want to, however, do this in a way that is not emotionally and spiritually draining for me. Being a good friend is hard work. Being present for people and available and listening and offering advice or not offering advice depending on the moment and knowing the right things to say and trying to lighten the mood and just being here…it’s hard. I try really hard not to judge people when they aren’t able to do all of those things for me because I know it’s difficult when we all have our own stuff going on. I realize though, because I have this new found guilt of not having an extremely difficult life and things for the most part are going well, that I then feel like I should do better and be better at all of these things for all of these people. I want to do better but I also want to allow myself grace if I don’t. So, I want to be a better friend. I want to continue to grow other relationships including with family, friends and the boyfriend who I’m pretty sure I bullied into being my boyfriend but now he’s stuck. I don’t think he minds though!

Spirituality: I think this is one area that I have struggled with the most this year. A few years back I was in this great place spiritually and then allowed a relationship to derail that. I don’t have much to say about this one except some work here is definitely needed.

Health: Here’s the big one! I realized a month or two ago that I have never been physically healthy as an adult. That made me sad. What I mean by physically healthy is eating right, at a healthier weight, exercising regularly, not using food as a coping skill, able to walk up the stairs without dying, and overall just happy with myself and how I treat my body. I also realize I spend a lot of time wishing this would change but zero time actually doing anything to make things change. Prior to my birthday and the holidays I was getting things on track. A piece of chocolate cake and some snow basically derailed that. This year I want to obtain a healthy relationship with food and exercise that is not screwed up by a minor speed bump. I also want to look amazing in a bathing suit.

So I think that’s it. Pretty basic really. At the end of the day, I am not perfect, neither is my life, but I want to preserve and improve what I have created and I think the key to that for me is focusing on the positive and allowing grace for myself and others.

I hope whoever reads this is able to find and give happiness, grace and love in the new year!

I Love Myself…Now What?

“You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you.”

First of all…this is absolute bullshit. Let’s just put that out there.

Oh yea, I’m in that kind of mood. You might as well strap yourself in and enjoy the ride because I honestly have no idea where this is headed.

Anywho, as I scrolled through Pinterest looking for quotes to summarize how I feel right now, I repeatedly came across some variation of the bullshit mentioned above. As someone who has spent a lot of time repairing herself after others have come in like a bull in a china shop, as someone who has tried every time to put those pieces back together into something soft, and beautiful and not jaded by the selfishness of this world, as someone who does in fact love them-self including their flaws and quirks and oddities and imperfections, as someone who knows the world is out to make her hard when she is meant to remain soft…as that person I CALL BULLSHIT ON YOUR LOVE YOURSELF QUOTE!!

Why? Because it’s simply not true. Every day people choose to love others who are broken and do not love themselves. Every day people choose to be in relationships with people who do not have it all together and do not love themselves. Every day babies are born, and have no idea what it means to exist let alone love yourself, yet anyone within an earshot or their cries has the natural inclination to love and protect and nurture that tiny human…who does not love them self. Ok. I know that’s extreme but hopefully you get my point. People who do not love them self receive love, in all forms, all the time.

I have decided that this is another one of those things that people say to single people when that person is being extra vulnerable and the other person doesn’t know what to say. They mean well, but it’s actually quite harmful. What you are saying is…you aren’t there yet, you aren’t ready, you don’t deserve it yet, you aren’t perfect. As someone who has been told they are perfect and amazing, yet still no one wants to actually be with them…it’s infuriating. So for the record, don’t call me perfect. I’m not. It will only make me want to throat punch you three times in a row.

So here’s the thing. I’ve done the work. I love me some me. Yea some days I annoy myself, I get on my nerves, I question myself and my worth, I feel broken, I feel stupid, I feel unworthy, some days I look in the mirror and see a goddess, some days I see a monster, but at the end of it all I love who I am, who I was, who I will be, where I am going, what I am doing, and the way I choose to be in this crazy world. I’ve got that part down. I love me despite it all…

So if I go off this crazy logic, it should be raining men right now!!! NOT! Alas, here I am, with no one to love. AND BEFORE YOU GO THERE yes, I have my daughter, I have my family, I have friends , I am beyond blessed…BUT WHY DOES THAT MEAN I CAN’T BE GRATEFUL FOR ALL OF THAT AND HAVE A MAN!

I seriously wish someone would cut the bullshit and just be honest and not try to spare my feelings. I wish someone would just be like look Ashley, here’s the issue, your awesome but your breath stinks, or sometimes you have psychotic breaks and turn into the devil and no one is actually telling you, or that super hard blink thing that you do it’s just to much. No one wants to deal with that. Whatever it is just let me know. But this “it’s not you it’s me”, “Jesus hasn’t sent the one yet,” “your just so amazing and it scares people”…all that that shit is for the birds.

I know this. I have an intense, burning desire to love and be loved. Some days it’s a little less intense because life chooses to dangle hope in my face like a carrot and I get tired of trying to reach it. I don’t know how many more times I have in me to try to bite that damn carrot. I’m sure I’ll keep trying though.

Choosing me is hard, every time, but I do it. I just hope one day someone else won’t find it so difficult. Hope, however, is a terribly painful thing to have.

Heartbreak is a Universal Language (my review of the Sam Smith concert)

I had the pleasure of seeing Sam Smith in concert on Friday thanks to my fellow blogger Malcolm. It was bittersweet as I’ve been his honorary last minute concert buddy a few times and now he’s moving so that will come to an end. I will have to actually plan in advance to attend a concert in DC and hope he lets me stay with him if it ever happens again!! But back to Sam Smith.

This was definitely one of my most favorite concerts I’ve ever attended. I will be honest and say I haven’t attended many. The few I have attended have been pretty varied though. County music, Christian music, hip hop, pop, Beyoncé and Daley and Sam Smith whom I’m really not sure what to classify them as. I saw someone post on Malcolm’s status the other day that “blue eyed R&B” is a thing. Part of me was offended by that but that’s another post. Back to Sam Smith.

Starting with the pretend final song and into the definitely planned encore of the show, I started having this surreal moment and also began writing this blog.

He pretended to end the show with “Too Good at Goodbyes.” This is my ultimate Sam Smith jam. When I first heard that song I could have sworn he sat down and talked to me one day and was like “hey Ashley, I want to write a song about you. How should it go?” It is no secret to anyone that I’ve had my fair share of failed relationships, heartbreak, almost relationships and things just not working out for one reason or another. After this last one and the few mini encounters with people since then, I’ve realized that my ability to pick up the pieces and move on has gotten better each time. Not only is my fallback game strong but my comeback game is pretty good too. So this song definitely speaks to me on a spiritual level.

I stood in a stadium with several hundred people who apparently felt the same way. (One of those people kept farting and I just feel the need to call them out publicly again because they were a terrible person.) We all sang our hearts out. Old, young, Black, White, LGBTQ+, heterosexual and everything in between. Every last one of us sang that song as if it was written for us. Sam even told us to sing it to our ex and we sang a little louder and with a little more passion.

That’s when it hit me. Heartbreak is a universal language. In that moment, everyone in that stadium was taken to a place where we remembered a time where we were mistreated, misused, hurt, and felt that dreaded feeling of “well damn, here we go again.” I stood there singing, and wondering, why? Why does everyone go through this? Why do we mistreat each other? Why do we hurt each other? Why do you pretend to love people then walk away so quickly? Why do we try to force things that clearly aren’t working? Why is it an absolute in life that you will be hurt by love? While I don’t know why I do know that music has a way of bringing us all together to heal from those experiences even if just for a moment.

So we all sang that song. Saying screw you and screw Love.

I’m never gonna let you close to me. Even though you mean the most to me. Cause every time I open up, it hurts. So I’m never gonna get to close to you. Even when I mean the most to you. In case you go and leave me in the dirt.

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry. And every time you leave me the quicker these tears dry. And every time you walk out, the less I love you. Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true…

I’m way to good at goodbyes

But it didn’t stop there. Sam pretended like the concert was over, waved goodbye and walked off stage. I thought to myself “that was a very crappy way to leave what was a pretty intimate concert. I’m not buying it.” Some people started to leave as well. I would like to point out that one of those people was the smelly culprit because there was no more farting during the final part of the show. And that’s what their stank behind gets because they missed an awesome ending.

After tons of screaming, yelling and clapping, the band returned and Sam ascended some stairs. Clearly this was a planned encore and I’m not mad at him.

In a very Romeo and Juliette-ish manner, Sam at the top of the stairs and one of his amazing background singers at the bottom of the stage sang “Palace” to each other. And my theory continued. We all sang together of the pain of heartbreak and trying but this time we were all reminded that while it may suck sometimes, the real thing is worth it even if it doesn’t last. We sang this song about fighting for love, with just as much passion as we did when we said screw love. Because we’ve all known a love that helped us grow and become who we are today, even if they aren’t around to see it.

Yeah I know just what you’re saying and I regret ever complaining about this heart and all it’s breaking. It was beauty we were making.

And I know we’ll both move on. You’ll forgive what I did wrong. They will love the better you but I still own the ghost of you.

I’m gonna miss you. I’m still there. Sometimes I wish we never built this palace but real love is never a waste of time.

At this point I was about done with Sam and his mess. I’ve heard these songs a thousand times before including multiple times that day as I prepared for the concert. For some reason though, in this order, in this arena, with these people (minus the fart master) it was having an effect on my and my eyes were getting irritated.

And then he hit me with the icing on the cake and I wanted to cry, and scream, and laugh, and have a full on moment in the middle of the aisle.

Why am I so emotional? No it’s not a good look, gain some self control. And deep down I know this never works, but you can lay with me so it doesn’t hurt.

Oh won’t you you stay with me? Cause you’re all I need. This ain’t love, it’s clear to see but darling, stay with me.

Maybe it’s my own personal stuff coming out. Maybe it’s where my life has wound up. Maybe it’s being single, and thirty, with an achey womb and a ticking biological clock. Maybe it was because I was about to start my period and would have probably gotten emotional at a Plies concert. I don’t know. All I know is, at this point, maybe that’s all we are looking for. Someone to stick around. Preferably because they love you and want to be with you and want a commitment and long term relationship with rings, and dogs, and kids, and happiness and all those things that we are told we are supposed to have by now. But when it doesn’t happen. When it feels like it may never happen. When you start to question if there is just something so wrong with you that no one will ever want to do those things with you or at least not for a long time…sometimes it’s nice to just have someone who stays. Someone to lay with so it doesn’t hurt. If it turns into something more fantastic.

If it doesn’t…well…we can appreciate it for what it was and then turn up the Sam Smith really loud and wallow in our heartbreak with the millions of people around the world doing the same.

I have become that person…but how?

I spent a lot of time with friends yesterday. A group of friends for brunch and then another friend stopped by to chat for a bit. That’s what adults do right? Eat brunch and chat? How did I get here?

Those two conversations were filled with lots of catching up and discussion of future plans as most conversations are. I’ve had similar conversations with all of these people multiple times because while I love them all dearly and am super close to them all I don’t see them frequently because of life and adulting. And that’s fine. We all are doing it and no one gets mad about it. I appreciate that about my friends.

At some point during both conversations though I realized, I have become that person. What person you ask? Well if your just a little patient I’ll tell!

In discussing some of my personal goals, the usual, weight loss, saving money, moving out (yep…I’m 30 years old and still live with my parents. That’s a blog for another day) came up. I’ve recently started to pick up on peoples responses to my saying I’m going to do these things. Let’s just say they aren’t good. Sometimes it’s met with laughter (thanks Dad), sometimes it’s met with harsh reminders (I thought you were on a diet) that only really serve to annoy me and trigger my stubbornness (thanks Mom), most times it’s met with slight side eye, sighs of “that’s great” with the undertone of “we’ve had this conversation plenty of times but yet here you still are” and encouragement with a hint of “there’s really no reason why you haven’t already done this you’re just lazy/content and used to this lifestyle” (thanks friends, family, coworkers, strangers). And I admit, since these are areas I am not happy with in my life, I probably read more into people’s slight shifts in tone, side eyes, eye rolls, and comments than they actually mean. And I put some of the stuff I’ve been already thinking into their comments too.

But, the realization that I have become that person, officially hit me after brunch, when my friend Michael stopped by and I told him my plan to move out and then my thoughts about potential life style changes for health purposes and both comments got a sarcastic slow clap with a “we’ll see.” A lot of people would be pissed at Michael for this response. I, however, have known Michael for going on 20 years (how did we get so old) and while he may be a self proclaimed ass hole, his intentions (towards me at least) are never to hurt or harm. We could all use a level headed, blunt, call it what it is friend…even if it bruises our ego a bit because on the flip side, Michael has always celebrated any of my successes with the fierceness of a loving brother.

So, what have my friends responses for several weeks/months/years and at brunch and Michael’s slow clap helped me to realize…I have become that person. Dear God lady what person?!?! I’ve become the person that no one actually takes serious when they set goals. The person that sets these goals and is super excited about them but somewhere down the line, and usually very quickly, falls off. It would not surprise me if my family secretly takes bets on how long I will keep up any dieting or healthy living practices. And I know for certain they do not believe me or even entertain my talks about moving out anymore. It’s as if everyone is just waiting to see if it happens but no one is holding their breath because they know the possibility of them dying in the process is high.

But how did I get here?

I’m not sure I’ve ever been a highly goal oriented person. I’ve always felt like most people have known since they were 6 what they wanted to do with their life. I literally decided I wanted to be a counselor one day while on campus my senior year of undergrad talking to a friend. I had about 3 months to get my application turned in take the necessary tests to apply. Then in grad school I felt everyone knew what population they wanted to work with. I have stumbled through the last five years finally finding a population that I absolutely love but even then had to step away from in order to be effective and not lose my own mind. Once a month, usually right before I start my period when I feel bloated and disgusting I go to bed and say “ok this is it. I’m going to get my life together.” Then I start my period, refuse to do anything that week because life is hard enough when your vagina is dying so I have all intentions of doing something when it’s over. My period ends, the bloating goes away, and while my body is far from perfect I usually catch a glimpse in the mirror before I shower one day and say “you know what, you good Ashley! If someone can’t love all of this then they don’t deserve you” and the cycle begins again. I can justify a lot of things and I ultimately refuse to shame myself for being human and doing things that humans need to do like eat, and rest, and enjoy life so as not to go crazy…but then I can justify doing these to excess which is where the problem begins.

It’s almost as if that slow clap Michael did made me connect all the dots and realize that while he’s the only person who did it outright, everyone else is probably doing it in their mind. My response to him was something along the lines of “don’t doubt me” to which he responded with something far less enlightening but similar too “I don’t doubt you can do it. I’m just waiting for it to happen.”

I know a few things about myself. One of which is that I can be really stubborn and strong willed and there is a certain level and type of negativity that I use as a driving force. It’s what caused me to give birth without an epidural, because everyone said I wouldn’t. It’s what caused me to go to college and grad school and find a career that I love, because I was afraid of becoming a teen mom statistic or being what I knew people were betting I would be…a failure.

But sometimes that backfires. And there is a moment where those negative comments become my way of fighting the system and my stubbornness becomes “oh I’ll show you that I absolutely do not have to do these things.” That’s usually surrounds any negative responses to my weight gain/loss or my still living at home.

So yes, I have become that person. I’m aware. I apologize to the people who are sick of hearing me talk about these things without seeing any action. I thank you for loving me all the same and not giving up. I’ve decided to make no promises and to also stop talking about it. Thank you Michael for that slow clap and gentle chuckle of supportive pessimism.

We shall see what happens!!

I Want to be With you Shooting in the Gym

Let’s get one thing out of the way, I can’t play basketball. So if you take that title seriously, you will be really disappointed when we actually go to the gym or basketball court and I suck. But I’ll go. We just won’t actually be playing. Anywho!

Let’s start here though. If someone, anyone, a fairy godmother or Jesus himself, had told me at any point in my life that I would one day be 30, single, and living with my parents I would have laughed hysterically in their face!! I don’t know anyone who grows up thinking yes, that’s the life I want. One of perpetual singleness and no one to share life’s highs and lows with. I feel like we are fed, from a very young age, wether it’s by Disney movies, our parents, friends, family, television, music, I don’t know, but the plan that is always handed out is, grow up, find a job, get a partner, get married, live happily ever after. Heck, even the old board game “Life” had a check point where you got married. You had to. There was no option to say “nah. I’ll pass. I’ll do this thing alone.” So clearly this was how things were supposed to go. At some point in time, somehow, somewhere, I was just supposed to be handed a husband and we would do this thing together.

Not.

And clearly I have done some things a little non traditional. I have a daughter. She’s amazing. I would not change the time that I had her for anything in the world. Even a husband. We are a package deal if anyone ever does show up. I may have made myself undateable by some men’s standards due to my education, my career, or my salary. Those men are clearly not for me. I don’t know. Whatever I’ve done to contribute to my perpetual singledom, I’ve done a tremendous job.

But still. I don’t think it’s just me. In my adventures into the land of dating I have come across this phenomenon at an alarming consistency. There are a group of people out there (my experience has only been with men but I imagine women are saying the same thing) that want to be 100% put together before they get into a serious committed relationship. They want to be settled in their career, financially stable, own a home and three cars, their own business and this whole list of other things, before they can consider adding a partner to that mix.

And here’s the thing. It makes sense, on paper. It looks good, in theory. But in reality not so much. It makes sense that you would need to be completely consumed by your work and career to get to that place and that a relationship may distract you. But the thing is. These people are still out there dating and running into unsuspecting women like me who want to do both. Who want to build this life but do it with someone. Not alone.

I am blessed in that my parents are still together. And today, they are pretty well off. Not wealthy by any means but the struggle is definitely over. My dad likes to leave his pay stubs laying around so that I “accidentally” see what he brings home every two weeks. Clearly I have chosen the wrong path in life! And my mom can channel her inner Ebenezer Scrooge and save some money pennies like a pro.

But it has not always been that way. They often tell me stories of supporting a family of 4 off of an $800 a month military salary. Buying a large pack of chicken and making it last a week. Eating out three times a year and one time going out with friends and ordering the cheapest thing they could find because they didn’t know how they were going to pay for it. My sister used to go with my dad to the car wash and go around picking up change off the ground so that she could get a piece of candy and he could get a drink at the gas station when they were done. The struggle was real people!!! But here’s the thing, as a young child during those days…you couldn’t tell me we weren’t living the good life! I was very much aware that the bouncy horse in my room came from the dumpster (which is part of the reason why I don’t understand all this hype about people being sad Toy-R-Us is closing. What is that place? It’s actually real?!?) I thought this was amazing. My toy box was a large moving box. But it was awesome because me and my sister could fit in it and have enough room to play with the toys. The struggle was real but life was good because we had each other. Now I know that’s a very glossed over version of the actual story but you get the point.

My parents relationship is by no means perfect. I have witnessed them fuss and fight and struggle first hand. But I’m truly convinced that it is in the struggle and the fight and working TOGETHER that builds the strength for a marriage, a relationship, a family to last.

So I fully get when drake said “You wasn’t with me shooting in the gym,” and when people reference this as a way to say don’t expect to live off my success if you weren’t there to help me build it. My question is, why are so many people afraid to even allow someone in the gym with them to shoot in the first place?

I think we create a very weird and fragile situation when we wait to be “perfect” or “good” before looking for a partner, because then at the slightest sign of trouble we are ready to let it all go because we don’t want them to mess up everything we’ve built. Because it’s all mine. Not there’s. Not ours. They didn’t help. They weren’t here in the beginning so I’m not going to allow them to benefit from or destroy the ending. And to me it just sounds lonely.

So again, here I sit, several months into the dreaded 30. It’s not been so bad. I got a new job. A pay raise. But I’m just seriously confused and frustrated by the fact that I am actually contemplating stepping out on my own, saving to a buy a home, having a solid career, being a decent woman with some pretty useful skills, and having all this love and support to give but no one wants it. I would not have believed anyone if they told me this 10 years, 5 years, even a year ago but alas here I am.

To all the men I’ve come across with this mentality, I hope it works out and I wish you the best. To the few people out there who may not have this mentality, if we cross paths, and it goes well and maybe it works out… let me in coach! I’m ready to play…but again… I suck at actual basketball so please be sure you fully understand this entire metaphor!

146 Reasons Why You Should Most Definitely Date Me

Of course I had to do a counter-post to my previous list of 153 reasons why you probably shouldn’t date me. As I went through I realized a few of the items on the other list were redundant. But any-who, here you have 146 reasons why you should absolutely, positively, most definitely, without a doubt date me! I’m trying to tell y’all. I’m kind of awesome!

1. I’m not perfect. As a result I won’t expect you to be either. I will understand if you mess up (within reason. No cheating allowed) and as long as you show remorse and that you really are working on it. I’m cool with that.

2. I don’t really like to argue. Definitely not screaming yelling matches. But even minor disagreements. I know they will happen. But if they can happen without yelling, screaming and tire slashing…I’m all for that.

3. I have pretty awesome hair. Sometimes I wear it straight and feel super fierce and you can run your fingers through it. Most of the time I wear it curly and it’s big and beautiful and you’ll want to touch it. I’ll let you because you’re my boo.

4. People have said I have pretty feet. I keep them done regularly so if you have a thing for feet that’s good.

5. While I don’t do foot rubs, I will gladly offer up a good back or shoulder rub.

6. We can totally go get pedicures together. I would find that to be a really great date.

7. I don’t expect you to pay for me to get my nails done. I very rarely have fake nails but when I do, I can pay for them. If you wanted to, I would struggle to let you unless you insisted.

8. I smell like coconut!!! Legit. My hair products, my lotion, my body wash..all coconut. I’m like a walking tropical island with a pina colada.

9. I have a great support system outside of you. While I’ll definitely talk to you about my problems or concerns I don’t expect you to fix them. If you aren’t readily available I won’t have a meltdown.

10. I will gush about you to my friends and family. I will struggle not to tell them every simple, sweet, wonderful thing you do. If you are amazing, they will know.

11. I’m really close to my parents. I love them and they are my favorite, but they do want me to have a life outside of them and the house. They are permanent babysitters with zero concern about it if we go out.

12. I make a decent living. Not rich but my bills get paid on time. If your bae, I don’t mind treating you to a nice night. Together we would probably have a decent life as long as you make more than minimum wage.

13. I have a daughter. She tells me I’m a pretty good mom. I’m sure I could do better. If we had children I would be a pretty good mom to those kids too. I love babies.

14. I’m not a Virgin! I mean if you’re lookin for a Virgin this isn’t going to work but if you don’t care about that kind of things we might have decent sex.

15. I probably won’t judge you on your number count. I mean if it’s like 1000 I will question your mental stability and it probably won’t work out. But if it’s a pretty normal number I won’t care. That’s actually not a question I ever care about asking.

16. I like to sleep.

17. We can take naps together and I will consider this quality time spent together.

18. If you like thighs. I’ve got thighs for days.

19. I’ll understand if you aren’t a big fan of the gym.

20. I don’t expect you to be a perfectionist.

21. If you propose, our wedding planning may or may not be already completed as long as you like my style. But if you proposed because you love me you’ll probably like my style.

22. Why would you not want a wedding with hints of Harry Potter?

23. I love Harry Potter. This honestly gives you an endless supply of gift ideas for any occasion.

24. I will leave you alone while you watch sports if that’s what you want. Or I’ll grab a book and read next to you while you watch. Or if you want to try explaining it to me I will listen. I’ll also make you wings.

25. I make a pretty good hot wing among many other food and desert related items.

26. I’m not stupid. You should like that unless you just like dating stupid women. Whatever floats your boat there.

27. I have my masters degree. You can brag about that to your coworkers.

28. I pick up on little details in conversations and daily living. I like to do little things to show you I care even if you haven’t flat out said you like or need something. I’ll see it. (Sometimes)

29. I will get you Valentine’s gifts. We can definitely show each other that we love each other all year round, but we can also do fun things on Valentine’s too!

30. While I’m not a fan of combined birthday and Christmas presents I’m used to them. I’ll playfully give you a hard time about it but I won’t be mad.

31. I like reading. I won’t force you to If you don’t like too but if you do that’s great. Books are awesome.

32. I blog! That means you get a first hand look into what’s going on in my head without even having to ask!

33. I will write about you in my blog! Especially if it works out or you make me really happy!

34. I won’t send random nudes to random people. If you can appreciate this you are my kind of person.

35. I’ve got lots of curves, good for cuddling, hugging and napping on. Pick a thigh, butt cheek or fluffy tummy space and rest your weary head.

36. Sometimes I get dressed up and fancy and turn a few heads.

37. I have good hygiene. I don’t like smelling bad. I don’t wear perfume and no one tells me I stink so I think I just naturally smell good.

38. I’m very passionate about my job and enjoy what I do. I’ll have lots of entertaining stories for

39. I’m a good listener.

40. I don’t really offer a lot of advice because I assume people are naturally smart and know how to live their life better than I do. But if I do offer advice it will be well thought out and hopefully helpful.

41. I’m not a fan of the silent treatment. So I probably won’t do that if we argue. Some time to step away and calm down, sure, but not ignoring calls or texts. Let’s talk this out and get to the making up!

42. I’m not a grammar nazi

43. You can pick on my grammar. I don’t care

44. You can help me with math so you can feel smarter than me there

45. I won’t judge you if your bed isn’t made. Just change the sheets regularly.

46. I make pretty babies. I also had a pretty easy pregnancy the first go around so if the next time goes the same it should be pretty stress free for you.

47. I shed a lot in the shower but not anywhere else. So you won’t find random hairs all over the place.

48. When slightly intoxicated I don’t care what I look like when I dance. So you may find that entertaining. I also have random dance parties in the kitchen when I’m cooking. You can join.

49. Sometimes I sing to annoy my daughter. It’s usually old Mariah Carey songs. Or other 90’s R&B

50. Once I’m comfortable around you, and I start singing and dancing you will have an endless supply of entertainment.

51. Once I feel safe and comfortable around you, you may wish I no longer was but it’ll still be fun. That’s the point right. To find someone you can be 100% yourself around.

52. I will not get shitfaced in public. You will not have to drag me out of anywhere drunk.

53. When my friends and I go out for margaritas and movies, you should definitely go do something with your friends. See ya later babe!

54. I love to travel. We can start a travel bucket list and do all the things.

55. I won’t make fun of you for having boogers. Boogers are natural. I’ll get you a tissue

56. I will take care of you when you have the man-flu. I’m a nurterer to my core.

57. I’m a great little spoon.

58. I don’t mind wearing ear plugs if you snore.

59. I like to joke and flirt. Not so much like full on shit talk though.

60. I’ll willingly let you drive everywhere!

61. Women are hot but we won’t have a threesome (not sure if you’ll find that to be a plus or not)

62. I am super open and accepting of most things and people. Do you boo just don’t hurt or kill anyone.

63. Not going to lie. I appreciate traditional gender roles at times.

64. I love black people!

65. My mom is white and she’s the most awesome white woman you will ever meet.

66. I won’t cuss at you. Like cuss you out. I don’t appreciate it happening to me so I don’t do it.

67. I will pray for you. I already am.

68. God is good all the time and all the time God is good. I try to remember this and live life accordingly and engage with people accordingly. But I’m not perfect.

69. I will go to church with you.

70. I approach people with the idea that all people are inherently good. I will believe you are good and trustworthy unless you prove me wrong.

71. The idea of being in a committed relationship with a man at the head of that relationship most days gives me hope. I may be feisty and fiery but I will submit and follow if I believe in the direction we are going. I will be the best rib you have ever found.

72. I believe in work and putting in work to make a relationship work.

73. I think a lot and try to see if there are areas I need to work on without someone else pointing it out.

74. I am not a vengeful person. I’m not usually interested in revenge.

75. I am not a picky eater. My foods I don’t eat list includes canned asparagus and liver if it’s not cooked right. So you can pretty much take me anywhere and I’ll be happy.

76. If you pay for the food, I will not waste it

77. If something is chasing us it will probably get me first because I can’t run.

78. You can make fun of my heavy breathing. I don’t care.

79. You can make fun of my hard blinking. I don’t care.

80. Growing up in the military instilled a love for travel and culture and diversity.

81. I am excited to have more kids one day within a loving and committed relationship/Home

82. My pettiness is usually not directed at people I love.

83. I have tried to learn something from each relationship I have been in no matter how short or long it was.

84. I will be honest with you

85. I won’t expect you to be near me 24/7

86. I will hold you to standards. I will encourage and support you in whatever goals you have set for yourself (unless it’s goals like sleep with a thousand women).

87. I will respect you

88. I will be faithful

89. I will consider your feelings in almost everything I do.

90. I will be kind to you

91. I’m not a hoe

92. I won’t have you out here looking stupid

93. I will try my best to keep my word.

94. I will go out with you!! And sometimes I will pay too!

95. I will tell you the truth

96. I will be mindful of your feelings and not say things to be intentionally cruel.

97. I will treat you like a man

98. I won’t hit you

99. While I’m quiet I think I can hold a decent conversation about more than the weather. I’m kind of funny sometimes too. Unless really mad I don’t yell. I won’t cuss you out.

100. I obey the law. There is very little chance you will ever have to bail me out of jail.

101. I drink responsibly.

102. I will try with everything in my being to understand you and not assume I know you.

103. I will mess up. But what’s life without a few good stories to tell.

104. You won’t have to stop me from fighting in public.

105. My taste in music is super varied. Chances are I like whatever you like. If not I can be easily convinced.

106. I won’t judge you for liking “bad” music.

107. You can teach me all the cool kid things. I won’t be good at it but it’ll give you a good laugh.

108. If your black, you can teach me all the cool black people stuff.

109. I won’t judge you if you like coffee.

110. I won’t send you hey stranger texts. Actually, if it doesn’t work out, you don’t have to worry about me contacting you. I will pretty much disappear and I will definitely leave you alone.

111. I think tattoos are cool.

112. I will listen to all your tattoo stories with extreme interest.

113. I will understand if sometimes you obsess over things. Even if I don’t understand the thing.

114. We can try new things together. Food, activities, outings. Whatever. New is fun. Or you can teach me new things. That’s fun too.

115. I understand that people change. Growth is good.

116. I will pay attention to you. I text back super fast. If I don’t I’m either working or asleep. But usually I text back super fast.

117. I’m usually not super busy so we can do things as long as I have some advance notice to plan.

118. Im easily pleased. I don’t need lots of fancy things.

119. We can do creative things together. Painting classes. Painting pottery. I’m crafty! Need something created, I’m your girl!

120. Sometimes I might surprise you.

121. If you choose to leave by way of cheating and finding someone else before you leave me. I probably won’t flip out. I will be sad and hurt. I won’t key your car or try to kill you. I won’t show up and fight the girl. I will willingly concede and walk away.

122. I’m not a nag (well not much).

123. My guy friends are awesome. You might like them.

124. I’m not the jealous type as long as things don’t feel suspicious and you are honest. Communication and openness goes a long way.

125. I will understand if past relationships have you wary about ours. We can work on that together.

126. There’s still a lot of me to learn and discover!

127. I won’t judge you if you like things that aren’t the norm or technically cool by other people’s standards.

128. I’m tall!

129. Self care is important to me so I will totally encourage you to have your own self care routines.

130. I have a theory about short men after years of research with tall men. So I’m not opposed at all.

131. Guys don’t talk to me in public for the most part because I’m apparently intimidating. So you don’t have to worry about that if I go out without you.

132. They really don’t talk to me if I have my resting bitch face on. So I can always just do that.

133. My period is super predictable. Give me peanut m&m’s the week before and I’ll love you forever.

134. I appreciate constructive feedback at times.

135. I like to joke

136. I appreciate sarcasm.

137. I will laugh at you and with you.

138. My social media posts are entertaining.

139. I don’t think I ask for too much.

140. I won’t nag you with questions.

141. I like watching tv. We can binge watch things together.

142. I give lots of chances

143. I will not judge your past life. Unless you were a serial killer or rapist.

144. We can go to the movies and I will be super happy!

145. I have had one guy open a car door for me in order for me to get out of the car. That’s awkward. Don’t do that. Unless you want. You can open doors though. I won’t judge you if you don’t. I appreciate chivalry and common male niceness

146. I have a passport. We can travel the world together!