What No One Tells You About Getting Old

*Disclaimer: yes I know I’m only 30. I’m not that old so please don’t read the title and immediately start saying stuff like “oh you don’t know nothing yet. Just you wait.” You know why, because this post is specifically for people who say that kind of shit when someone younger than them says something about getting old. You, are on my list of slightly annoying humans.*

Alright, now that that’s out of the way. I have come to realize that there are two very specific things that no one warned me would happen as I start to get older.

I have been 30 for about 9 months now and for the most part it’s been going pretty good. There are the typical getting older things that I prepared for.

My ability to understand new technology has ended. I give up. I had to ask my daughter how to add my bitmoji to a post on SnapChat and you would have thought I asked her how to save a word document the way she looked at me.

My taste in music has basically been stuck in the early 2000’s since I left middle school. Occasionally I find a new song I like and play it to death but the classics will never get old. *cash money taking over for the 99 and the 2000 begins playing softly in the background*

I have never been able to do any of those new fancy dances. That started with that stupid dance for “It’s Going Down” by Young Joc at junior prom and it has only gotten worse from there.

I’ve long ago lost track of all the new slang. Most of the time the words just annoy the mess out of me. This originally started with the word “swagger” and has only gotten worse from there.

I’ve basically been a little old lady trapped in a young persons body my whole life it feels like. And I’ve been okay with that. But lately my body has been catching up and it too has been saying

Just a little too frequently for my liking.

Example number 1 of how my body is getting too old for this shit:

I used to be able to eat anything I wanted without and consequences. It was a beautiful thing that I did not appreciate until it was too late. My metabolism basically drove off a cliff after I got pregnant. A lot of that may have been genetic as I come from a family of big beautiful women. Recently, however, it has not just been the weight gain or difficulty losing it that has been the issue.

All of my beloved sugary, fatty, deep fried favorites are literally causing me physical pain or at the very least extreme fatigue. I literally have a conversation with myself before eating any type of sugar to acknowledge the torture that will come.

And if it’s a slice of bread, just know I will be struggling not to sleep for the rest of the day. I like naps but I have to work.

The Venn diagram of all the foods I love that are bad for me and all the foods that make me feel like crap is now officially a circle.

And unlike this nifty Gif I found the circles just stop once they overlap. (Fun fact. If you spell it as vin and not venn you just get a bunch of Gifs of Vin Diesel).

Example number 2 of how my body is getting too old for this shit:

I don’t heal like I used too. Cuts, bruises, and random scrapes take for ever to heal. A hang nail can be painful for several days. My body seems to have just given up on fixing itself. It’s basically saying “well friend, it’s all down hill from here so why even try.”

Basically:

I got into a car the other day and hit my shin in the glove compartment. It bruised immediately, swelled up and it hurt to walk. It took a solid two weeks to stop being tender to the touch.

I had blood drawn 10 days ago. I immediately knew she had messed up and it was going to bruise. I looked like I was shooting heroin for a solid seven days and like someone had grabbed my arm a little too hard for the remaining two. Today is the first day without any bruising.

Here is a incomplete list of things that have caused me physical pain in the last nine months:

Walking up stairs

Exercise (but not like oh feel the burn it’s working pain. No. Injury)

Sitting for too long

Sleeping for too long

Leaning against something for too long

Resting my leg against a coffee table as I do a puzzle

Picking up my nephew

Doing my hair

So basically

And the “this” I’m referring to is daily living without injuring myself.

Part of me worries all of this is actually signs of some medical issue. I had my yearly check up. My A1C is back below pre-diabetic levels for the first time in years, my thyroid is good, my liver is good, no cervical cancer or STI’s. My cholesterol is a little high probably thanks to that month of keto I did (mmmm bacon). But for the most part all the basic tests came back with good results.

Which leads me to conclude I’m just getting old and this is what happens but no one tells you. Thanks guys!

I’m going to go sign up for life alert now just to be safe.

Rain, Rain go Away…Or Stay. That’s Fine Too.

The weather out here in North Carolina has been all over the place the last week or two, but that’s pretty normal. I have literally experienced a tornado, sunshine, heat, and rain in the last two weeks. I also saw some left over snow while traveling for work. Currently we are on hour 10473729202840727 of steady rain. Ok that’s an exaggeration but we are approaching 48 hours. There is currently flooding in parts of the city.

I really enjoy a good storm. It’s soothing and I get some really good sleep. But after a while, I start to wonder if it’s ever going to stop and if I’ll survive. I also despise driving in the rain so there’s that reason why I get a little antsy when it just keeps raining

Today, while driving in the rain funnily enough, I started making a list of reasons why we need a good storm every now and then. Some literal. Some metaphorical. Most are both. Enjoy.

1. Growth. Everything needs water to grow. Part of me is really sad my garden isn’t planted yet because this would be the most amazing watering ever. I really hate dragging the hose across the yard and back again so I am always thankful for a good rain to water things for me. Every once in a while a good storm comes along and while it may be scary while your in the midst of it, afterwards you can definitely see how the downpour helped creat abundance, beauty and growth. (That’s the metaphor part if you didn’t catch it)

2. Cleansing: have you bathed lately? Not just your physical being but other areas as well. A good soul cleansing scrub is sometimes needed. A good soak in a tub is good for the soul and one of my favorite forms of self care. When was the last time you just stood in the rain? One day in grad school I was so stressed and overwhelmed and I had parked my car on the opposite side of campus and it was raining. I walked to my car with my umbrella but when I got there I closed it and put it in the car. I stayed outside and just let the rain wash over me a little bit. A tear or two may have mixed in with the rain drops. I don’t know. But I do know it was cathartic. If I hadn’t just spend $90 on my hair I would consider going outside right now for a few minutes.

3. Healing: A good storm can be therapeutic I think. Healing for the heart, mind and soul. And for one instance for me, the body. I used to have really bad TMJ issues. For 10 years my jaw popped out of place every time I opened my mouth wide. It hurt constantly and was made worse by a lot of talking or excessive smiling. I couldn’t chew gum. The only good thing that ever came out of my TMJ issues is that I learned the joys of medium cooked steaks as anything above that irritated my jaw. I went to the doctor, I took ibuprofen for pain, I had a $200 mouth guard made by the dentist, I had a $5 bite guard from Walmart. I even had a chiropractor punch me in the jaw repeatedly with some tool. Nothing helped. One day, after a few days of rain, and some pretty serious thunder and lightening, I came home in serious pain, took some ibuprofen and put in the $5 mouth guard. I went to sleep so as not to feel anything. I woke up the next day and immediately knew something was different. My jaw has only popped when I yawn unexpectedly or open my mouth funny since then. I WAS HEALED!! I will never be angry about rainy days ever again because one literally healed my body.

(In case you were wondering how your jaw works)

4. Rest: I think a good storm causes us all to slow down a little bit. Whether it’s slowing down while driving or just choosing to stay in for the day, rest is needed. Also, waterbeds weren’t all the rage back in the day for no reason! Water is soothing to the soul. No matter what anyone says, sleep is not the cousin of death. You have to sleep to live. If anything, if you don’t sleep you will die sooner! So if you too are experiencing a stormy day (of any kind) consider using it to take a good nap.

So there you have it. I know it’s a much shorter list than I normally make but I hope you have enjoyed it all the same. I also hope, if you are currently experiencing any sort of storm in your life, literal or otherwise, that you take a few moments to find and appreciate just a little of the beauty that there may be in the midst of it.