You Should Be Pressed

Every once in a while, well actually quite often, a phrase comes a long that gives me such a visceral reaction of disgust that I struggle to contain myself when I hear it. Phrases such as swag, bae and on fleek are on the list. The current culprit is:

“Im not pressed”

The context in which I have heard this phrase has always been in reference to relationships. I assume that what the person means is “I’m not in a rush to get in a relationship or have any form of intimate, genuine, authentic connection with people. I have options. You are one of many.” So forgive me if you utter these words and I adjust my interaction with you accordingly. We are clearly not looking for the same things.

I get it. Relationships are tough. Sometimes they suck. I almost daily contemplate becoming a nun, or just giving up on the human population period and wholly embracing my singleness forever and always, amen.

But call me crazy, for some reason I still have a little hope. Just the slightest bit of hope that someone will see me and say “damn, I need to get to know her.” And then they will get to know me and say “damn, I need her in my life on a consistent basis.” And then we will be consistent for a while and they will say “damn, I need to make sure that no one else gets the chance to experience this amazing creation of God that I have been blessed with.” Yep. Call me crazy but it would be kind of nice to find someone who is in fact “pressed.”

I do not like living, dating and trying to love, in a world where people are not pressed. Where no one feels a sense of urgency. Where no one sees the need to be with someone. Where no one sees the need for consistency, and respect, and the offering of time and intimacy because they aren’t pressed. Because everything and everyone is just another option and there may be someone better around the corner so I’m not going to be pressed about you or the next one or the next one. (I blame online dating)

I am well aware that I am not everyone’s cup of tea. Hell, I’m not most people’s cup of tea. Apparently I’m easy on the eyes but then slightly intolerable once you get to know me so there’s no need to be pressed. That’s okay. By all means take your unironed, unwrinkled, fluffy tail somewhere else. (Yes I did google antonyms for pressed) Find someone else who is also “not pressed” and y’all can engage in vague, undefined, inconsistent, random conversation for the rest of your unpressed lives.

Who knows, maybe I am the crazy one. Maybe somewhere along the line I developed a unrealistic definition of love and unhealthy expectations for what my love life would be like. Maybe my pressedness is what’s causing my singleness to thrive. Maybe I need to start practicing the art of the unpressed.

To end this rant, here is a unfinished list of all the things I am pressed about:

Love

Life

Finding a forever partner in crime

Turning 30 in 6 Days

Money

Buying Christmas presents that people will like

Whether or not my current job is the right fit

Why I’ve given up on weight loss and become content with that 20 lbs

What to wear for my last weekend in my 20’s celebration

Why I can’t figure out how to move out of my parents house

Whether or not I’m a good mother

Whether or not I’m just a terrible person who is incapable of healthy intimate relationships

Why I haven’t been able to find time to repurpose that dresser

If it snows this winter will I make it to work or will I get in another accident.

Love, I am pressed about love, giving it, finding it, wanting it, needing it, deserving it, fearing it, yearning for it, love. I am pressed about love and that’s ok.

(From the princess saves herself in this one by Amanda Lovelace)

What are you pressed about?

Y’all…

I had to block a number today…

Mind you, this was someone I met pre-Tinder Experiment, so I should have expected the crazy from the jump, but being the nice person that I am decided to just keep him around as a friend for the time being. Just in case. You know…

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Well today, that number has been blocked!

Why, you say?  Because apparently me not wanting to reimburse a 10 dollar movie ticket is an ultimate sin.

Ok I’m super exaggerating that.

In short, I agreed to go to the movies with someone, but decided that it was not a good idea to do so.  I’ll explain later. BUT, to be fair, I will say that I did agree to pay him back at first.  I was like fine, whatever. It’s ten dollars.  So I ask what’s his Venmo, Paypal, Cash app, etc. You know, so I could just shoot him over a few dollars, and forget about it.

This dude tells me he doesn’t have any of those apps and that I can send him a check.  Then proceeds to send me his mailing address.

Yall…

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Like seriously…

I can’t make this shit up…

So at that point I’ve made it up in my mind that he’s not getting this ten dollars. Sorry, not sorry (shoutouts to Demi). Also, it’s a movie you invited me to go to and I said sure,  why not.  I did not contact him about going, nor did I force him to buy the tickets.  He actually kept bothering me, asking me about it and I finally said yeah, because I do want to go see “The Last Jedi”, I really do. I know that I’d really enjoy it. So much so that I was going to go back on Saturday to see it again. To add, he specifically stated “I’ll buy the tickets since you got the last ones”.

Let me also add that NOT ONLY did I pay for the movies the last time because he showed up at the theater on RELEASE WEEKEND of Justice League without buying the tickets in advance; I had to buy them on my phone with MY money; AND we had to get a movie for a later time because the one we showed up for was sold out! BUT I ALSO bought THIS BUM’s brunch like a week earlier! Don’t you know Brunch ain’t cheap?!? AND YOU WANT TO BOTHER ME ABOUT A MOTHER F**KING $10 MOVIE TICKET?!?!?!?

Now again, me and this guy are pretty much just friends at this point and maybe I may have led him on, who knows. But I mentioned from the jump this wasn’t a cuffing season trial relationship. I wasn’t looking for anything. Not trying to get serious. Just. Friends. But I felt something brewing and just had to end it and be like “hey man, we can’t hang out like that anymore”. “I feel like there’s a show of feelings and it’s a little one sided (he was catching feels).”

Well, he called me arrogant for assuming that he was catching feelings. Told me that he’s been hanging around with multiple people, getting down and dirty with them and not only just me and etc. (which mind you, ain’t nothing even ever really happened between him and I like that) and I’m sitting here like…

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(Rainbow and all)

Then, since I told him I didn’t want to hang anymore, that’s when he wanted money back for the movie ticket. So that brings you back to the beginning of this post.

I told him to refund it. As long as the movie hasn’t played, you can get a full refund. Apparently he’s not going to do that so….whatever. I don’t know what else to tell him other than to let him be salty over a Large combo at McDonalds…Or two Cook Out Trays…Or a half tank of gas…Or whatever else that costs ten dollars now days.

Either way I didn’t realize I had to block someone over ten dollars.  Maybe I’ll be on Judge Joe Brown one day fighting this. lol

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(Petty to the 10th power)

 

30 Reasons Why I’m Probably Still Single.

I will be 30 in two weeks. Minus a recent blip on the radar, I have spent the majority of my adult life single.

As 30 quickly approaches, and I enter another year of attempting to embrace my singleness, I have been trying to think of some logical reasons as to why I’m still single.

Here’s what I’ve got so far:

1. I didn’t forward quite a few of those chain letters in middle school that said do this or you will never find love.

2. I’m not a huge sports fan.

3. I’m too tall

4. I’m not an amazing dancer which makes me not appealing at clubs

5. Resting bitch face

6. My love of Harry Potter (this one I don’t understand)

7. Social awkwardness

8. I have been cursed

9. People get explosive diarrhea when they think about talking to me and therefore run to the bathroom. When they come out I’ve disappeared.

10. I am too good of a wing woman

11. I’m a super hero. My super power is scaring people away.

12. I blink really hard sometimes. It makes people think I’m crazy.

13. I’m a therapist. This scares people.

14. People realize how awesome I am. Realize they don’t deserve me. So they go find someone less awesome to love instead.

15. My cooking/baking is so amazing it causes them to fear that they will gain a bunch of weight being with me so they run (figuratively that is).

16. Mama ain’t raise no fool.

17. Neither did my dad.

18. The older I get, the lower my tolerance for bullshit becomes.

19. My hip to waist ratio is not correct.

20. I look bougie

21. I was meant to be a military wife. My entire childhood prepared me for it. I do not live near a military base.

22. I’m intimidating

23. The idea of meeting people scares me.

24. I have briefly met, fallen in loved, and planned weddings with so many people that God is just like “look here. You need to stop.”

25. I’m convinced most people are serial killers.

26. I am not ordering pizza at the right time, therefore the really hot pizza delivery man has not shown up at my house yet.

27. Luke Kuechly is just really nervous.

28. This is some sort of test. I am failing miserably.

29. My introverted nature makes me hate chit chat and small talk. These things appear to me integral parts of meeting people and getting to know them and making them fall in love.

30. Pretty sure it’s those stupid chain letters.

So…if you to are approaching an age where you never imagined you would still be single but alas here you are…what are the logical explanations you have come up with for this phenomenon?!?!

10 surefire ways to ensure I “Swipe Left” on your Tinder profile

I’ve spent a lot of time on Tinder these days and I find myself just being annoyed at things I probably shouldn’t be annoyed at. I mean, I kind of hate people in general,but that’s mostly the general population.  People who I love know I love them.

Don’t get me wrong…

I know I’m not the perfect catch, and I don’t want to be.  I don’t like people having high expectations of me (lol). But there’s this population of people on Tinder that genuinely irks my nerve not because of their face, but what’s in their “about me”.  I kind of feel bad though because half of the people I would swipe right on, fall into this realm because in the past I would just swipe without reading the profile.  Shame on myself!

Anywho, these people are the worst kind of people on Tinder…

1. “All Lives Matter”

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Just…….just don’t. If you don’t understand the meaning behind Black Lives Matter and you’re just saying “All Lives Matter” because you think BLM only means ONLY black lives matter, you are totally missing the point and you are working to invalidate the fact that people of color are being mistreated at the hand of the police and judicial system in general.

Also,  if all lives mattered why the hell does it seem like you don’t care about black lives?

ALSO Also, this kind of sets off my racist radar.

2. “Trump Supporter”

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HOW?!?!? No…seriously, how? How does this even make sense?  Not only is he a dumb, misogynistic asshole of a person, Donald Trump represents a party that definitely has issue with the LGBTQ community. Even if he doesn’t have a problem with LGBTQ people, the fact that both, you and he supports a party that shows constant hate against our community makes me sad.  You’re LGBTQ…come on…

3. “Young Professional”

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You’re damn near 35. Drop the “young”. Half of your colleague workforce is probably younger than yourself.  Also, there are more ways to be vague about what you do on a day to day basis.  I’m starting to have more respect for the “Self-employed” crowd. (That’s a whole other rant there) Actually…

4. People who put “Self-employed” on their profile but don’t explain what that really means.

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For all I know, you’re a drug dealer and I don’t have time for this.  Or you’re unemployed and just don’t want to seem like a failure.  Or you’re just now on a new venture and quit your job of 20 years because you got tired of it, but don’t really have a business plan of where you’re going.  How hard is it to say “Owner of _______”.  That will get a Right Swipe in a heartbeat if it sounds reasonable.

5. Any phrase describing how “masc” you are and how you only like “masc” guys.

Nobody needs your self-hating, divisive attitude around here.  We all have preferences, but don’t be out here judging a book by it’s cover.

6. Pictures of everything but your face.

I mean…obviously

7. Any hint at the fact that you THOROUGHLY enjoy the gym more than eating (Loving them equally is OK though).

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I know gym heads like to eat, but for the type that likes to eat chicken. Bland chicken. For every meal. The same way. Every day. For ever and ever. AMEN. Gots ta go.

I have nothing against the gym-heads though.  I used to be addicted to the gym, but I just have a problem when people start to judge me for not going.  Yes, I know I could probably use it, but let me “live my best life” ok?.

8. “I don’t like filling these out” or “I never know what to say here”

AKA, I’m boring.

Honestly, this wasn’t a problem before I started “The Tinder Experiment” but adding this to my rules actually helped me avoid a bunch of fuckboys. ESPECIALLY if you have 5 photos and your Instagram linked and all of your Spotify songs selected. Just saying.  No “About Me” basically means that you don’t know what you’re looking for or you’re just too lazy to fill it out. Which again, confuses me if you fall into the category of having EVERYTHING linked to your profile.  It’s just bad.

If you’re just trying to hook up, say it.  If you’re bored, say it. If you don’t know what you’re doing here, say it.  A blank profile means nothing and as a result, will get nothing in return.  There’s plenty of pretty faces out there on Tinder that would love to share a bit about themselves.

9. Having an obviously fake name, or some ridiculous nickname on your profile

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If I can’t at least find you on Facebook with your “name”, it’s going to be a no from me.

 

10. All of your profile pics are group pics of you and your friends and family

I’m just going to think you’re the ugliest one in the pic. Plain and simple. And then you have the nerve to link your instagram, and your IG profile pic is some nature scene, and all of your pics are group pics in there as well.  Obviously I could go through the process of elimination and eventually narrow you down, but who wants to do all that work.

If you’re ugly, work that shit. Be ugly confident!
/Rant

 

What are some things that will certainly earn a “Left Swipe” for you?

“Hey, Stranger” Season

As the weather tries to get cooler (we are struggling here in NC for some reason), as the colors on the leaves change to their beautiful oranges and golds, and as Christmas music and decorations seem to have exploded onto the shelves and radio stations, I have been quickly reminded that “hey, stranger” season has arrived as well. 

Like ghosts of semi relationships past, i have received four “hey, stranger” text or direct messages this week. Actually five but one was from an actual friend just checking in so I don’t hold it against him. 


So what is a “hey, stranger” text you ask? Well first off, if you have to ask, consider yourself blessed since you’ve never received one! Side note before we get started, if Ruby Rose ever sent me a “hey, stranger” text any advice or thoughts that follow this sentence go out the window! So back to the matter at hand. A “hey, stranger” text is any message you get randomly  from any person you may have once been even the slightest bit interested in whether romantically or otherwise but for what ever reason it didn’t work out. Maybe they ran off and found someone else and got married. Maybe they ghosted you only to pop up now because they realize you’re amazing. Maybe they are currently married and failed to mention that before flirting with you. Maybe they snored so bad you slept in your car the last time you saw them and for that and several other reasons it would never work but now that they are getting old they realize they were an idiot and want to try again. Maybe these are true stories, maybe they aren’t. Either way, these relationships, or semi-relationships, did not work out for one reason or another but for some reason as the whether changes so do peoples feelings and memories so they think it’s a good idea to contact you out of the blue. 


And that’s the issue. It’s totally random and out of the blue. You’ve been minding your business for weeks, months, years and they’ve decided that’s a good indicator that you want to hear from them. 


If you’re anything like me a few things happen when the text appears or  the DM comes through. 1. You are slightly confused as to who the person is because you have either deleted their number or erased them from your memory. 2. An epic battle takes place between being a bitch or politely telling them to go back from whence they came. 


If you’re also like me you usually try to politely tell them to go away which always ends badly. They don’t understand politeness. They see it as weakness and they still try to sneak in. So then you ultimately have to be a bitch anyways to get them to go away. 


So I’ve written this as a warning. To my kindred spirits who find that each year as cuffin’ season approaches you receive an onslaught of unwanted “hey, stranger” text, I say to you: stay strong! It’s not worth it! They will disappear as quickly as they came once it starts to warm up again. You deserve better. You are better. Say it like a mantra every morning in the mirror until you believe it if you don’t. 


And for those of you who are considering sending a “hey, stranger” text. 


You had your chance. You blew it. It’s okay. We most likely aren’t mad (or maybe we are so consider that before texting) but we don’t want to hear from you. Go find someone new and live your best life, just leave us out of it!!!! 



I don’t know how else to say it. People who send any version of the “hey, stranger” text are some of the worst kind of people.