I Want to be With you Shooting in the Gym

Let’s get one thing out of the way, I can’t play basketball. So if you take that title seriously, you will be really disappointed when we actually go to the gym or basketball court and I suck. But I’ll go. We just won’t actually be playing. Anywho!

Let’s start here though. If someone, anyone, a fairy godmother or Jesus himself, had told me at any point in my life that I would one day be 30, single, and living with my parents I would have laughed hysterically in their face!! I don’t know anyone who grows up thinking yes, that’s the life I want. One of perpetual singleness and no one to share life’s highs and lows with. I feel like we are fed, from a very young age, wether it’s by Disney movies, our parents, friends, family, television, music, I don’t know, but the plan that is always handed out is, grow up, find a job, get a partner, get married, live happily ever after. Heck, even the old board game “Life” had a check point where you got married. You had to. There was no option to say “nah. I’ll pass. I’ll do this thing alone.” So clearly this was how things were supposed to go. At some point in time, somehow, somewhere, I was just supposed to be handed a husband and we would do this thing together.

Not.

And clearly I have done some things a little non traditional. I have a daughter. She’s amazing. I would not change the time that I had her for anything in the world. Even a husband. We are a package deal if anyone ever does show up. I may have made myself undateable by some men’s standards due to my education, my career, or my salary. Those men are clearly not for me. I don’t know. Whatever I’ve done to contribute to my perpetual singledom, I’ve done a tremendous job.

But still. I don’t think it’s just me. In my adventures into the land of dating I have come across this phenomenon at an alarming consistency. There are a group of people out there (my experience has only been with men but I imagine women are saying the same thing) that want to be 100% put together before they get into a serious committed relationship. They want to be settled in their career, financially stable, own a home and three cars, their own business and this whole list of other things, before they can consider adding a partner to that mix.

And here’s the thing. It makes sense, on paper. It looks good, in theory. But in reality not so much. It makes sense that you would need to be completely consumed by your work and career to get to that place and that a relationship may distract you. But the thing is. These people are still out there dating and running into unsuspecting women like me who want to do both. Who want to build this life but do it with someone. Not alone.

I am blessed in that my parents are still together. And today, they are pretty well off. Not wealthy by any means but the struggle is definitely over. My dad likes to leave his pay stubs laying around so that I “accidentally” see what he brings home every two weeks. Clearly I have chosen the wrong path in life! And my mom can channel her inner Ebenezer Scrooge and save some money pennies like a pro.

But it has not always been that way. They often tell me stories of supporting a family of 4 off of an $800 a month military salary. Buying a large pack of chicken and making it last a week. Eating out three times a year and one time going out with friends and ordering the cheapest thing they could find because they didn’t know how they were going to pay for it. My sister used to go with my dad to the car wash and go around picking up change off the ground so that she could get a piece of candy and he could get a drink at the gas station when they were done. The struggle was real people!!! But here’s the thing, as a young child during those days…you couldn’t tell me we weren’t living the good life! I was very much aware that the bouncy horse in my room came from the dumpster (which is part of the reason why I don’t understand all this hype about people being sad Toy-R-Us is closing. What is that place? It’s actually real?!?) I thought this was amazing. My toy box was a large moving box. But it was awesome because me and my sister could fit in it and have enough room to play with the toys. The struggle was real but life was good because we had each other. Now I know that’s a very glossed over version of the actual story but you get the point.

My parents relationship is by no means perfect. I have witnessed them fuss and fight and struggle first hand. But I’m truly convinced that it is in the struggle and the fight and working TOGETHER that builds the strength for a marriage, a relationship, a family to last.

So I fully get when drake said “You wasn’t with me shooting in the gym,” and when people reference this as a way to say don’t expect to live off my success if you weren’t there to help me build it. My question is, why are so many people afraid to even allow someone in the gym with them to shoot in the first place?

I think we create a very weird and fragile situation when we wait to be “perfect” or “good” before looking for a partner, because then at the slightest sign of trouble we are ready to let it all go because we don’t want them to mess up everything we’ve built. Because it’s all mine. Not there’s. Not ours. They didn’t help. They weren’t here in the beginning so I’m not going to allow them to benefit from or destroy the ending. And to me it just sounds lonely.

So again, here I sit, several months into the dreaded 30. It’s not been so bad. I got a new job. A pay raise. But I’m just seriously confused and frustrated by the fact that I am actually contemplating stepping out on my own, saving to a buy a home, having a solid career, being a decent woman with some pretty useful skills, and having all this love and support to give but no one wants it. I would not have believed anyone if they told me this 10 years, 5 years, even a year ago but alas here I am.

To all the men I’ve come across with this mentality, I hope it works out and I wish you the best. To the few people out there who may not have this mentality, if we cross paths, and it goes well and maybe it works out… let me in coach! I’m ready to play…but again… I suck at actual basketball so please be sure you fully understand this entire metaphor!

Advertisements

If you’re going to shoot your shot…please actually shoot it!

Maybe I’m getting way too old for this shit.

Maybe my tolerance for bullshit has reached an all time low.

Maybe I hit 30 and just decided that life is too damn short to sit around waiting on some other person to decide I’m good enough.

I don’t know

What I do know is my attitude when it comes to potential relationships and someone not wanting me has gone from this

To this

(There was a Facebook video that had these two together but I couldn’t figure out how to get it here.)

There are two major reasons that this has taken place

First.

I have spent entirely too much time in my life upset that someone did not want me. Let’s say I’ve been interested in dating and relationships since I was about 12. That means I have spent 18 years…over half of my life…trying to figure out why “no one wants me.” This has legit been the dialogue I have been having in my head on a daily basis. Why does no one want me? Why am I so undateable? Why have I never been asked to a dance (I realized this one today as I took my daughter to buy an outfit for the dance and she talked about her and her friend going together. Shout out to best friends who go to dances with you when no one asks you to go with them!)? Why have I been asked on very few actual dates? Why do guys get mad when they ask for nudes and you say no and then they try to make you seem crazy? Why am I single? Why did I not forward that chain letter in 5th grade that clearly stated I would be single forever if I didn’t forward it? Why? Why? Why?

What’s wrong with me?

The truth is, this train wreck of a thought process had me in the shower looking just like this the other day:

But, even with this recent moment of frustration, I have realized something since then.

My bounce back ability has grown exponentially over the years. Back in the day I would spend days, if not weeks, miserable and sad because someone decided they didn’t want anything to do with me. Or I wasn’t worth it. Over these last 18 years that has changed.

That ugly shower sob lasted maybe 10 minutes. After a good night’s sleep, I’ve been pretty solid ever since. Do I still think about the situation? Yep. Have I wanted to blog about it and cuss all of the male population out? Yep. Have I considered just finding a girlfriend and telling men they lost their chance? Daily. But the miserable, constant dwelling on it, and blaming my self for it all has definitely not been as intense as it normally is. I’ve been proud of myself.

Y’all. Loving yourself is hard. Anyone who tells you different is a bold face liar.

Anywho. So yea. That’s reason number one why my attitude has changed. Growth, progress and channeling my inner Cardi B

Second, and the reason for the title of this random post.

I have zero time for people shooting half as shots then being salty later on when their shot didn’t make it in!!

So I know that’s kind of the exact opposite of my earlier negative self talk trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Do guys attempt to talk to me? Occasionally. Do they try very hard? No. Do I usually respond when a guy does put in a moderate amount of effort? Yes. Do those guys usually end up being narcissistic ass holes ? Hell yes. Then do those other guys show up salty a few weeks later trying to tell me it’s my fault I keep getting hurt because I never gave them a chance but then again they don’t actually step up and shoot the damn shot?

I can’t count the number of times this happens. And by the same people over and over. Or by random people. Always me. And they tell me I’m still single because I’m too picky, or my standards are too high, or they hint and say “you never know. Maybe he’s right under your nose and you just keep over looking him.”

Anyways. Here’s my suggestion. If you are going to shoot your shot. SHOOT YOUR DAMN SHOT. I really wish I could make some really cool basketball references here but I can’t. But basically actually step up to the damn line, position your self accordingly and shoot the shot. Make it the best shot you have ever taken in your entire life.

And you know what. If you don’t make it, at least you know you gave it an actual try. And then you can tellme that I’m a terrible person, with standards that are too high, and a terribly misconstrued fairy tale idea of what love and life should be like. Then you can sit back and laugh the next time I’m heart broken and posting cryptic Facebook statuses about hating all people. But until then. Keep sitting on the bench and pouting. And leave me alone.

I don’t know how long this mindset will last. Next week I may be sad again. Or next month I may get swept away by another charming narcissist. Or this could very well be my new way of thinking for the next decade. We will all have to wait and see. But what I do know is I will continue to be way to old for this shit. And my tolerance for the bull shit will continue to be very very low.

And you will never have a chance if you don’t shoot your shot!