“Love, Simon” is me, as well as others…

Contains possible spoilers about ‘Love, Simon’…

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I saw ‘Love, Simon‘ a few weeks ago at an advance screening here in Charlotte. I loved the movie.  Particularly, because just like Black Panther, it was something that I identified with and was able to see it in a major fashion, in a normal theater, around everyday people.  Not on Netflix, alone, buried in the depths of hell where you have to know a special cheat code in order to unlock it (OK, that was dramatic, but we all know there aren’t many mainstream movies about the LGBTQ life).

The movie, as great as it was because of the representation, did fall a little short on the “spectacular” meter overall, but that’s fine.  I didn’t need amazement, or some over-the-top fanticization (made up word) about being a closeted gay kid in high school who didn’t know how to be himself towards others. It was a truthful, heart-felt movie that resonated within the audience. Especially myself.

I can’t imagine how many times I’ve felt the same was a Simon, the movie’s title character, during high school and college.  Kind of wanting to be out there, but not really knowing how (only I covered it up for most of that time).  Simon, fortunately, was more comfortable with himself at this point of time in the movie than I was back in the day, but he just didn’t really know how to live his truth out. He more so just really didn’t understand why he actually NEEDED to come out.  Like, why is it a thing? Even in the movie there was this montage about his friends coming out to his parents as straight. I’ve felt this exact way multiple times, and until this past October when I wrote my post Happy National Coming Out Day, I never really felt the need to do so.

But looking back, I wish I had…

“Who you are to the world is pretty terrifying because what if the world doesn’t like you?”

“Who you are to the world is pretty terrifying because what if the world doesn’t like you?”  This is literally the single most best quote that sums up how I felt growing up.  High School was intense and you just wanted to be liked and not ridiculed.  It didn’t help that I was probably already a little weird to the “non-cool” kids and I just kind of sort of fit in.  I was so terrified to even explore who I was in that realm because, 1. I denied the hell out of it, and 2. I did that because I was scared of how I would be looked at. But you all already know that from my other posts, I won’t go into detail here.

Simon, kind of the lone wolf in his own mind, was able to explore a little part of himself once another kid from his school decided to anonymously post a message about being a closeted gay kid on the schools message board.  Simon decided to message him and open up to him anonymously as well about being just like him. Simon was finally able to be himself, and explore a feeling that’s he’s had for a long long time.  Over the course of the next few days they messaged each other back and forth and eventually became very fond of one another.  It was sweet, beautiful, even.

Since Simon’s admirer was anonymous, Simon had to live out his love stories within his imagination.  I can’t even count how many times I’ve thought that some guy who wasn’t remotely interested in me was, and it felt weird.  It was like these “unnatural” thoughts were going through my head and I just never really felt comfortable doing that.  This movie normalized that for me.  Straight people do it all the time, why can I?  “I’m done living in a world where I don’t get to be who I am. I deserve a great love story and I want someone to share it with.”

“I’m done living in a world where I don’t get to be who I am. I deserve a great love story and I want someone to share it with.”

And this is when I knew enough was enough.  Simon captured this sentiment so well and it truly resonated with me.  I was tired of hating myself for wanting to love who I wanted to love.  Was I any less deserving?

Obviously, the answer is No…

So at that time, I was tired of suffocating.  As Simon’s mom had said, “These last years, it’s almost like I can feel you holding your breath,” (I held my breath for sooooooo long) “You are still you”. As I’ve stated before so many times,  I’ve realized that I’m still the same person, gay or straight, and if anybody else didn’t realize it, then that was their fault.  When I told my mom, there was a clear sense of sadness(?) (for lack of a better word) but she also shared these same sentiments. And I knew at that time everything would be OK (I may have shed a tear or two at this point…I might be shedding one right now, lol).

“These last years, it’s almost like I can feel you holding your breath. You are still you, Simon”

One of the lower points in the movie, Simon is outed by this guy who was blackmailing him (I won’t go into details) and this caused a lot of loneliness for Simon, due to some fucked up shit he caused in the first place and this is something a lot of young gay men and women have to deal with.  Speaking from a personal standpoint, I’ve been outed plenty of times and I’ve also outed some people myself (which I’m super not proud of at all).  But another quote that stood out from the movie was “I’m supposed to be the one that decides when and how and who knows, and how I get to say it, that’s supposed to be my thing!”. And he’s right.  No one should take that away from anyone who wants to make that decision.  However, Simon stood his ground and regained control of his “coming out” story even though it was already made and at that point, he realized that he was no longer afraid.

“I’m supposed to be the one that decides when and how and who knows, and how I get to say it, that’s supposed to be my thing!”

So Simon gets to live his truth, and in the end is able to encourage his anonymous love interest to live his as well.  There were some rocky/inspiring/emotional parts in getting to this point, but I really didn’t want to give a review of the movie itself, but I just wanted to describe why I feel that this movie was important to me.  I hope it inspires a new generation to be who they are, and inspire others to accept people for who they are.  Regardless of race, religion, color, creed, and sexual orientation.

I highly suggest you go and see this movie.  You will enjoy it.  You will cry. You will smile. You will get angry.  You will lose all hope in humanity. You will gain it back. Your heart will be full.

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Just “Regular” Black

Often, the first things people notice about me are my  face full of freckles (that seem to take over my body the older I get) and my greenish eyes. It’s particularly jarring an noticeable to people because I’m just “regular” Black. 100% Black, nothing else and 100% proud.

Growing up, people constantly asked me “what was I?” Or complimented me on how I looked like a “white woman” or at the very least mixed. As I got older, redbone was the compliment of choice by men, who were always fascinated by my “exoticism” and wanted to know if my mother or father was white. Family members also often told me that I looked mixed, if only my hair was a silkier (My hair is the give away. In its natural state, it is a beautiful kinky, jet black, ball of wool – nothing European about it.). And as I got into weaves and wigs, this was even further solidified. I grew up thinking being Black wasn’t good enough, that it was a good thing to be lighter skinned, asked “what are you?” and to be mistaken as only half negro. Although I didn’t necessarily see it as better to me, I realized that it was compliment in the world I grew up in. And so I allowed it to happen, smiling sheepishly as I responded (gross).

After constantly being asked this question though, I began to get annoyed, quickly. I became confused every time someone’s face fell when they learned I was just “regular” Black. As I learned more about paper bag tests, and doll experiments, and well, colorism in general, I grew angry. When I realized my fellow sister friends with beautiful skin were often disregarded, felt inferior, and men trashed them, I was disgusted. And when my own siblings told me about hatred for their  darker skin and wishing they had mine, I felt incredibly sad and heartbroken. And then I realized that in a very complicated world of color and race, in some ways, I have privilege. And in other ways, I’m very much the victim of racism. And that either way, I had to shift my thinking and what I allowed others to say or do around me.

And so began my bitchy remarks to those who questioned my ethnicity. “I’m Black mixed with Black,” I replied before it was a popular t-shirt. “Redbone isn’t a compliment to me, and I’m actually offended that you would insult my fellow sisters like that,”  I replied every single time a man would send me a message complimenting me on my light skin and how he prefers that.  I try my best to affirm others about their beauty and advocating when I can for others when I can. I intentionally use a rainbow of shades in my presentations. I remind people that being multiracial is wonderful, but simply being Black is wonderful too.  Most importantly for my own self, I will not accept any compliment that is about how exotic or “other” someone finds me.

I’ve also learned that my skin color comes with down sides too. Many people think I’m a “safer” type of Black, and are surprised and annoyed that I’m afrocentric and speak about racism often. Men expect me to be a little less opinionated. I’m “pretty for a Black girl” in some white spaces. I’m sometimes stereotyped as stuck up, not down, or self-centered. I work hard to disprove these things, but I try to not get caught up in that, because I know for every time those annoyances happen, a darker skinned woman is denied a job, a relationship (you don’t need him or her though honey, you too good for that), stereotyped,  “pretty for a dark skinned woman” or humiliated. I’m so sorry you go through that. I’m so sorry if I have ever been part of that problem. Please know that I stand by your side and am an ally today.

I cannot change the color of my skin or eyes. I love my freckles.  However, what I can do is claim my Blackness, never back down or allow slick shit  people say to slide, and be an active participant in dismantling colorism in our community.

So to answer your question,  I’m 100% Black queen goddess mixed with Black strength. That’s it. Just you know, “regular” Black.

146 Reasons Why You Should Most Definitely Date Me

Of course I had to do a counter-post to my previous list of 153 reasons why you probably shouldn’t date me. As I went through I realized a few of the items on the other list were redundant. But any-who, here you have 146 reasons why you should absolutely, positively, most definitely, without a doubt date me! I’m trying to tell y’all. I’m kind of awesome!

1. I’m not perfect. As a result I won’t expect you to be either. I will understand if you mess up (within reason. No cheating allowed) and as long as you show remorse and that you really are working on it. I’m cool with that.

2. I don’t really like to argue. Definitely not screaming yelling matches. But even minor disagreements. I know they will happen. But if they can happen without yelling, screaming and tire slashing…I’m all for that.

3. I have pretty awesome hair. Sometimes I wear it straight and feel super fierce and you can run your fingers through it. Most of the time I wear it curly and it’s big and beautiful and you’ll want to touch it. I’ll let you because you’re my boo.

4. People have said I have pretty feet. I keep them done regularly so if you have a thing for feet that’s good.

5. While I don’t do foot rubs, I will gladly offer up a good back or shoulder rub.

6. We can totally go get pedicures together. I would find that to be a really great date.

7. I don’t expect you to pay for me to get my nails done. I very rarely have fake nails but when I do, I can pay for them. If you wanted to, I would struggle to let you unless you insisted.

8. I smell like coconut!!! Legit. My hair products, my lotion, my body wash..all coconut. I’m like a walking tropical island with a pina colada.

9. I have a great support system outside of you. While I’ll definitely talk to you about my problems or concerns I don’t expect you to fix them. If you aren’t readily available I won’t have a meltdown.

10. I will gush about you to my friends and family. I will struggle not to tell them every simple, sweet, wonderful thing you do. If you are amazing, they will know.

11. I’m really close to my parents. I love them and they are my favorite, but they do want me to have a life outside of them and the house. They are permanent babysitters with zero concern about it if we go out.

12. I make a decent living. Not rich but my bills get paid on time. If your bae, I don’t mind treating you to a nice night. Together we would probably have a decent life as long as you make more than minimum wage.

13. I have a daughter. She tells me I’m a pretty good mom. I’m sure I could do better. If we had children I would be a pretty good mom to those kids too. I love babies.

14. I’m not a Virgin! I mean if you’re lookin for a Virgin this isn’t going to work but if you don’t care about that kind of things we might have decent sex.

15. I probably won’t judge you on your number count. I mean if it’s like 1000 I will question your mental stability and it probably won’t work out. But if it’s a pretty normal number I won’t care. That’s actually not a question I ever care about asking.

16. I like to sleep.

17. We can take naps together and I will consider this quality time spent together.

18. If you like thighs. I’ve got thighs for days.

19. I’ll understand if you aren’t a big fan of the gym.

20. I don’t expect you to be a perfectionist.

21. If you propose, our wedding planning may or may not be already completed as long as you like my style. But if you proposed because you love me you’ll probably like my style.

22. Why would you not want a wedding with hints of Harry Potter?

23. I love Harry Potter. This honestly gives you an endless supply of gift ideas for any occasion.

24. I will leave you alone while you watch sports if that’s what you want. Or I’ll grab a book and read next to you while you watch. Or if you want to try explaining it to me I will listen. I’ll also make you wings.

25. I make a pretty good hot wing among many other food and desert related items.

26. I’m not stupid. You should like that unless you just like dating stupid women. Whatever floats your boat there.

27. I have my masters degree. You can brag about that to your coworkers.

28. I pick up on little details in conversations and daily living. I like to do little things to show you I care even if you haven’t flat out said you like or need something. I’ll see it. (Sometimes)

29. I will get you Valentine’s gifts. We can definitely show each other that we love each other all year round, but we can also do fun things on Valentine’s too!

30. While I’m not a fan of combined birthday and Christmas presents I’m used to them. I’ll playfully give you a hard time about it but I won’t be mad.

31. I like reading. I won’t force you to If you don’t like too but if you do that’s great. Books are awesome.

32. I blog! That means you get a first hand look into what’s going on in my head without even having to ask!

33. I will write about you in my blog! Especially if it works out or you make me really happy!

34. I won’t send random nudes to random people. If you can appreciate this you are my kind of person.

35. I’ve got lots of curves, good for cuddling, hugging and napping on. Pick a thigh, butt cheek or fluffy tummy space and rest your weary head.

36. Sometimes I get dressed up and fancy and turn a few heads.

37. I have good hygiene. I don’t like smelling bad. I don’t wear perfume and no one tells me I stink so I think I just naturally smell good.

38. I’m very passionate about my job and enjoy what I do. I’ll have lots of entertaining stories for

39. I’m a good listener.

40. I don’t really offer a lot of advice because I assume people are naturally smart and know how to live their life better than I do. But if I do offer advice it will be well thought out and hopefully helpful.

41. I’m not a fan of the silent treatment. So I probably won’t do that if we argue. Some time to step away and calm down, sure, but not ignoring calls or texts. Let’s talk this out and get to the making up!

42. I’m not a grammar nazi

43. You can pick on my grammar. I don’t care

44. You can help me with math so you can feel smarter than me there

45. I won’t judge you if your bed isn’t made. Just change the sheets regularly.

46. I make pretty babies. I also had a pretty easy pregnancy the first go around so if the next time goes the same it should be pretty stress free for you.

47. I shed a lot in the shower but not anywhere else. So you won’t find random hairs all over the place.

48. When slightly intoxicated I don’t care what I look like when I dance. So you may find that entertaining. I also have random dance parties in the kitchen when I’m cooking. You can join.

49. Sometimes I sing to annoy my daughter. It’s usually old Mariah Carey songs. Or other 90’s R&B

50. Once I’m comfortable around you, and I start singing and dancing you will have an endless supply of entertainment.

51. Once I feel safe and comfortable around you, you may wish I no longer was but it’ll still be fun. That’s the point right. To find someone you can be 100% yourself around.

52. I will not get shitfaced in public. You will not have to drag me out of anywhere drunk.

53. When my friends and I go out for margaritas and movies, you should definitely go do something with your friends. See ya later babe!

54. I love to travel. We can start a travel bucket list and do all the things.

55. I won’t make fun of you for having boogers. Boogers are natural. I’ll get you a tissue

56. I will take care of you when you have the man-flu. I’m a nurterer to my core.

57. I’m a great little spoon.

58. I don’t mind wearing ear plugs if you snore.

59. I like to joke and flirt. Not so much like full on shit talk though.

60. I’ll willingly let you drive everywhere!

61. Women are hot but we won’t have a threesome (not sure if you’ll find that to be a plus or not)

62. I am super open and accepting of most things and people. Do you boo just don’t hurt or kill anyone.

63. Not going to lie. I appreciate traditional gender roles at times.

64. I love black people!

65. My mom is white and she’s the most awesome white woman you will ever meet.

66. I won’t cuss at you. Like cuss you out. I don’t appreciate it happening to me so I don’t do it.

67. I will pray for you. I already am.

68. God is good all the time and all the time God is good. I try to remember this and live life accordingly and engage with people accordingly. But I’m not perfect.

69. I will go to church with you.

70. I approach people with the idea that all people are inherently good. I will believe you are good and trustworthy unless you prove me wrong.

71. The idea of being in a committed relationship with a man at the head of that relationship most days gives me hope. I may be feisty and fiery but I will submit and follow if I believe in the direction we are going. I will be the best rib you have ever found.

72. I believe in work and putting in work to make a relationship work.

73. I think a lot and try to see if there are areas I need to work on without someone else pointing it out.

74. I am not a vengeful person. I’m not usually interested in revenge.

75. I am not a picky eater. My foods I don’t eat list includes canned asparagus and liver if it’s not cooked right. So you can pretty much take me anywhere and I’ll be happy.

76. If you pay for the food, I will not waste it

77. If something is chasing us it will probably get me first because I can’t run.

78. You can make fun of my heavy breathing. I don’t care.

79. You can make fun of my hard blinking. I don’t care.

80. Growing up in the military instilled a love for travel and culture and diversity.

81. I am excited to have more kids one day within a loving and committed relationship/Home

82. My pettiness is usually not directed at people I love.

83. I have tried to learn something from each relationship I have been in no matter how short or long it was.

84. I will be honest with you

85. I won’t expect you to be near me 24/7

86. I will hold you to standards. I will encourage and support you in whatever goals you have set for yourself (unless it’s goals like sleep with a thousand women).

87. I will respect you

88. I will be faithful

89. I will consider your feelings in almost everything I do.

90. I will be kind to you

91. I’m not a hoe

92. I won’t have you out here looking stupid

93. I will try my best to keep my word.

94. I will go out with you!! And sometimes I will pay too!

95. I will tell you the truth

96. I will be mindful of your feelings and not say things to be intentionally cruel.

97. I will treat you like a man

98. I won’t hit you

99. While I’m quiet I think I can hold a decent conversation about more than the weather. I’m kind of funny sometimes too. Unless really mad I don’t yell. I won’t cuss you out.

100. I obey the law. There is very little chance you will ever have to bail me out of jail.

101. I drink responsibly.

102. I will try with everything in my being to understand you and not assume I know you.

103. I will mess up. But what’s life without a few good stories to tell.

104. You won’t have to stop me from fighting in public.

105. My taste in music is super varied. Chances are I like whatever you like. If not I can be easily convinced.

106. I won’t judge you for liking “bad” music.

107. You can teach me all the cool kid things. I won’t be good at it but it’ll give you a good laugh.

108. If your black, you can teach me all the cool black people stuff.

109. I won’t judge you if you like coffee.

110. I won’t send you hey stranger texts. Actually, if it doesn’t work out, you don’t have to worry about me contacting you. I will pretty much disappear and I will definitely leave you alone.

111. I think tattoos are cool.

112. I will listen to all your tattoo stories with extreme interest.

113. I will understand if sometimes you obsess over things. Even if I don’t understand the thing.

114. We can try new things together. Food, activities, outings. Whatever. New is fun. Or you can teach me new things. That’s fun too.

115. I understand that people change. Growth is good.

116. I will pay attention to you. I text back super fast. If I don’t I’m either working or asleep. But usually I text back super fast.

117. I’m usually not super busy so we can do things as long as I have some advance notice to plan.

118. Im easily pleased. I don’t need lots of fancy things.

119. We can do creative things together. Painting classes. Painting pottery. I’m crafty! Need something created, I’m your girl!

120. Sometimes I might surprise you.

121. If you choose to leave by way of cheating and finding someone else before you leave me. I probably won’t flip out. I will be sad and hurt. I won’t key your car or try to kill you. I won’t show up and fight the girl. I will willingly concede and walk away.

122. I’m not a nag (well not much).

123. My guy friends are awesome. You might like them.

124. I’m not the jealous type as long as things don’t feel suspicious and you are honest. Communication and openness goes a long way.

125. I will understand if past relationships have you wary about ours. We can work on that together.

126. There’s still a lot of me to learn and discover!

127. I won’t judge you if you like things that aren’t the norm or technically cool by other people’s standards.

128. I’m tall!

129. Self care is important to me so I will totally encourage you to have your own self care routines.

130. I have a theory about short men after years of research with tall men. So I’m not opposed at all.

131. Guys don’t talk to me in public for the most part because I’m apparently intimidating. So you don’t have to worry about that if I go out without you.

132. They really don’t talk to me if I have my resting bitch face on. So I can always just do that.

133. My period is super predictable. Give me peanut m&m’s the week before and I’ll love you forever.

134. I appreciate constructive feedback at times.

135. I like to joke

136. I appreciate sarcasm.

137. I will laugh at you and with you.

138. My social media posts are entertaining.

139. I don’t think I ask for too much.

140. I won’t nag you with questions.

141. I like watching tv. We can binge watch things together.

142. I give lots of chances

143. I will not judge your past life. Unless you were a serial killer or rapist.

144. We can go to the movies and I will be super happy!

145. I have had one guy open a car door for me in order for me to get out of the car. That’s awkward. Don’t do that. Unless you want. You can open doors though. I won’t judge you if you don’t. I appreciate chivalry and common male niceness

146. I have a passport. We can travel the world together!

Pet Peeves (Issa Rant)

This is a non-comprehensive list of the things that literally piss me off on a daily basis.  If you are my friend and are guilty of any of these, I am judging you internally.  HARD. 

People who walk up to you when you’re clearly listening to music with headphones on and start talking.

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People who have no sense of awareness of other people when shopping in a grocery store. (Move bitch, Get out da way!)

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People who don’t have their payment method ready before the cashier tells them their total.

Drivers that come to a complete stop to merge onto highway traffic and don’t understand the “Zipper Method”. (Pull all the way up!)

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People already on the highway who merge into the far right lane, when there are cars merging into the highway from the on-ramp.

People who block the intersections knowing good and damn well they weren’t going to make that light in the first place.

Slow drivers in the left lane on the highway

Asking “Can you make this public?” on Facebook

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People who travel through my neighborhood to cut through traffic.

These same people who get mad at me for walking my dog in the middle of the road.

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“Mines”, not to be confused with “Mine’s”

“Minus Well”

“Mine as well” not to be confused with “Mine, as well”

“Mind as well”

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GoFundMe pages for birthdays, financial assistance, or just any general reason that makes no sense.

People who don’t read or listen to comprehend things and end up asking questions that have been answered already.

MLM schemes such as “You Should Be Here”.

Misspelled words in regularly circulated memes.

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Vague Facebook statuses. 

The people who ask “what happened” on aforementioned vague Facebook statuses. 

and

Internet Explorer

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I think I’m over white men…

I’ve been known to only talk to white guys. Not because I only like white guys, but for some reason my attraction just always flowed that way…. But…

I think it’s happened y’all…

It’s happened. My attraction to the Caucasian race has subsided.

It feels like it happened overnight…

How?

Well, let’s start from the beginning…

So my preference in men has never really been that picky. It’s mostly been just genuinely nice, good looking, (mostly white) guys who are about the culture. And what I mean by that is that they are for black people. They know that black lives matter. They understand their privilege. They aren’t there to satisfy some freaky fetish. They are truly into us.

And some people probably think that I’d never talk to a black man. I mean…before this recent stint, I’ve talked to 0 black men seriously and maybe messed around with not even enough to count on my right hand.

I had a type… obviously. So what changed?

I don’t really know to be honest. On Tinder or Bumble, I’ll come across a profile and think to myself, “hmm, another attractive white guy…who’s probably not attracted to me”. Yes, this has been my actual thoughts, because it’s kind of my actual life. I’ve noticed that most of the white men I’ve swiped right on, do not swipe right on me. And I can’t help but wonder why. It’s not like I only post one picture of myself and don’t include any information about myself in my profile. I make decent money and my Instagram is damn interesting!

Like yo, I’m a catch!

I can’t help but feel that most of the white gay population is not here for me, or anyone like me. Unless I had washboard abs with a chiseled chest and sculpted arms. Oh, THEN AND ONLY THEN will my brown skin get me that right swipe. Funny thing is that the same white man that will swipe right on the muscled body black man, would probably swipe right on the average white guy with the dad bod and nothing going for his life.

Why do I feel like I have to have a higher standard to get your right swipe? Is this a thing? 🙄

I’ve become numb to it. Numb to being ignored and swiped by.

Again, I’ve dated white men who were down and showed nothing but love for black skin and they’ve proved it to me extensively. I appreciate them for it. They are there greatest guys. Those are the type of white men I want to date, yes, but those are so few and far in-between and sometimes you just don’t have a romantic connection. It’s not enough to match with 1 out of thirty white men, especially when you’re surrounded by them constantly.

There is a sea of white people that come across my tinder every day, and I would swipe right on a lot, but when I looked at my matches, I only saw beautiful black faces. There’s nothing wrong with this, but when you think about it, it does hurt a little.

At that moment, I had an epiphany; Why am I wasting my time and emotions and expectations on men who want nothing to do with me? Obviously most want nothing to do with me, so why am I mad? I really don’t know, to be honest. But to the ones who are down for me and my people. I love yall. I love my white guys who love my brown skin. I appreciate you and I understand that not all are like this and the ones that are, are jackasses. It just sucks when you feel like you’ve been written off and not dateable because you’re black. Don’t let the ignorance fool you, it’s a real thing.

And no, I’m not upset anymore because I’m not matching with my white Prince Charming. Despite popular belief, I’m pretty sure Prince Charming could be white, black, latino, asian, whatever. I’ve learned to get over it a long time ago and I couldn’t care less if I found him and now when I find him, I won’t be surprised if he shows up with some ethnicity. It just sucks that you aren’t able to connect with someone you are attracted to and you want to get to know them on a deeper level but can’t, because of your skin color.

It’s a Date!

Warning: I have never once claimed that my personal brand of crazy is rational.

Today I did something I have been avoiding for my entire adult life. I took myself to eat, alone, at Olive Garden. Now, I know that sounds silly and it’s just Olive Garden, but for some reason the idea of doing this very thing has been scary and caused my tons of anxiety just thinking about it. I’ve tried to figure out why. And the most logical thing that I can come up with is that for some reason, the idea of taking myself out to eat at a sit down restaurant, pretty much solidified my perpetual singlehood. Again. Not logical. I don’t think this for other people when I see them out to eat alone or my friends when they do it. I actually envy them. But for me, somehow, taking myself out to eat at a fancy restaurant (lol yes Olive Garden is still fancy to me) just somehow meant I had officially accepted my singleness and was the first step to many a single restaurant date. If you are judging me right now please go read the warning again.

So, I went to Olive Garden…and I didn’t die. I don’t know yet if I really enjoyed it but I’m sure I’ll do it again. As I sat there, I thought that the couple on the other side of the room would be what made me most sad but I didn’t really pay them much mind. What did make me a little nostalgic was the table full of old ladies next to me gushing over their one friend’s new hair cut. It reminded me of my friends. It reminded me of Leanna and I’s many cathartic lunch dates at Olive Garden. It made me miss my friends more than it made me yearn for a partner to go to eat with. Though that would still be great.

Prior to all of this I started thinking up a list of potential date ideas. As a single 30 year old woman, I can count of both hands and maybe require the assistance of one set of toes, the number of dates I’ve been on. If I don’t count random meetings at Walmart or parking lots, then I don’t need the toes. So needless to say I’ve had quite some time to think up some really awesome date ideas. Or at least I think they’re awesome.

So here goes:

Dinner and a movie! Duh. The classics are a must. I’m not picky at all. Feed me and take me to a movie and I’m a happy lady. A few variations… movie and then dinner!! Lol just kidding. But there are those fancy theaters uptown where you can eat real food at the movies. Or a double feature where each person picks a movie. Or show up at the movies at a random time and watch the next thing showing.

Book store date. I love reading. If you can suggest a good book you’ll have a piece of my heart. So we go to the bookstore. You pick out a book for me. I pick out one for you. Then we find a nice cozy spot somewhere around town to read. Or we get the same book and read and discuss. This I semi did once but the guy was cheap and ordered his book online and before it arrived we had stopped talking. I still read the book. It was great.

Netflix binge. This is maybe after we’ve been dating for a while. But a good Netflix binge is always nice on a rainy day. And depending on how long we’ve been dating and how serious it is it can totally be an official Netflix and Chill.

A museum. I hear Charlotte has tons of museums. I’ve only ever been to the Museum of the New South. That was once in middle school and twice in high school for prom. So those two don’t count. So let’s go see some cool museum stuff!

Trampoline park. Disclaimer. I like these places but am super out of shape so I can only bounce for like 5 minutes at a time.

Charlotte is always having some sort of festival. Let’s go! Bonus points if it’s a festival about something neither of us knows anything about (or the renaissance festival).

Anywhere but Charlotte! Again, maybe for later on after I’m certain you aren’t a serial killer. But road trips are cool. And it can totally be a random day trip just to try some fancy ice cream in a random town. Let’s just go!

One of those paint classes. Or that pottery painting place. Arts and crafts are fun even if you suck at them. The paint class doesn’t even have to be a couples one because what are we each going to do with half a painting. And if we go at night we can bring wine! Same for this pottery painting place I know of.

Clearly this is not an exhaustive list. There are a million other things that could be done. The most important part is who you’re with and the time spent together. Which has me thinking? Why am I waiting around for someone else to take me on a date and to do these things. Like I said. The most important part is who you’re with, that can be a partner, friends, family or yourself and the time spent together. As long as your having fun and getting to know whoever you are with…IT’S A DATE!!!

So, what are your favorite date ideas?!?!

Update:

I forgot

A comedy show. Doesn’t have to be Katt Williams (but if it was that would be awesome) even a local amateur night could be fun.

A concert. Someone huge or someone just up and coming. There’s always a concert going on. Fun story. A guy once stopped talking to me because I told him that if we went to the Drake concert I would be excited but wouldn’t be like screaming with my hands in the air the whole time. He said that if I wasn’t going to have fun then he wasn’t taking me. He struggled to understand everyone doesn’t show they are having fun the same way. I’ve dated some gems really.

I’m Tired of Myself Not Showing Up and Out for Myself

A few days ago I posted a pic of me in a pink jumpsuit and everyone was kind enough to give me compliments about it out the wazoo. I almost didn’t post it, because I thought I looked ugly and fat. Last week, I posted a post about how my spiritual journey is not what most people expect and my beliefs don’t align with majority of the people I know. I almost didn’t post it because I was fearful of rejection. I am making some major life changes and am doubtful at every turn and tell little people about it because I’m afraid I look stupid or flakey. I set boundaries that are healthy for me and then feel immensely guilty because people don’t agree. I don’t want children because it isn’t for me, but feel constant pressure to explain why, and so I never talk about it, missing out on opportunities to inspire others because I’m worried about others opinions or being seen as less desirable as a romantic partner.

I could go on and on with examples like these. But what I really want, is to never have another example like this in my life. I am beyond done with not showing up and showing out for my own damn life and living it on my terms. My whole job as a therapist is centered around telling others to show up for themselves, why the hell do I not do this for me? I am tired of being bound by shit that has no positive or fulfilling purpose in my life.

My body image has held me back for years. I don’t pursue the men I want, I sometimes don’t wear the clothes I want, I avoid pictures, and I have spent too many days crying over fat rolls, doing only certain exercises to decrease fat, apologizing when I eat a donut, ans comparing myself to beautiful women. Today, I declare myself beautiful, with fat rolls, and worthy. Fuck your beauty standards I’ve internalized. I can be active and overweight and healthy and eat donuts.

I’m tired of playing small in every aspect. I will assert my truth, I will not stop talking about Black things, I will not stop talking about equity, I will not stop when you are uncomfortable, call me an angry Black woman, tell me to be sweeter. I will not stop sharing my ideas. It’s not me to be quiet or small. It’s not my soul. It kills me when I do it. I will not commit soul genocide anymore.

I’m tired of settling. I will go for jobs in my career that invigorate me, challenge me, and call me to step into the leadership position that I am called to be. I won’t be anyone’s entry level anything anymore. I will walk in my strengths humbly, but not self deprecatingly.

I will not settle with men. I deserve what I want. My body will not be used for pleasure unless I say so, and I will not settle for a man that does nothing less than challenges me to be better, loves and cares for me, can hold his own, and also is what I want. No more nice guys with potential, and certainly no more fuck boys here to waste my time. No more half committed, empty words, me chasing you, you being too cool. Stand beside me, be ready to commit, or get to walking. Also, this isn’t only your descision; I actively get to choose. I’d certainly rather be alone than to deal with any BS.

Listen. I’m ready to show up and show out for myself. I am tired of playing it safely and diminishing my light. I am soft and fierce and courageous and change maker and I no longer have a choice but to live up to this. And I’m excited AF.

So please know, I am showing up for myself in a big way and I hope you join me. But if it makes you uncomfortable, IDGAF.