When choosing you is painful but absolutely necessary

Word of advice. Don’t listen to Adele “Love in the Dark” if your life ain’t together. It’ll have you at work, typing notes, trying to sing with a sore throat almost in tears. Or maybe that’s just me. But hey here we are. 

So if you’ve made it this far and got here by clicking on the link on my Facebook page then you are probably already aware of my terrible luck at love. But if you wandered here after reading one of my dear friends’ posts linked on their page, let me fill you in. Long story short: I have terrible luck at love. Even longer story even shorter: recent break up, 9 months (my longest relationship at almost 30), and he walked out leaving me at at Salsaritas. If it wasn’t for their queso and pineapple salsa I would have probably never gone back. 

So. Again. Adele. “Love in the Dark.” Listen to it if you haven’t. Listen again if you have. Cry if you need to. Proceed with this post when done. 

Sometimes choosing yourself is the most painful thing you can do. It is often that way for me. As a hopeless romantic, I long for the day I fall in love (again) and we ride off into the moonlight to start our happily ever after. I often doubt it’s actually meant to be for me but that’s another post for another day. What I have learned about myself in the few relationships I have had is that I will give 110% as soon as I care about you even a little bit. I will bend over backwards and find ways to part the sea if it means making you happy. What I have learned about other people is that this is typically not reciprocated.

So after giving so much of myself for any amount of time, the moment always comes when I have to make the ultimate sacrifice and choose myself. And it always sucks. I always feel like I’m betraying someone even though I’ve just spent any number of days, weeks or months betraying myself. 

Most recently, I spent nine months, miserably loving a man who was convinced I was not as amazing as I was presenting to be. He was scared and so I suffered. I gave, and gave, and gave in hopes that he would believe that I was who I said I was. And yet, he still walked out. No amount of love on my part could have made him stay. That was his stuff. I often took responsibility for his stuff. I do that a lot. 

But as is usually the case, they come back. They always come back. And up until this point in my life I usually took them back. But please refer to my bio. I mean it when I said 29 years and 9 months was the exact age when I became too old for this shit. This shit being not being appreciated, love not being reciprocated and having to be lost before being taken serious. 

So I chose me. I chose me even though it hurt like hell to do so. I chose me even though I could hear the tears in his voice and knew how much it took for him to write the emails. I chose me over the flowers. I chose me over the words. I chose the me I was now over the me I was for nine months. I chose my best life, even if it is a single life, over a life of frustration, fear, and sadness just for love. I chose me as my heart broke for this relationship one last time. And even though there was a very loud voice in my head saying take him back, he means it, it’s really what you want…I still chose me. 

As the days pass so does the pain. The relief I felt was almost instant and my clients and coworkers noticed it even if they didn’t know what it was. Choosing me was painful but necessary and I vow to do it every time the opportunity arises moving forward. Call me selfish, or mean, or tell me I’ve built the biggest wall ever. Who knows. But the way it’s been going, no ones ever chosen me before so if no one else will…I will. 

Not going to lie though, still secretly holding out for the day that someone does choose me and oh will I choose them with all that is in me…we shall see. 
“You have given me something that I can’t live without. You mustn’t underestimate that when you are in doubt. But I don’t want to carry on like everything is fine. The longer we ignore it all the more that we will fight. Please don’t fall apart. I can’t face your breaking heart. I’m trying to be brave. Stop asking me to stay.

I can’t love you in the dark. It feels like we’re oceans apart. There is so much space between us. Maybe we’re already defeated. Ah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah everything changed me. 

We’re not the only ones. I don’t regret a thing. Every word I’ve said. You know I’ll always mean. It is the world to me. That you are in my life. But I want to live and not just survive“- Adele

Pre First Date Thoughts

I just touched up my make up and am heading down 12 floors in an elevator, gonna stop to pass some time, maybe have a shot or something, to take the jitters off… Cause I’m currently less than an hour out from a first date.

Ok. Hold on. People who text and walk in NYC are the absolute worst, can’t walk…

Ok. I’m back in my favorite place to grab an after work caipirinha. Yum. I can feel the alcohol. He made this one well.

So yeah, pre date is kind of the worst. Angsty, nervous, butterflies, and scared as hell that this will be Tinder/Bumble/SoulSwipe/Match/insert other crappy ways to try to meet someone you connect with and can watch movies Sat night til you pass out and brunch with in the morning date #2019749 that goes nowhere (see Malcolm’s earlier post) for details. And so the pre date thoughts begin…

I look down at my toes and wonder why I didn’t paint them… well this was kinda a surprise, and he should know I’m a hot mess anyway.

Wondering if he is as good as he seems or is it bull like all 9374029 times?

Will this be fun? Will he take an interesting turn at the end of the night and be a baby, asshole, demanding, abusive, or weird?

Is this shade of lipstick nice?

What is cachaca anyway? I love this cocktail.

Is he the one?

Stop thinking about if he is the one. Everyone says so. Go with the flow. Be a dead fish in that way. Not ok to think nice guy is the one.

Does he look like his pics?

Hell, do I look like my pics?

Will we kiss? Ladies don’t kiss in the first date. Good thing I’m not a lady.

Is he the one?

STOP STOP STOP. Not allowed to think of people as potential mates. All the latest advice from every single and partnered person, magazine, article, self help book and auntie says so. This is why you fail!!

He wrote a book? Who TF writes a book?

This girl brought her date and her friends and had her dad meet her at this bar? Weird. But cool. My dad would do that.

Ok date. Probably, should take the train now. Damn trains. Better not be late.

This outfit makes me look curvy AF in a good way.

I hope he’s not a serial killer, despite the fact I’ve never met a serial killer on online dating.

He has nice shoulders and arms in his pics. The better to lift you with.Yassssss.

LeAnna, don’t be so lusty. Sheesh.

Malcolm would say be lusty.

Ashley would too.

I hope he calls me after.

Ahhh screw it… is he THE ONE?!?!

Time to go now and face the date!!!

Oh wait. His train is late. Better have another drink and think more thoughts!!

Dating is the worst….Kind of…

Here you are, just out and about, having the time of your life.  Not caring about anything in the world other than yourself, because why? You’re single…..AF!

In the times of the dating apps, where people are doing anything but; you often find yourself bored. Ok, let’s pick up the phone, open up an app, say a few one liners, call someone over and wam, bam, you’re done and you’ve spent no money. Perfect scenario, amirite? Especially if you don’t have to put any work into it either!?!? Bruh, come on. (Sidenote: I’m a top tier advocate for getting it in on a regular basis, just saying. We’re all human. As long as you’re safe, maintaining good sexual health practices!)

And then it happens….One of those “convenient hookups” starts feeling like something more.  You actually talk to them other than when you just need some, and go out in public with each other (which is probably the number 1 indicator this is a “thing”).  Then you start thinking, “Are we dating?”, “Is this serious?”, “Do they like me like that?”.  As soon as those thoughts cross your mind, you automatically open up to feelings and your heart starts to become vulnerable.  This freaks you out because you’ve been through this before and other times it never became anything because again, you just met on a hookup app. “Don’t catch feelings, they don’t feel the same way” constantly runs through your mind. Or maybe you do want to catch feelings. I mean, that’s the point in dating right? Unfortunately, it all becomes a mind game. Trying to figure out your partner’s next move.  “Are they really into you?” is still running through your mind even though you’ve been chilling for weeks.  Their actions say yes, their words say yes, but you still have that little bit of doubt running through your brain.

Luckily for you though, dating is pretty much the bomb at this point.  No effort to get some. Yall both like to eat, and go to the movies together. You got your ride or die. The bond is still new so you know yall on each other like rabbits (lol). You have engaging conversations, and text messages don’t take ten years to be responded to.  You feel wanted, and that’s all anyone needs, right?

And then it happens…

All this time you’ve spent, and then BOOM, they disappear. Who knows for what reason. It “just didn’t work out”, or it was “just a temporary thing”, or “well, I wasn’t really looking for anything serious”, and at this point, you’re back to square 1; Over it, completely.

And this is where the cycle begins again.  You promise yourself, you’ll be single for YEARS (Spoiler: You won’t), and you build those walls that were broken down “one. last. time.” So what do you do? Download the hookup app again.  What other place to go get your ego stroked after you’ve wasted your time dating?  It definitely helps.  Probably unhealthy though, but whatever….You’ve put up walls again.

So yeah, Dating IS the worst….

 

Thoughts I have had this week that I did not post to Facebook because I knew this blog was happening…

1. Y’all don’t want me to lose this weight? Why, because I will be out here in crop tops and high waisted shorts/ pants every chance I get if my body ever gets right. Don’t believe me just watch.

2. I think Cardi B was my spirit animal in a past life. I have zero current connection to anything she says but when I hear her I just feel it in my soul.

3. One month does not a changed man make. Let that simmer.

4. ProFlowers do not smell good when they’ve been heating up in your car all day.

5. Please don’t let me get arrested at work.

6. If I get arrested right now I’m okay.

7. I wonder if all those people who told me to start a blog will actually read this.

8. Ahhhh hell.

9. Pretty sure I’m getting sick

10. Yep I’m sick

11. Ashley, you definitely have the juice!

12. I hate odd numbers!

The Difficulties of Self Love: A Letter to My Current Self From my Future Self

Dear Current Self,

This is Future LeAnna. I see you girl. You’re struggling right now. I know that your body is changing faster than and in more ways you can imagine. Maybe it’s the medications you are on, maybe it’s the new city, maybe it’s your hormones, or growing older? I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like your old tricks are working anymore – you workout regularly, you walk more than ever, you eat well most of the time, and nothing works. And when you do lose weight, your body shape is really different from super past LeAnna. You need to purge many clothes that don’t make you feel good and don’t fit, and you need to buy new clothes, and dammit, as much as you love to shop, this a been a slow, somber, and laborious process. And you’re really struggling with if this is ok, is it enough? Every picture and many mirrors point to “no,” at least you believe.

You’ve really come far on this whole self-love and body acceptance thing, but you’ve had a long time to come, and so no, this isn’t perfect or quick or near. Mixed messages are driving you fucking insane. You know the ones – love yourself, but then people lose weight and are happier and have “post pics” where they’re smiling and shit. And even though you’ve got your health and diabetes now under good control (like non diabetic numbers), you still have this fear that you’re somehow sloppy and unhealthy and others think that of you based on your size, and there’s a good type of “plus,” the one that everyone else is but you – you know curvy in the right places, proportionate and a fat ass, and I’m not sure why you take these so personally, but you do (don’t worry, you’ll figure this out and be more compassionate in the future. Remember you always figure it out).

I know that these past two weeks, every time you look in the mirror, you’ve struggled to see the beauty in your eyes, your crooked smile,  your balding hair (another post, another day, don’t come from me or I’ll come for you), your bushy brows (I meeeeean, why the hell did you wait so long to get them done though?), and your squishy belly (by the way this is genetic). You’ve questioned if is this why he decided he no longer wanted you in your life? You were sweet, you supported him during hard times, you were bomb in bed, and you were authentic. But maybe, just maybe, he couldn’t get past your curves, the cushion, the arms that are muscular (the doctor even commented on how muscular they were when she put that nexplanon in your arm), but still kinda squishy. Maybe my eyes weren’t the right shade of green or hazel or the dimples in my thigh too deep? Maybe my double digit dress size would have been more appeasing in a single digit? Who knows why they disappear? But it leaves you in anxiety, but just as Past Lee learned, you will continue to learn, that these doubts are symptoms of your trauma and other shit, and you’ll continue to grow compassion for that part of you, instead of blaming it for others failing to love and see you. I know right now, you’re rolling your eyes, and saying that Future Lee is full of BS. But you’ll come to accept that more too.

Current Lee, I want you to know that you’re beautiful. And that reading this right now fills your heart with quickening beats of anxiety and doubt, and oddly, guilt for reading this statement (you never think you deserve this).. But you are. People are not lying about how your smile, eyes, and freckles make you beautiful. And when they see your beauty, they really do mean you’re beautiful on the outside, and not because they know you or love your personality, but in light all of that, you are. People are not lying about your energy; it’s your gift – use it. Your size is fine. Your body is fine. Your shape is fine. It’s actually better than fine. Girl, you are fine. You are healthy. You do enough. You are flexible and can run. It’s enough. No one judges you running down the street and if they do, fuck them; you’re powerful girl.

You have never loved your body fully; even when you exercised for hours a day, skipping lunch, and was half your size, on the verge of an eating or exercise disorder, and even your father commented on your small size and lack of eating. This is a symptom of something bigger, and future Lee wants you to know, that you will overcome this. It gets better. You deserve love and light and wonderful things, and you will get these things – as soon as you stop standing in your own way. You’re making progress though, you are just having a bad couple of weeks, letting self-loathing have a go at your life. But Current Lee, I love you fiercely – past, current and future – even when you can’t feel it. You are the love of my life. You are my soulmate. I’m waiting on you, Current Lee. You just have to get your shit together and accept my unconditional love. I know you want it. And you deserve it.

You. Are. More. Than. Enough. Today.

With love until the end of time and then even more,

Future Lee

Da Family Cookout (Wednesday Weekly: Vol 4)

cookout

Greetings!

If you are not already familiar, my name is Malcolm and I am MORE than ecstatic to be back! Well, I guess here, I’m back but for the first time?

Anywho…

Just like the general population of the world, I like to think that I have a strong passion for music.   I love the way it can make you happy, sad, how it makes you think, and even how it can even cause you to blank out and just “be”.  If you understand what I’m saying.

With all of this said, I introduce you to one of my music series, I call “Wednesday Weekly”.  Each week, I bring you a playlist following a specific theme that I’m sure will get your heads bobbing, and your feet tapping.  This weeks theme includes all the songs your parents used to jam to in the house and at EVERY family gathering.

I hope to introduce you all to new music, REintroduce you to old music, and maybe just cause you a little less effort when you just don’t know what to listen to on certain days; so to all of my Spotify and Apple music users, I present to you, Da Family Cookout (Wednesday Weekly: Vol 4).

Spotify
Apple Music

Peace and Grits!

P.S. – Feel free to check out all of my playlists under my account in both Apple Music and Spotify.  I’m sure you’ll find something you like, and I’m constantly adding new songs to existing playlists.