A Healthy Change for Myself…

We talk a lot about body positivity here and loving the skin you are you in. However, this post shares a few moments of weakness when loving the skin you are in isn’t enough, because it can’t cure health problems. I wholly believe in that there are unrealistic expectations put out in the universe (facebook, twitter, or any kind of media for that matter) that causes people to obsess over having the perfect body and that doesn’t work for everyone. It causes a lot of pain and suffering mentally for some, but this isn’t one of those posts. Well, I don’t want it to be. This post may not be for you, and I understand, but this is my truth.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been telling myself that I need to get back in the gym. That I need to start eating better. That I should probably be more mindful of my health overall. Not because I’ve been hearing it from others. Not because I’ve seen other people go to the gym on a regular basis. But because my doctor told me I’m close to having pre-diabetes. Because I have family that is now going to a class to help keep pre-diabetes from becoming full fledged diabetes. Because I’ve started to run out of breath walking up my stairs. Because I keep finding clothes that I love that no longer fit… among a lot of other things.

Yes, I’m all about being comfortable in the skin you’re in. That’s part of living a happy life. But when things start to affect your health, it becomes more than just loving your body as it is. I’ve hit the heaviest I’ve been ever in life, but I’ve been happy with life for the most part (Maybe not in the relationship department, but that’s another story for another time…). Not really caring about what I’ve been eating, because food is bae. I’ve just been really reckless with how I’ve treated my body. The whole while I knew what I was doing. Fast food and restaurant foods for most of my meals during the week. Beers and Liquor almost every day. I’ve been “living it up”.

I’ve never been the “biggest” person. Other than being tall, people used to think I was skinny for the longest, and I still get comments about not really looking “big” to this day. I don’t know if people were just being nice, or actually felt that way, but it did help me feel more comfortable with myself and my weight, because at one point I really wasn’t comfortable with it. I still have problems with it but I’m aware of my situation and that I need to control it before its too late. Back in the day, I used to follow all of these crazy unrealistic Instagram pages who seem to lose weight in like 5 seconds. Looking for the miracle workouts to make me lose weight faster. But over time I got over that after I realized that this was damaging to myself. I realized my worth and my sanity wasn’t worth it and I started focusing on loving the skin I was in. But as time went along, I gained more weight, and it made it harder to love the skin I was in. Not because I didn’t look like a model, but because I knew I was not taking care of myself properly.

So, as of today, I’ve made a promise to myself to work towards a healthier lifestyle again. To get back in the gym, and eat better overall. This is a process to be a better me and ensure that I live to be 150 years old; or try towards it anyway :-). I don’t only want to lose weight and look better. I want to get my health back in order. That is my top priority. I don’t care about the six pack abs or the hard rock pecs. I just want to not feel tired all the time and not die sooner rather than later in life. Thankfully though, losing weight is a wonderful by-product of living a healthier lifestyle and additionally, I get to do something I thoroughly enjoy, which is working out (^_^).

This blog will never be a fitness blog and I don’t want it to be. Sure, while I go through the process of being healthier, I will share my successes and most likely rant about my setbacks, because that’s a part of the process. As you all know, I usually blog about my life and my journey as a whole and this is a part of it. So while I restart this journey of becoming more healthy, I will also work more to love myself flaws and all, because only I can guarantee myself that. But I will also strive to become a better, healthier, and non “getting tired while walking up on flight of stairs” person as well. Because I want to love the skin I’m in for a very long time.

“Love, Simon” is me, as well as others…

Contains possible spoilers about ‘Love, Simon’…

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I saw ‘Love, Simon‘ a few weeks ago at an advance screening here in Charlotte. I loved the movie.  Particularly, because just like Black Panther, it was something that I identified with and was able to see it in a major fashion, in a normal theater, around everyday people.  Not on Netflix, alone, buried in the depths of hell where you have to know a special cheat code in order to unlock it (OK, that was dramatic, but we all know there aren’t many mainstream movies about the LGBTQ life).

The movie, as great as it was because of the representation, did fall a little short on the “spectacular” meter overall, but that’s fine.  I didn’t need amazement, or some over-the-top fanticization (made up word) about being a closeted gay kid in high school who didn’t know how to be himself towards others. It was a truthful, heart-felt movie that resonated within the audience. Especially myself.

I can’t imagine how many times I’ve felt the same was a Simon, the movie’s title character, during high school and college.  Kind of wanting to be out there, but not really knowing how (only I covered it up for most of that time).  Simon, fortunately, was more comfortable with himself at this point of time in the movie than I was back in the day, but he just didn’t really know how to live his truth out. He more so just really didn’t understand why he actually NEEDED to come out.  Like, why is it a thing? Even in the movie there was this montage about his friends coming out to his parents as straight. I’ve felt this exact way multiple times, and until this past October when I wrote my post Happy National Coming Out Day, I never really felt the need to do so.

But looking back, I wish I had…

“Who you are to the world is pretty terrifying because what if the world doesn’t like you?”

“Who you are to the world is pretty terrifying because what if the world doesn’t like you?”  This is literally the single most best quote that sums up how I felt growing up.  High School was intense and you just wanted to be liked and not ridiculed.  It didn’t help that I was probably already a little weird to the “non-cool” kids and I just kind of sort of fit in.  I was so terrified to even explore who I was in that realm because, 1. I denied the hell out of it, and 2. I did that because I was scared of how I would be looked at. But you all already know that from my other posts, I won’t go into detail here.

Simon, kind of the lone wolf in his own mind, was able to explore a little part of himself once another kid from his school decided to anonymously post a message about being a closeted gay kid on the schools message board.  Simon decided to message him and open up to him anonymously as well about being just like him. Simon was finally able to be himself, and explore a feeling that’s he’s had for a long long time.  Over the course of the next few days they messaged each other back and forth and eventually became very fond of one another.  It was sweet, beautiful, even.

Since Simon’s admirer was anonymous, Simon had to live out his love stories within his imagination.  I can’t even count how many times I’ve thought that some guy who wasn’t remotely interested in me was, and it felt weird.  It was like these “unnatural” thoughts were going through my head and I just never really felt comfortable doing that.  This movie normalized that for me.  Straight people do it all the time, why can I?  “I’m done living in a world where I don’t get to be who I am. I deserve a great love story and I want someone to share it with.”

“I’m done living in a world where I don’t get to be who I am. I deserve a great love story and I want someone to share it with.”

And this is when I knew enough was enough.  Simon captured this sentiment so well and it truly resonated with me.  I was tired of hating myself for wanting to love who I wanted to love.  Was I any less deserving?

Obviously, the answer is No…

So at that time, I was tired of suffocating.  As Simon’s mom had said, “These last years, it’s almost like I can feel you holding your breath,” (I held my breath for sooooooo long) “You are still you”. As I’ve stated before so many times,  I’ve realized that I’m still the same person, gay or straight, and if anybody else didn’t realize it, then that was their fault.  When I told my mom, there was a clear sense of sadness(?) (for lack of a better word) but she also shared these same sentiments. And I knew at that time everything would be OK (I may have shed a tear or two at this point…I might be shedding one right now, lol).

“These last years, it’s almost like I can feel you holding your breath. You are still you, Simon”

One of the lower points in the movie, Simon is outed by this guy who was blackmailing him (I won’t go into details) and this caused a lot of loneliness for Simon, due to some fucked up shit he caused in the first place and this is something a lot of young gay men and women have to deal with.  Speaking from a personal standpoint, I’ve been outed plenty of times and I’ve also outed some people myself (which I’m super not proud of at all).  But another quote that stood out from the movie was “I’m supposed to be the one that decides when and how and who knows, and how I get to say it, that’s supposed to be my thing!”. And he’s right.  No one should take that away from anyone who wants to make that decision.  However, Simon stood his ground and regained control of his “coming out” story even though it was already made and at that point, he realized that he was no longer afraid.

“I’m supposed to be the one that decides when and how and who knows, and how I get to say it, that’s supposed to be my thing!”

So Simon gets to live his truth, and in the end is able to encourage his anonymous love interest to live his as well.  There were some rocky/inspiring/emotional parts in getting to this point, but I really didn’t want to give a review of the movie itself, but I just wanted to describe why I feel that this movie was important to me.  I hope it inspires a new generation to be who they are, and inspire others to accept people for who they are.  Regardless of race, religion, color, creed, and sexual orientation.

I highly suggest you go and see this movie.  You will enjoy it.  You will cry. You will smile. You will get angry.  You will lose all hope in humanity. You will gain it back. Your heart will be full.

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I’m Tired of Myself Not Showing Up and Out for Myself

A few days ago I posted a pic of me in a pink jumpsuit and everyone was kind enough to give me compliments about it out the wazoo. I almost didn’t post it, because I thought I looked ugly and fat. Last week, I posted a post about how my spiritual journey is not what most people expect and my beliefs don’t align with majority of the people I know. I almost didn’t post it because I was fearful of rejection. I am making some major life changes and am doubtful at every turn and tell little people about it because I’m afraid I look stupid or flakey. I set boundaries that are healthy for me and then feel immensely guilty because people don’t agree. I don’t want children because it isn’t for me, but feel constant pressure to explain why, and so I never talk about it, missing out on opportunities to inspire others because I’m worried about others opinions or being seen as less desirable as a romantic partner.

I could go on and on with examples like these. But what I really want, is to never have another example like this in my life. I am beyond done with not showing up and showing out for my own damn life and living it on my terms. My whole job as a therapist is centered around telling others to show up for themselves, why the hell do I not do this for me? I am tired of being bound by shit that has no positive or fulfilling purpose in my life.

My body image has held me back for years. I don’t pursue the men I want, I sometimes don’t wear the clothes I want, I avoid pictures, and I have spent too many days crying over fat rolls, doing only certain exercises to decrease fat, apologizing when I eat a donut, ans comparing myself to beautiful women. Today, I declare myself beautiful, with fat rolls, and worthy. Fuck your beauty standards I’ve internalized. I can be active and overweight and healthy and eat donuts.

I’m tired of playing small in every aspect. I will assert my truth, I will not stop talking about Black things, I will not stop talking about equity, I will not stop when you are uncomfortable, call me an angry Black woman, tell me to be sweeter. I will not stop sharing my ideas. It’s not me to be quiet or small. It’s not my soul. It kills me when I do it. I will not commit soul genocide anymore.

I’m tired of settling. I will go for jobs in my career that invigorate me, challenge me, and call me to step into the leadership position that I am called to be. I won’t be anyone’s entry level anything anymore. I will walk in my strengths humbly, but not self deprecatingly.

I will not settle with men. I deserve what I want. My body will not be used for pleasure unless I say so, and I will not settle for a man that does nothing less than challenges me to be better, loves and cares for me, can hold his own, and also is what I want. No more nice guys with potential, and certainly no more fuck boys here to waste my time. No more half committed, empty words, me chasing you, you being too cool. Stand beside me, be ready to commit, or get to walking. Also, this isn’t only your descision; I actively get to choose. I’d certainly rather be alone than to deal with any BS.

Listen. I’m ready to show up and show out for myself. I am tired of playing it safely and diminishing my light. I am soft and fierce and courageous and change maker and I no longer have a choice but to live up to this. And I’m excited AF.

So please know, I am showing up for myself in a big way and I hope you join me. But if it makes you uncomfortable, IDGAF.

Say it Loud!…I’m Black and I’m Proud!

I’m rooting for everybody Black.
-Issa Rae

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Despite popular belief, I’m black, and I love being black, and I would not trade that in for the world.

Watching Black Panther in theaters opening weekend was just such an amazing experience. An experience I have not been able to see at a mainstream level in such a long time, if ever. In its first weekend, Black Panther made $218 million. 218!!!!!! To put this in perspective, the Jordan Peele written and directed “Get Out”, which is another great movie, opened up with $33 million and “Girls Trip”, another movie for the culture, opened up with $31 million. Like, can your mind even process this right now? Black people have been WINNING for the past year and some months. However, even though “Get Out” and “Girls Trip” didn’t break the top ten grossing movies of 2017, they did place 15th and 26th respectively. Which isn’t an easy feat. We showed up! We did it y’all. But I can’t help but think we can do better. I can’t wait for when this doesn’t come as a surprise to us, because I can’t wait until other people outside of our race will finally recognize and know our worth.

Black Panther is leading in box office sales for 2018 right now and it’s not even close! Thanks to us for showing up and showing out! Additionally, I wnat to shout out the Marvel fanboys as well, but let me put this in perspective. Black Panther opened up their box office weekend outdoing Thor: Ragnarok, Spiderman: Homecoming, Wonder Woman, Justice League, Logan, AND Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 last year. Only being beat by Star Wars: The Last Jedi in 2017.

THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE! WE! SHOWED! UP!

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And what’s so much better about this, is that THEY. SHOWED. UP. The Director/Writer, the Actors, every single person who was a part of this project. Black Panther was more than just a superhero movie. It oozed of culture. It celebrated our culture! Even though Wakanda is very advanced, you see women wearing their hair beautifully, naturally, dressed in ensembles that oozed of African prints that seemed to be influenced by Kenyan cloth (I’m sure I’m wrong on the country here, don’t kill me). Even when you see T’challa and crew walking through the city, you see shops with Wakandans selling goods and merchandise, as it being the normal way of living. These people of Wakanda were showing their beauty. Taking Pride in their culture. The dances seen when the “battle” for King went on. The fact that the fate of Wakanda almost SOLELY depended on the women. When you think of advanced civilizations, you don’t think of markets, you don’t think of unpermed natural hair, you don’t think of African print clothing.. I LOVED IT. EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND.

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I’m so glad that Black Panther embodies this, because for the people that are not of color and do not know much about African culture, they were able to see a part of our history in a positive light. Usually, black people are portrayed as dumb, drug addicts, weed smoking, criminals of some sort and we are so tired of being represented this way in the mainstream. This is why we love ourselves. This is why we love to celebrate were we come from, because in most instances it has been stripped away from us. We barely see or know our history. We were taken away from our roots and forced to work as slaves for hundreds of years. This leads us to yearn and celebrate where we come from. From being descendants of Kings and Queens, to being knocked down to virtually nothing during slavery, only to come back out on top hundreds of years later gives me hope and promise and just joy that my black is beautiful and that I am worth it.

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The release of Black Panther is an event! It’s own “comic-con” of sorts. I encourage all of us to embrace our blackness and continue to show the world how amazing we are. I’ve only decided to focus on Black Panther for this post, but we are doing amazing things in music, TV, and movies. Continue to be proud and continue to support us, as we are worth every single ounce of our existence. And don’t let anyone tell you differently.

#wakandaForever

An incomplete list of my life at 30 and proof that I definitely don’t have it all together

While writing my other blog “30 and wandering…“, I came across this idea to list out pretty much every little detail about how imperfect my life is, and after going through the list, I can truly say that for the amount of things on this list, I’m doing pretty well for myself, I think. Enjoy!

I didn’t own a pair of boots as an adult until January of 2018. MAYBE a pair of Timbs during high school.

No…Lugz…they were definitely Lugz

I go grocery shopping to save money and eat better, but still end up getting fast food because most times I’m too tired to cook.

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I choose what wine I want to drink according to the alcohol to price ratio.

Actually, that goes for any alcoholic drink.

Speaking of alcohol, I buy the cheapest because it’s just going to get mixed with something else anyway. Don’t let these brand whores steer you wrong.

My car has been overheating while idling for months now and I still haven’t gotten it fixed.

I’m still paying for my old car I had before my current one. Negative equity is a bitch yall.

I owe State taxes for both SC and NC and even though I have a big refund that will cover them both, I’ll probably spend my refund on something silly then freak out when April 17th comes around and I’ll have to scrounge up money to pay the IRS.

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I buy things that I don’t use, but will refuse to get rid of them.

My home that I’ve lived in for three years still hasn’t necessarily been decorated in any form or fashion.

I’d rather fall asleep hungry than spend money on fast food because I’m too lazy to cook.

I tell myself I’m going to work out, but I don’t. Week after week.

I tend to not have complete thoughts a lot…if ever…

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I have clothes in my closet I know that I will never wear again, but will complain about not having space in my dresser.

I think those light up shoes are terrible, but I secretly want a pair

I’m in so much debt…

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I don’t know how to date

I don’t know if I want to date

I don’t know if I’m date-able

I go on hookup apps looking for love.

I go on dates with people who clearly don’t want anything from me other than sex even though that’s not what I’m looking for.

A healthy meal to me is something not fried.

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My tub probably has like 5 layers of dirt in it.

I like naps

Like seriously, LOVE naps.

Sometimes, I have clean clothes and dirty clothes strewn all over the floor and don’t know the difference between the two until I smell test them.

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If I had to choose between Reese’s or having gas for my car to go places. I’d probably choose the Reese’s every time, no question.

Instead of planning out my day and taking advantage of the time I have, I procrastinate and then rush through everything when time starts getting slim.

I pay to have my groceries delivered because I’m terrible at grocery shopping.


These are only a few things that make me terrible. Hopefully some of you out there deal with the same terribleness I do, and if not then maybe there isn’t any hope for me.

I am Tired Of Dating: Stop Screwing With People’s Emotions… And By People, I Mean Me!

This is a vent post. A wake up call to everyone out there fucking with everyone’s emotions. A comforting blanket for those crying and feeling alone and rejected by dating. A warrior call to those with strength to fuck shit up.

I am so fucking tired of people, and specific to my situation, straight men, doing whatever the hell they want with no repercussions while dating. They come in with no intention of caring for another, and perpetuate as if they may be capable, only to leave women, my friends, me, feeling confused, emotionally drained, defeated, and lately, in my case, pissed. And I’M OVER IT.

Yes, yes. I know. I should be invincible, not allow others to define my emotions, and basically be this woman who knows her worth and moves on unscathed. I do not know what super hero movie you think I’m from, but let me tell you one thing, knowing my worth has nothing to do with the feelings of despair and isolation you feel when people treat you like shit. I may be able to move on at some point and carry my head high, but if you are able to move on unscathed, please bestow your super hero powers on me. Me, I’m simply human and trying to keep myself sane.

For instance, the 5 past first dates I have had scheduled, have all flaked on me. Some have done the disappearing act on the day of. You know, nowhere to be found, number doesn’t work, and you never hear from them again. Luckily, you usually see this coming 24 hours in advance, feel crappy, order take in and/or wine, and stay home crying and texting your group chat about what is wrong with you.

The other type of flake is the set a date, be excited, text you less than 24 hours in advance, so you think it is going to happen. You buy a whole new fucking outfit, and he disappears about 12 hours before. You usually don’t show up for this one either, but this one hurts more and then next damn day, he has an excuse about his ____ dying, his house flooded, or in my situation, a car accident (in which I later learned happened waaaay before our date, he got ibuprofen for a “back injury,”and could totally have taken 2 seconds to text me he wasn’t going to make it). I’m (and you are) a nice person though, so you excuse that.

The last way to get flaked on (or in my situation, at least) is the worst. A guy who has committed one of the above offenses, shows up again and reschedules. He changes the venue an hour or two before to another city and you show up. And he never shows up, calls, or texts. AFTER being the car accident guy on the last date…

Screeeeeech. W. T. ENTIRE. F.

This one usually leads to drinking a lot at said bar meet up spot, trying not to cry, and lots of friends supporting you. But for me, this also lead to days of self doubt, internal warfare, and anger. Lots of it. You see, this came after all these failed attempts at first dates, from guys who seemed interested in me, and I don’t care what anyone tries to convince me otherwise, that shit HURT.

I’m also hurting from dating for many other reasons. I’m very annoyed with guys who want to date me but take no initiative, even if I lay it on the table and state my interest. I’m tired of everyone all the way up to 42 years damn old, not ready to settle down and are looking for “fun,” and come to wreck my life on dating sites despite my clear statement I’m looking for a long term relationship. I’m tired of their audacity to even become remotely upset, when I point that out. I’m tired of men who open up parts of me, only to disappear. Tired of men lying about simple shit, and when I call them out on it, play stupid and switch it back on me, leaving me no choice but to ignore their dumb “looking eyes” emojis when they try to pop up. In fact, I’m tired of the pop ups, please go away and I hate those damn “looking eyes.” I am tired if you flirting endlessly with me all night, hiding your left hand or not wearing your ring, only to tell me hours later that you’re married. I am tired of you realizing too late, I was the one who got away. I’m tired of broken promises strewn on the floor, like shattered glass – seemingly magnificent, but painful.

I’m tired of cisgender, heterosexual men setting the standards and rules of dating and being a woman, that if I don’t follow, rebel, or question, then I’m the crazy one.

Mostly, I’m tired. And I feel an uprising within me that grows stronger everyday. Men, particularly, black men, I love you, but you need to do fucking better. Because I am hearing the warrior call in all areas of my life, and I’m tired and ready for battle.

153 Reasons Why I Am Probably Undateable

First of all, please be very clear, this is not 153 reasons why I hate myself, or even 153 reasons why I 100% with a shadow of a doubt believe I am undateable. These are 153 reasons why, because of something someone else has said and done, I have been informed that I am undateable. Well maybe a few of them are things I think have kept me from convincing someone else of how awesome I am to the point that they want to spend a significant amount of their time with me. But who knows. I’ve actually quite enjoyed making this list over the last few days because it’s given me a chance to reflect on different aspects of myself and decide 1. Is it honestly something that would keep me from dating someone else and 2. If it something I want to change. And honestly. The answer to both of those questions is almost always no.

So, in no particular order, for your reading pleasure, 153 reasons why no one has wifed this, put a ring on it or chosen to shoot their shot and stick around for the championship game!

1. I’m not perfect. You will ask me to stop doing something. I will try my hardest and it will still happen. Not because I forgot it, wasn’t listening or didn’t care. I’m just not perfect and change takes time.

2. If we argue, I will cry. Especially if I’m mad, sad or hurt. You may not be able to tell the difference.

3. I have to wear my hair in three braids under a cap a night if I want it to look right in the morning.

4. I have this thing on my left big toe. Don’t know what it is. It’s been there my whole life. Sometimes I cut it with a fingernail clipper but it just grows back. It’s kind of like a wart but it’s not a wart.

5. Speaking of feet. I hate them. I won’t touch yours.

6. Still feet related. Mine aren’t perfect. There’s dry skin and sometimes rough heels. But I’ve been told they are pretty.

7. My nail polish is chipped 95% if the time

8. I smell like coconut. Only an issue if you don’t like the smell of coconuts

9. If we argue, I will talk to my friends, my mom, and my sister about the argument.

10. If we do something cute or fun I will talk to them too. They will know about you and us.

11. I still live with my parents.

12. I’m kind of bad with money. Terrible at saving it. Have never had to pay rent. Have worked since I was 17. Do not have a large savings.

13. I have a daughter. She’s awesome but probably won’t be easy for you to win over. When I talk about her I often refer to her as “my child.” Kind of self explanatory but may be a problem.

14. I’m not a Virgin.

15. I have been with 10 men. Accurate count at the time of this being posted. Can’t say if that’s true based on when you read this.

16. Sometimes when I sleep I do this weird hum thing.

17. Sometimes I snore.

18. Sometimes when I sleep I breathe heavy

19. My thighs are pretty much fused together. A thigh gap is non existent. I’m like a mermaid

20. I hate the gym

21. I’m not a neat freak. I don’t think I’m a slob but my mom would probably argue that (she is a neat freak)

22. I will plan our wedding within a few days of meeting you if I find you remotely interesting.

23. My already planned wedding has hints of Harry Potter in it.

24. I have a fairly intense fascination with Harry Potter. I have a tattoo. Several jewelry items, multiple shirts, wands, underwear, tights, a blanket, the books, some of the movies, purses, wallets and other stuff I’m probably forgetting

25. I’m not a big sports fan. I’m not even a little sports fan

26. I may be able to cook and grill better than you

27. I may be smarter than you

28. I may have more degrees then you

29. I have a tendency to remember random seemingly pointless bits of information and conversations and bring them up later. This is only an issue in arguments and typically then only when I’ve forgotten something important and you’ll use it to make your point about me being terrible.

30. I like the idea of Valentine’s Day

31. My birthday is close to Christmas.

32. I enjoy reading for pleasure. And reading nonsense that won’t teach me anything

33. I blog

34. I will write about you in my blog. Especially if it doesn’t work out or you make me really mad

35. I won’t send you nudes

36. My body is not perfect. My arms jiggle. My stomach is not flat. It’s the opposite. And it’s wrinkly. And hangs over if not constrained by some spanx like apparatus.

(I wish it looked that flawless!)

37. If I don’t wear some sort of spanx type apparatus when in dresses or skirts, my thighs chafe to the point of bruising

38. I bathe ALMOST every day. Sometimes I skip a Saturday.

39. My job can be stressful

40. I will listen intently and respond and you will think I’m counseling you

41. If I offer advice you will think I’m counseling you

42. If I stay silent you will think I’m counseling you

43. I’m bad at grammar

44. I don’t know when to use commas appropriately

45. I’m terrible at math

46. I don’t make my bed

47. I want more children. 4 total is the number that comes to mind when I consider it.

48. When I wash my hair, the amount of hair the comes off my head could provide coats for a large family of naked mole rats.

49. I’m a terrible dancer if not slightly intoxicated.

50. I will not randomly burst out in song and/or dance in public. I will appear uncomfortable in you do. I’ll probably start walking away just because it’s awkward to stand there while someone is dancing. But I couldn’t care less if you do it.

51. It will take me a while to feel comfortable enough to sing or dance around you

52. It will take me a while to feel fully safe and comfortable around you. Any amount of judgement on your part will seriously prolong the process.

53. I enjoy a good margarita, tequila shot, or glass of champagne.

54. My friends and I get together for margaritas and a movie on a semi regular basis.

55. My best friend and I plan to travel internationally once a year for the rest of our lives.

56. I pick my nose

57. Sometimes I get sick and would like to be taken care of

58. I like a good amount of cuddling but can’t sleep up under anyone.

59. If you snore I will contemplate all the ways I could kill you in your sleep sleep.

60. If I don’t already know you I will assume you are a serial killer or just trying to sleep with me until you prove otherwise.

61. I’m not the best driver

62. Sometimes I find myself seriously attracted to women

(I would seriously consider leaving you for Ruby Rose)

63. I am a LGBTQ Ali for sure

64. I’m pretty feminist

65. I’m learning more and more that I can be pro-Black and mixed

66. I still Love most white people

67. I cuss

68. I pray

69. I believe in Jesus

70. I don’t know if I fully believe in the Jesus that religion has presented to me

71. I question things, including people

72. Submission is in my vocabulary but not a easy word to follow

73. I will try really hard to fix things that you point out as being wrong with me to the point of becoming miserable with myself and you will be able to tell and get mad at me therefor perpetuating the cycle

74. I do a lot of introspection and sometimes that can be unhealthy

75. I don’t really know if I believe in karma

76. I eat pork and beef

77. Carbs are life

78. I can’t run

79. I don’t breathe when I talk so it always seems like I’m out of breath

80. I blink really hard to the point that people ask if I have turrets and I sometimes wonder if I do

81. I can’t answer the question “where are you from” with an actual place

82. If we do have kids I will have a difficult time adjusting to coparenting as I have not had to do that thus far

83. I can be petty. Feel free to ask what my most petty moment in life has been. It’s pretty intense.

84. I’ve had some pretty painful past relationships. Those experiences do influence the way I approach the dating world now. As do my good experiences with people. If you think that it is possible to approach dating with a clean slate each time, I would really appreciate if you taught me how to perform that magic trick. As this is not just a fact for dating but life in general.

85. I plan to start confronting people on their bullshit more. You may be the first.

86. Sometimes I like to be alone but I like to still be checked on.

87. I have what I think are pretty reasonable standards but have been informed might be in actuality way too high.

88. I expect you to respect me

89. I expect you to be faithful

90. I expect you to be considerate

91. I expect you to be kind

92. I expect you not to be a hoe

93. I expect you not to have me out here looking stupid

94. I expect you to keep your word

95. I expect you to take me out

96. I expect you to tell the truth

97. I expect you to be mindful of my feelings

98. I expect you to treat me like a woman

99. I expect you not to hit me

100. I expect you to be able to hold an adult conversation in person that does not include yelling or cussing at me

101. I expect you to obey the law

102. I expect you to drink responsible if you choose to do so

103. I expect you to try to understand me and not assume you know me

104. I expect you to mess up

105. I expect you to say sorry

106. I have never been in a fight and don’t plant to start now

107. I really like Cardi B. I tried to deny it but I can’t.

108. I have a love of really bad rap music

109. I don’t follow or understand most pop culture related things

110. I don’t get most black 90’s culture related things

111. I hate coffee

112. I hate hey stranger texts

113. I have tattoos. Some of them reference past relationships

114. I have a tattoo of a maple leaf that matches my sister’s tattoo. I got it on my first date with my ex

115. Sometimes I obsess over things

116. I enjoy trying new things but have serious anxiety surrounding being embarrassed and failing.

117. I struggle with change

118. I need pretty consistent attention

119. If Obama could eat dinner with his family most nights of the week when he was president. I expect that you can send a text message consistently and set aside some time weekly.

120. I’m fairly easily pleased

121. I like creativity

122. I like simple things

123. I’m an introvert

124. You have an idea in your head if who I am. I promise you that’s not me.

125. I won’t fight for you. Literally. I will not fight another person for you. And figuratively. If you choose to walk away I will not chase after you. I will fight like hell while you are here. But the second you choose to leave I will willingly and quietly let you go.

126. I’ve decided to stop begging people to want to spend time with me or be with me.

127. I have a couple really great male friends who aren’t going anywhere.

128. I will be suspicious of your female friends if they are single and you spend more time with them than me.

129. I have some trust issues.

130. I’m not aware of all of my issues and flaws.

131. I enjoy country music

132. I’m hairy. I have an ex who would jokingly make the Chewbacca sound to discuss how hairy I am. I’m not that bad. But a few years back I participated in no shave November and it changed my life. I shave my armpits if I’m going to have a tank top on and be raising my arms. I shave my legs for special occasions. And if your expecting a pre-pubescent vaginal area…well I will question your life choices.

133. I’m tall

134. I like to take hot baths and read. No you can’t join. First of all, if we both can fit in a standard size tub you are probably like 4ft even and 95 lbs.

135. I appreciate tall men. This is my one super vain hope in a partner. But even it is negotiable.

136. I’ve been told I am intimidating

137. I suffer from resting bitch face

138. I can have some pretty impressive PMS moments

139. Sometimes I engage in tit for tat

140. My sense of humor takes some adjusting to.

141. I can joke with a straight face.

142. Sometimes I feel like I’m laughing and obviously joking but apparently I’m not because people still think I’m serious or mad

143. I don’t like to argue

144. Sometimes I overshare on social media

145. My mind does not think in terms of song lyrics. I will never respond with drop top if you say raindrop.

146. I ask for too much

147. I don’t ask enough questions

148. I can’t sleep with the tv on

149. You will have a very small window of opportunity to convince me to come back after an argument or you walking away (see #125). If you choose not to use it because you want to teach me a lesson and then pop up several days later, then I have already been given several empowering pep talks by my friends, coworkers and mother. You will not get the response you want. You will probably be confused. I will probably only feel bad for a few moments. But I will remember that I am the shit and you shouldn’t have had to lose me to figure that out. The length of the window of opportunity is directly proportional to the number of fuckboys, narcissist or failed attempts at relationships I have encountered before you. The more of those you’re fighting against, the less time you have.

150. Sometimes my eyebrows are not on fleek. See # 132

151. I have a past. A life before you. It’s not perfect. It’s not the worst. But it’s mine and I won’t be made to feel bad about it.

152. I really enjoy going to the movies. It’s my happy place.

153. I have this thing where I like to walk with people on my right side if no one is on both sides of me. I will move to make this possible if need be. You will notice. It’s a balance thing and slightly related to my hatred of odd numbers.

If you made it this far…THANK YOU…you are my favorite type of person.

I think my plan is to just share the link to this post with anyone who shows interest in me and be like “here. Read this. Then let me know if you still want these problems.”