Dating is the worst…Confirmed

I’ve been pondering on if I should post this.  I wrote it about a month ago.  I just felt like if I stopped talking about Dating, then I’d get over it. HA! This is a follow up to the blog post Dating is the worst….Kind of…  (No this isn’t a solicitation to be hooked up with anyone. You know who you are! LOL) This will most likely be my last post like this about dating. Mostly because it’s a new year, and I’m trying to be a better me.

At the time that I wrote “Dating is the worst…Kind of…” I was just kind of in the middle of this in-and-out thing with someone and wasn’t really sure what things were between me and that person.  It was a great time, and I had fun, but after a while I starting thinking “hey, this is a good thing!” (You already know where this is going).  At the time I was “going with the flow”, like everyone always suggests. “If something is there then let it happen naturally” they say.  Sure, but how long do you have to wait before something starts to “happen naturally”?  At what certain point do you get tired of “going with the flow” after flowing for months and for some people, years?  It should go without saying that when feelings start to be involved, then that’s where things need to be looked at closer. And someone is always going to catch feelings…

I guess that’s where I fucked up.

As a pretty emotional person, I tend to let my feels get the best of me at times (a lot of times). And that’s not necessarily a bad thing but I do end up in bad situations a lot due to it.  In most cases, it’s when I feel like I need to throw caution to the wind due to being an over-thinker (Which is a terrible method and I’m trying to get back to my “fuck it all” ways; Even though I’ve officially embraced my “I got time” nature…I’m a little confused on things currently in this department).

*Sigh*

I probably should have posted this sooner…

But I didn’t.  I thought I was over it.  And at the time I wrote this, I was still holding on for some dumb reason. We all know that not letting go only turns you into a angry, bitter, stalker.  And for some time, I was that person.  Angry at the fact that I let myself get into this position again.  Bitter at the fact that they continued to live life as if I barely even existed, and stalker because social media just makes it so easy; So I’m hoping for this to be my ultimate “let go” moment of this situation.

Dating is such a difficult process.  Without even realizing it, it’s something that can determine the trajectory of the rest of your life.  Just think, all it takes is one day to meet your future spouse. One person, a stranger even, could be the one you end up spending the rest of your life with.  Just one day.  I recently started thinking this way, and it let me to date a little more critically.  I used to date carelessly; Ok, lets be honest.  I used to hook up and then decide if they were viable candidates to spend the rest of my life with (a terrible business model).  It’s a trap I’ve been setting myself up for for YEARS and now I’m finally realizing it.  In my aforementioned post, this was literally my example of how I dated, and why I thought it was the worst.  But dating that way is cake compared to actually DATING someone.  It was easy back then but now, you get too involved and your emotions are all fucked afterwards.

Ever since starting “The Tinder Experiment”,  I’ve worked on changing my whole philosophy on dating because, to be frank; Just because the sex is good doesn’t mean that’s who I should be laying beside for the rest of my life.

So back then, dating was only the worst… “Kind of…” because I would feel like crap, but then pick myself back up by the bootstraps, download a hookup app and start searching for the next adventure and I would be fine.  But in my current situation, where I’ve actually started investing time in getting to know people on a more intimate level, dating actually gets difficult.  Yeah, sometimes things don’t work out, and that’s normal, but I’m talking about the times where you’re genuinely getting to know someone. You start getting to know them and enjoying time with that person and then it ends abruptly. And it just hurts like hell.  Because instead of just looking for your next fuck, you feel drained, hopeless at times because you’ve showed so much of yourself to this person for nothing.  It’s disheartening, and really damaging, honestly.

I blame the hook up apps…

But, actually, I blame myself.  I blame myself for a lot of different reasons that are too lengthy to list here, but I do.

I haven’t seriously talked to many people since. Well, I did, but things fell off.  I guess at this point it’s obvious that things fell off because of my previous experience.  I’m slightly scared, sure.  And it might sound like I’m complaining or whining, and maybe I am.  It’s just a part of the process.

So again, no, I’m not looking for encouraging words, or for you to hook me up with anyone (Tina! lol).  Reason being is because after going through so many dating situations, you start the think that you are the problem, and then you feel a little hopeless for a while, and then you don’t want to let anyone in, and you always think in your head that Karma is a bitch, and ultimately, you’re just tired.  Because who’s ready to exert that much time and energy into someone again already?   So to the guys I’ve talked to recently; I’m working on it, but…now you know.

So yeah, Dating is the worst…for now…

The Tinder Experiment (final update)

THE EXPERIMENT IS OVER!

I’M OVER IT!

SO OVER IT!

IT’S DUMB!

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Ok Ok, it wasn’t dumb BUT, to be honest, I’ve never really legitimately dated.  It’s always been this whole “hook-up” thing, and then I’m like “hey I like you” and then they are like “Hey, I like you too” and then down the road…say like 3 months I find out that this probably isn’t what I wanted to sign up for and then I’m back at square one.  So this has really been kind of hard for me.

It’s been about  a month since I started “The Tinder Experiement” and I think that this is a long enough time to report back on my initial findings.  Things during the experiment were both good and bad. Before starting this I would swipe like a mad-man waiting for a match to happen.  Over time, I no longer stressed out about matching with people, nor did I freak out when people didn’t really text back immediately. It gave me a reason to be patient.  I wasn’t feeding off that instant gratification of matching with a million people and always having someone to talk to or respond to.  I focused on talking to 3 people at a time and as time went along my urge to swipe significantly decreased and honestly, I just stopped caring about matching with other people since I was spending valuable time getting to know someone else.  Maybe this was just an overall good way to ween myself off of the dating app completely.

Well… I thought…

The best thing about this experiment was realizing that vetting these guys by actually reading through their “About Me” profiles and being a little more critical about who I swiped right on due to the “only matching with three people at a time” rule has proven to be a tad effective. I’ve not matched with any fuckbois at all, and I’m able to have genuine conversation with people who want to learn more about me.  I just don’t feel like I’m wasting my time when logging onto the application.  It’s a great feeling.

With the Pros though, there are Cons.  Those mostly being that you get a lot of boring guys, and you can’t really avoid that.  Also, people may be busy, or just don’t use the app as much and that’s understandable, but you would think that if someone wanted to talk to you and found you interesting they’d talk to you more often.  With this said though, having the boring guys around has made it easier for me to not be addicted to Tinder and keep in mind you can always unmatch and keep it moving.

There’s no real say on if this is a bust or not, but if I compare it to how I used to treat Tinder, there would probably be a lot of wasted time and conversations in my message queue.  I’ve realized that I don’t have time for that so right now, I would say a slight success.  I’ve met a few genuine guys who just didn’t work out due to personality mismatches, mostly. I’m kind of particular.

So as of right now I think I’m hanging up the online app dating hat.  Even after going through hundreds of profiles and matching with about 20 guys, I’ve still not found that one that’s for me.  I can admit though, that this experience overall, has been the best experience I’ve had on Tinder for sure.  Just takes time.  What’s next?  I’m not sure.  Maybe I’ll just be content “loving me” and “getting to know myself” as the married and boo’d up people say. *Rolls Eyes*.

 

 

So This is 30!

I have officially entered the 30 club! Whoop whoop! I received about as close to a parade for my 30th birthday as possible. Thank you again to all my friends and family who showed up and showed out for little OLD me! As far as birthdays go it was pretty wonderful.

So now a time of reflection.

The last three decades have definitely been interesting. Living all over the world (or at least Europe) as a child, moving back to America as a pre-teen, middle school (ugh), high school, teen pregnancy, motherhood, college, grad school, first job, first counseling jobs, Love, heartbreak, Love again, heartbreak again, and ultimately self-love. Obviously a very condensed nutshell of my life so far.

Here are my hopes, dreams, prayers, demands, #goals for my 30’s:

Continued but unwavering self-love. I plan to love myself so much that the next time someone comes a long and it doesn’t work,or if no one comes a long at all, or if they do and it does work, that my love for myself does not waver or weaken or crumble. Honestly, this is a tough one.

More travel. Wether it’s around the world or up the street. I don’t care. Just do it. And take Taylor with.

Save money. This is an area I struggle with to the pits of my soul. But somethings gotta give.

One day make enough money to move out of my parents house but also still be able to afford to eat on a daily basis.

Do more things alone. I spent the last decade or so doing a lot of waiting for someone else to do things with. Autumns came and went where I didn’t go on awesome fall dates because there was no one to take me. Museums have been unvisited. Movies were left unseen. Restaurants were left untried. Because for some reason in my head, to do things alone was the ultimate form of sadness. My fellow bloggers write a lot about dating or dating experiments. Dating scares me. Maybe I will blog about my solo dates…hmmm.

Which leads me to,

Go on more dates. I honestly don’t know why the idea of going out with someone I don’t really know to well scares me but it does. Especially if this person was found on a dating app. People are crazy. I’m not trying to be no ones breaking news or lifetime movie. But, alas, it is the way the rest of the world works so it’s time to hop on board the dating train.

Find a workout/exercise/healthy living routine I actually enjoy. Kind of self explanatory really. Any suggestions?

Learn to knit things that aren’t rectangular. I knit a lot of scarves, blankets, things that look round but are really just rectangles sewn together. Gotta learn some advanced techniques.

Learn to leave people on “read.” This could probably be an entire blog post in itself and maybe one day it will be. But for now, just thinking of it as learning to walk away and not feel bad for doing so when relationships end or even just conversations.

So yea. I think that’s pretty much it. Pretty standard stuff really. Obviously the list has the ability to be adjusted and tweaked as needed. I feel like an official adult now! Not sure how I made it here but here I am. At the very least it should result in a few entertaining blog post!

What are/were your hopes, dreams, prayers, demands, #goals for your 30’s?

10 surefire ways to ensure I “Swipe Left” on your Tinder profile

I’ve spent a lot of time on Tinder these days and I find myself just being annoyed at things I probably shouldn’t be annoyed at. I mean, I kind of hate people in general,but that’s mostly the general population.  People who I love know I love them.

Don’t get me wrong…

I know I’m not the perfect catch, and I don’t want to be.  I don’t like people having high expectations of me (lol). But there’s this population of people on Tinder that genuinely irks my nerve not because of their face, but what’s in their “about me”.  I kind of feel bad though because half of the people I would swipe right on, fall into this realm because in the past I would just swipe without reading the profile.  Shame on myself!

Anywho, these people are the worst kind of people on Tinder…

1. “All Lives Matter”

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Just…….just don’t. If you don’t understand the meaning behind Black Lives Matter and you’re just saying “All Lives Matter” because you think BLM only means ONLY black lives matter, you are totally missing the point and you are working to invalidate the fact that people of color are being mistreated at the hand of the police and judicial system in general.

Also,  if all lives mattered why the hell does it seem like you don’t care about black lives?

ALSO Also, this kind of sets off my racist radar.

2. “Trump Supporter”

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HOW?!?!? No…seriously, how? How does this even make sense?  Not only is he a dumb, misogynistic asshole of a person, Donald Trump represents a party that definitely has issue with the LGBTQ community. Even if he doesn’t have a problem with LGBTQ people, the fact that both, you and he supports a party that shows constant hate against our community makes me sad.  You’re LGBTQ…come on…

3. “Young Professional”

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You’re damn near 35. Drop the “young”. Half of your colleague workforce is probably younger than yourself.  Also, there are more ways to be vague about what you do on a day to day basis.  I’m starting to have more respect for the “Self-employed” crowd. (That’s a whole other rant there) Actually…

4. People who put “Self-employed” on their profile but don’t explain what that really means.

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For all I know, you’re a drug dealer and I don’t have time for this.  Or you’re unemployed and just don’t want to seem like a failure.  Or you’re just now on a new venture and quit your job of 20 years because you got tired of it, but don’t really have a business plan of where you’re going.  How hard is it to say “Owner of _______”.  That will get a Right Swipe in a heartbeat if it sounds reasonable.

5. Any phrase describing how “masc” you are and how you only like “masc” guys.

Nobody needs your self-hating, divisive attitude around here.  We all have preferences, but don’t be out here judging a book by it’s cover.

6. Pictures of everything but your face.

I mean…obviously

7. Any hint at the fact that you THOROUGHLY enjoy the gym more than eating (Loving them equally is OK though).

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I know gym heads like to eat, but for the type that likes to eat chicken. Bland chicken. For every meal. The same way. Every day. For ever and ever. AMEN. Gots ta go.

I have nothing against the gym-heads though.  I used to be addicted to the gym, but I just have a problem when people start to judge me for not going.  Yes, I know I could probably use it, but let me “live my best life” ok?.

8. “I don’t like filling these out” or “I never know what to say here”

AKA, I’m boring.

Honestly, this wasn’t a problem before I started “The Tinder Experiment” but adding this to my rules actually helped me avoid a bunch of fuckboys. ESPECIALLY if you have 5 photos and your Instagram linked and all of your Spotify songs selected. Just saying.  No “About Me” basically means that you don’t know what you’re looking for or you’re just too lazy to fill it out. Which again, confuses me if you fall into the category of having EVERYTHING linked to your profile.  It’s just bad.

If you’re just trying to hook up, say it.  If you’re bored, say it. If you don’t know what you’re doing here, say it.  A blank profile means nothing and as a result, will get nothing in return.  There’s plenty of pretty faces out there on Tinder that would love to share a bit about themselves.

9. Having an obviously fake name, or some ridiculous nickname on your profile

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If I can’t at least find you on Facebook with your “name”, it’s going to be a no from me.

 

10. All of your profile pics are group pics of you and your friends and family

I’m just going to think you’re the ugliest one in the pic. Plain and simple. And then you have the nerve to link your instagram, and your IG profile pic is some nature scene, and all of your pics are group pics in there as well.  Obviously I could go through the process of elimination and eventually narrow you down, but who wants to do all that work.

If you’re ugly, work that shit. Be ugly confident!
/Rant

 

What are some things that will certainly earn a “Left Swipe” for you?

The Tinder Experiment (update)

It’s been about 4 days since the start of this experiment and I will be totally honest;

THIS IS A BAD IDEA

The original rules were too restricting and just made me want to swipe more, unmatch unnecessarily, and just freak out in general when I wouldn’t get a response when I felt like I should have.  So, there have been some changes made to the rules.

For those who can’t remember or just don’t know, here are the rules (updated rules in bold):

  1. Only have a conversation with 3 people at a time. 
    • If I am having genuine conversation with all 3, I can not swipe any more to attempt to match with additional people. 
  2. Being that people don’t always auto-match with whomever you swipe right on, I’m giving myself up to 5 right swipes in a 24 hour period. (I will be working on the Honor System lol).
    • The 5 right swipe rule may cause some problems being that if I swipe right 5 times and they all end up coming back as matches.  If this ever happens, at that time I must make a decision on who I want to focus on and unmatch the other people.
    • However, if one of the 5 matches messages me first, I must respond to them.  I can still keep the other matches in my queue at that point, but I must make a decision on if I will pursue further within a day.
  3. I cannot swipe right on someone with no details in their “About Me”.
  4. I’m able to swipe right on individuals who have just one sentence in their “About Me”, but it has to catch my eye and not be some boring ass shit.
  5. If there’s any doubt on the person I’m looking at, I HAVE TO Swipe Left on them.  It could be the sexiest person in the world; If there’s doubt, swipe left. (Reason being is because that doubt will cause me to continue swiping, sequentially breaking my first rule. Especially if I run out of right swipes for the day).
  6. If I match with someone, send a message, and no communication is made within 24 hours, I am free to unmatch, and continue to swipe right and start another conversation.
  7. Once there has been three consecutive days of no contact even after having genuine conversation, I MUST unmatch to keep things tidy and avoid conversing with multiple people at the same time.
  8. I can unmatch at any time.
  9. Messaging someone multiple times to get their attention is not allowed. If you have responded already, you have to wait. They must respond on their own free will.

Current issues I’ve run into

Anxiety from waiting to see if the person responds. Especially if they take a super long time. This is why the change was made to rule 1.

People who are clearly just “looking for friends” (normal or fwb). Am I auto left swiping these guys or nah? (I still haven’t made a decision on this. I may swipe right now since I’m giving myself 3 conversations now)

Accidental right swipes. (Do they count?)

Unmatching just for the sake of moving on so you can get to other matches quicker; Which sort of circumvents the process here, but also allows you to talk to someone that genuinely wants to talk to you rather than people who use Tinder as a time passer.

Unmatching seems like you’re doing a bad deed. Its very hard, especially if the person seems nice.

Pet peeves

(you know, since I’m actually paying attention to profiles now)

EVERYONE’S a young professional. 🙄 Jesus, use a better phrase to describe yourself.
(Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with being a young professional, but at this point just tell me what you do if you want people to know you have a decent job) 

A lot of people love to hike or work out.
(This is no longer an indicator of if I’m attracted to you or not)

Nobody really knows what they want
(Even myself)

A lot of people seem to thing that filling out the “About Me” is trivial…

I think I’m expecting too much. Lol

 

All in all…

I think I’ve matched with about 6 people since starting this. 1 unmatched me (probably an accidental swipe right, lol). I unmatched 1 (due to the 24 hour no response rule), and another 1 I unmatched even after having ok conversation with, but I felt like he was just bored (maybe that one was a mistake).

The other three, well, I’m talking to them.  Nothing exciting to report though.  I’m working on weaning myself off of the application due to the fact that I don’t want it to start controlling my life.  I have a lot of free time so it’s easy to get consumed into it.


Be sure to follow the craziness or lack of…who knows. All of my posts will be categorized under The Tinder Experiment so you should be able to follow each post there and keep up with if this is a major success or a total failure.

The Tinder Experiment

There are a TON of “hook-up” and “dating” apps out there right now and it’s almost overwhelming.  I’ve been on many of them for the past 1, 2, 3…5 years, and it’s pretty much been the same thing over and over. You “match”, hang out, maybe even date for a little bit and then it never really becomes anything. Obviously, that’s not the case for everyone.  There are a few people out there who’ve been lucky enough to find their love using these apps, but see…

I’m different…or just like everybody else, depending on whoever you ask, I guess…

We see a smorgasbord of opportunity and the FOMO gets real.  The ease of swiping right has presented this conundrum of being able to meet the one you really click with, but then, you just don’t stop there. You keep going and keep matching and honestly just get the pleasure of matching with people you think that are attractive.  What’s the Pringle’s slogan? “Once you pop, you can’t stop”?  Yeah, that’s pretty much Tinder; For me, anyway.

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So, the experiment…

Match with one person at a time…

Yes…It’s just that simple!. Swipe until I swipe right and match with one person, and then genuinely have a conversation until I determine if they are right or wrong for me.  Easy enough right? OH! and I’m not allowed to swipe right on anyone who doesn’t have anything in their “About Me”.

Sounds like a piece of cake right?  Well….there are rules and the Official Rules are as follows:

  1. Only have a conversation with one person at a time!
  2. Being that people don’t always auto-match with whomever you swipe right on, I’m giving myself up to 3 right swipes in a 24 hour period. (I will be working on the Honor System lol).
    • The 3 right swipe rule may cause some problems being that if I swipe right three times and they all end up coming back as matches.  If this ever happens, at that time I must make a decision on who I want to focus on and unmatch the other people.
    • However, if one of the 3 matches messages me first, I must respond to them.  I can still keep the other matches in my queue at that point, but I must make a decision on if I will pursue further within a day.
  3. I cannot swipe right on someone with no details in their “About Me”.
  4. I’m able to swipe right on individuals who have just one sentence in their “About Me”, but it has to catch my eye and not be some boring ass shit.
  5. If there’s any doubt on the person I’m looking at, I HAVE TO Swipe Left on them.  It could be the sexiest person in the world; If there’s doubt, swipe left. (Reason being is because that doubt will cause me to continue swiping, sequentially breaking my first rule. Especially if I run out of right swipes for the day).
  6. If I match with someone, send a message, and no communication is made within 24 hours, I am free to unmatch, and continue to swipe right and start another conversation.
  7. Once there has been three consecutive days of no contact, even after having genuine conversation, I MUST unmatch to keep things tidy and avoid conversing with multiple people at the same time.
(Note: I know these rules aren’t fool proof, and there are some inconsistencies/contradictions, but I’m working on it!)

Most people, myself included, would continue to swipe right until the end of time and end up matching with endless amounts of people.  Then, in most cases, people will let them sit there and  just wait for their matches to fight for our attention until we find a worthy person to meet.  But that brings up another concern though.  There are SO MANY people on Tinder that nobody gives genuine attention because you have Jimmy, Timmy and Bob over there in your DMs thirsty as hell and ready to go.

This is a terrible approach if you want to genuinely and seriously date. So this is why I’ve come up with this experiment…and it’s more so a test for myself, really.

And yes, I know that the other party I match with will probably not be doing the same thing but hopefully I’m interesting enough to gain their attention, keep it and hopefully they’ll keep mine as well.  I don’t want to be 39 still swiping on these dumb applications because I’m worried about the next one.  I refuse!

But there are some possible/realistic setbacks…

  • I am at peak swipe mode while drinking and for you all that know me, know I love my beer.
  • I get bored SUPER easily, which is one reason why I continue to swipe even after matching.
  • I’m super picky. This could be a good thing, but also could be a bad thing.  Like, I feel like I’d stop talking to someone because I still have that FOMO looming. Almost as if I’d just make an excuse to unmatch and swipe on to the next one.

Sure, I already hear “Your first problem is trying to find love on an app! Go out to a club or bar or something”.  First of all, I am not asking for your opinion on this in the first place. I’ve met plenty of people out in public and it’s hard given the fact that people only want to go home with you at the end of the night instead of genuinely getting to know you.

So here it is…resetting my Tinder for the fifty-leventh time! Let’s see how this goes. Be sure to check for updates!

 

 

“Hey, Stranger” Season

As the weather tries to get cooler (we are struggling here in NC for some reason), as the colors on the leaves change to their beautiful oranges and golds, and as Christmas music and decorations seem to have exploded onto the shelves and radio stations, I have been quickly reminded that “hey, stranger” season has arrived as well. 

Like ghosts of semi relationships past, i have received four “hey, stranger” text or direct messages this week. Actually five but one was from an actual friend just checking in so I don’t hold it against him. 


So what is a “hey, stranger” text you ask? Well first off, if you have to ask, consider yourself blessed since you’ve never received one! Side note before we get started, if Ruby Rose ever sent me a “hey, stranger” text any advice or thoughts that follow this sentence go out the window! So back to the matter at hand. A “hey, stranger” text is any message you get randomly  from any person you may have once been even the slightest bit interested in whether romantically or otherwise but for what ever reason it didn’t work out. Maybe they ran off and found someone else and got married. Maybe they ghosted you only to pop up now because they realize you’re amazing. Maybe they are currently married and failed to mention that before flirting with you. Maybe they snored so bad you slept in your car the last time you saw them and for that and several other reasons it would never work but now that they are getting old they realize they were an idiot and want to try again. Maybe these are true stories, maybe they aren’t. Either way, these relationships, or semi-relationships, did not work out for one reason or another but for some reason as the whether changes so do peoples feelings and memories so they think it’s a good idea to contact you out of the blue. 


And that’s the issue. It’s totally random and out of the blue. You’ve been minding your business for weeks, months, years and they’ve decided that’s a good indicator that you want to hear from them. 


If you’re anything like me a few things happen when the text appears or  the DM comes through. 1. You are slightly confused as to who the person is because you have either deleted their number or erased them from your memory. 2. An epic battle takes place between being a bitch or politely telling them to go back from whence they came. 


If you’re also like me you usually try to politely tell them to go away which always ends badly. They don’t understand politeness. They see it as weakness and they still try to sneak in. So then you ultimately have to be a bitch anyways to get them to go away. 


So I’ve written this as a warning. To my kindred spirits who find that each year as cuffin’ season approaches you receive an onslaught of unwanted “hey, stranger” text, I say to you: stay strong! It’s not worth it! They will disappear as quickly as they came once it starts to warm up again. You deserve better. You are better. Say it like a mantra every morning in the mirror until you believe it if you don’t. 


And for those of you who are considering sending a “hey, stranger” text. 


You had your chance. You blew it. It’s okay. We most likely aren’t mad (or maybe we are so consider that before texting) but we don’t want to hear from you. Go find someone new and live your best life, just leave us out of it!!!! 



I don’t know how else to say it. People who send any version of the “hey, stranger” text are some of the worst kind of people.