10 surefire ways to ensure I “Swipe Left” on your Tinder profile

I’ve spent a lot of time on Tinder these days and I find myself just being annoyed at things I probably shouldn’t be annoyed at. I mean, I kind of hate people in general,but that’s mostly the general population.  People who I love know I love them.

Don’t get me wrong…

I know I’m not the perfect catch, and I don’t want to be.  I don’t like people having high expectations of me (lol). But there’s this population of people on Tinder that genuinely irks my nerve not because of their face, but what’s in their “about me”.  I kind of feel bad though because half of the people I would swipe right on, fall into this realm because in the past I would just swipe without reading the profile.  Shame on myself!

Anywho, these people are the worst kind of people on Tinder…

1. “All Lives Matter”

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Just…….just don’t. If you don’t understand the meaning behind Black Lives Matter and you’re just saying “All Lives Matter” because you think BLM only means ONLY black lives matter, you are totally missing the point and you are working to invalidate the fact that people of color are being mistreated at the hand of the police and judicial system in general.

Also,  if all lives mattered why the hell does it seem like you don’t care about black lives?

ALSO Also, this kind of sets off my racist radar.

2. “Trump Supporter”

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HOW?!?!? No…seriously, how? How does this even make sense?  Not only is he a dumb, misogynistic asshole of a person, Donald Trump represents a party that definitely has issue with the LGBTQ community. Even if he doesn’t have a problem with LGBTQ people, the fact that both, you and he supports a party that shows constant hate against our community makes me sad.  You’re LGBTQ…come on…

3. “Young Professional”

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You’re damn near 35. Drop the “young”. Half of your colleague workforce is probably younger than yourself.  Also, there are more ways to be vague about what you do on a day to day basis.  I’m starting to have more respect for the “Self-employed” crowd. (That’s a whole other rant there) Actually…

4. People who put “Self-employed” on their profile but don’t explain what that really means.

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For all I know, you’re a drug dealer and I don’t have time for this.  Or you’re unemployed and just don’t want to seem like a failure.  Or you’re just now on a new venture and quit your job of 20 years because you got tired of it, but don’t really have a business plan of where you’re going.  How hard is it to say “Owner of _______”.  That will get a Right Swipe in a heartbeat if it sounds reasonable.

5. Any phrase describing how “masc” you are and how you only like “masc” guys.

Nobody needs your self-hating, divisive attitude around here.  We all have preferences, but don’t be out here judging a book by it’s cover.

6. Pictures of everything but your face.

I mean…obviously

7. Any hint at the fact that you THOROUGHLY enjoy the gym more than eating (Loving them equally is OK though).

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I know gym heads like to eat, but for the type that likes to eat chicken. Bland chicken. For every meal. The same way. Every day. For ever and ever. AMEN. Gots ta go.

I have nothing against the gym-heads though.  I used to be addicted to the gym, but I just have a problem when people start to judge me for not going.  Yes, I know I could probably use it, but let me “live my best life” ok?.

8. “I don’t like filling these out” or “I never know what to say here”

AKA, I’m boring.

Honestly, this wasn’t a problem before I started “The Tinder Experiment” but adding this to my rules actually helped me avoid a bunch of fuckboys. ESPECIALLY if you have 5 photos and your Instagram linked and all of your Spotify songs selected. Just saying.  No “About Me” basically means that you don’t know what you’re looking for or you’re just too lazy to fill it out. Which again, confuses me if you fall into the category of having EVERYTHING linked to your profile.  It’s just bad.

If you’re just trying to hook up, say it.  If you’re bored, say it. If you don’t know what you’re doing here, say it.  A blank profile means nothing and as a result, will get nothing in return.  There’s plenty of pretty faces out there on Tinder that would love to share a bit about themselves.

9. Having an obviously fake name, or some ridiculous nickname on your profile

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If I can’t at least find you on Facebook with your “name”, it’s going to be a no from me.

 

10. All of your profile pics are group pics of you and your friends and family

I’m just going to think you’re the ugliest one in the pic. Plain and simple. And then you have the nerve to link your instagram, and your IG profile pic is some nature scene, and all of your pics are group pics in there as well.  Obviously I could go through the process of elimination and eventually narrow you down, but who wants to do all that work.

If you’re ugly, work that shit. Be ugly confident!
/Rant

 

What are some things that will certainly earn a “Left Swipe” for you?

The Tinder Experiment (update)

It’s been about 4 days since the start of this experiment and I will be totally honest;

THIS IS A BAD IDEA

The original rules were too restricting and just made me want to swipe more, unmatch unnecessarily, and just freak out in general when I wouldn’t get a response when I felt like I should have.  So, there have been some changes made to the rules.

For those who can’t remember or just don’t know, here are the rules (updated rules in bold):

  1. Only have a conversation with 3 people at a time. 
    • If I am having genuine conversation with all 3, I can not swipe any more to attempt to match with additional people. 
  2. Being that people don’t always auto-match with whomever you swipe right on, I’m giving myself up to 5 right swipes in a 24 hour period. (I will be working on the Honor System lol).
    • The 5 right swipe rule may cause some problems being that if I swipe right 5 times and they all end up coming back as matches.  If this ever happens, at that time I must make a decision on who I want to focus on and unmatch the other people.
    • However, if one of the 5 matches messages me first, I must respond to them.  I can still keep the other matches in my queue at that point, but I must make a decision on if I will pursue further within a day.
  3. I cannot swipe right on someone with no details in their “About Me”.
  4. I’m able to swipe right on individuals who have just one sentence in their “About Me”, but it has to catch my eye and not be some boring ass shit.
  5. If there’s any doubt on the person I’m looking at, I HAVE TO Swipe Left on them.  It could be the sexiest person in the world; If there’s doubt, swipe left. (Reason being is because that doubt will cause me to continue swiping, sequentially breaking my first rule. Especially if I run out of right swipes for the day).
  6. If I match with someone, send a message, and no communication is made within 24 hours, I am free to unmatch, and continue to swipe right and start another conversation.
  7. Once there has been three consecutive days of no contact even after having genuine conversation, I MUST unmatch to keep things tidy and avoid conversing with multiple people at the same time.
  8. I can unmatch at any time.
  9. Messaging someone multiple times to get their attention is not allowed. If you have responded already, you have to wait. They must respond on their own free will.

Current issues I’ve run into

Anxiety from waiting to see if the person responds. Especially if they take a super long time. This is why the change was made to rule 1.

People who are clearly just “looking for friends” (normal or fwb). Am I auto left swiping these guys or nah? (I still haven’t made a decision on this. I may swipe right now since I’m giving myself 3 conversations now)

Accidental right swipes. (Do they count?)

Unmatching just for the sake of moving on so you can get to other matches quicker; Which sort of circumvents the process here, but also allows you to talk to someone that genuinely wants to talk to you rather than people who use Tinder as a time passer.

Unmatching seems like you’re doing a bad deed. Its very hard, especially if the person seems nice.

Pet peeves

(you know, since I’m actually paying attention to profiles now)

EVERYONE’S a young professional. 🙄 Jesus, use a better phrase to describe yourself.
(Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with being a young professional, but at this point just tell me what you do if you want people to know you have a decent job) 

A lot of people love to hike or work out.
(This is no longer an indicator of if I’m attracted to you or not)

Nobody really knows what they want
(Even myself)

A lot of people seem to thing that filling out the “About Me” is trivial…

I think I’m expecting too much. Lol

 

All in all…

I think I’ve matched with about 6 people since starting this. 1 unmatched me (probably an accidental swipe right, lol). I unmatched 1 (due to the 24 hour no response rule), and another 1 I unmatched even after having ok conversation with, but I felt like he was just bored (maybe that one was a mistake).

The other three, well, I’m talking to them.  Nothing exciting to report though.  I’m working on weaning myself off of the application due to the fact that I don’t want it to start controlling my life.  I have a lot of free time so it’s easy to get consumed into it.


Be sure to follow the craziness or lack of…who knows. All of my posts will be categorized under The Tinder Experiment so you should be able to follow each post there and keep up with if this is a major success or a total failure.

The Tinder Experiment

There are a TON of “hook-up” and “dating” apps out there right now and it’s almost overwhelming.  I’ve been on many of them for the past 1, 2, 3…5 years, and it’s pretty much been the same thing over and over. You “match”, hang out, maybe even date for a little bit and then it never really becomes anything. Obviously, that’s not the case for everyone.  There are a few people out there who’ve been lucky enough to find their love using these apps, but see…

I’m different…or just like everybody else, depending on whoever you ask, I guess…

We see a smorgasbord of opportunity and the FOMO gets real.  The ease of swiping right has presented this conundrum of being able to meet the one you really click with, but then, you just don’t stop there. You keep going and keep matching and honestly just get the pleasure of matching with people you think that are attractive.  What’s the Pringle’s slogan? “Once you pop, you can’t stop”?  Yeah, that’s pretty much Tinder; For me, anyway.

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So, the experiment…

Match with one person at a time…

Yes…It’s just that simple!. Swipe until I swipe right and match with one person, and then genuinely have a conversation until I determine if they are right or wrong for me.  Easy enough right? OH! and I’m not allowed to swipe right on anyone who doesn’t have anything in their “About Me”.

Sounds like a piece of cake right?  Well….there are rules and the Official Rules are as follows:

  1. Only have a conversation with one person at a time!
  2. Being that people don’t always auto-match with whomever you swipe right on, I’m giving myself up to 3 right swipes in a 24 hour period. (I will be working on the Honor System lol).
    • The 3 right swipe rule may cause some problems being that if I swipe right three times and they all end up coming back as matches.  If this ever happens, at that time I must make a decision on who I want to focus on and unmatch the other people.
    • However, if one of the 3 matches messages me first, I must respond to them.  I can still keep the other matches in my queue at that point, but I must make a decision on if I will pursue further within a day.
  3. I cannot swipe right on someone with no details in their “About Me”.
  4. I’m able to swipe right on individuals who have just one sentence in their “About Me”, but it has to catch my eye and not be some boring ass shit.
  5. If there’s any doubt on the person I’m looking at, I HAVE TO Swipe Left on them.  It could be the sexiest person in the world; If there’s doubt, swipe left. (Reason being is because that doubt will cause me to continue swiping, sequentially breaking my first rule. Especially if I run out of right swipes for the day).
  6. If I match with someone, send a message, and no communication is made within 24 hours, I am free to unmatch, and continue to swipe right and start another conversation.
  7. Once there has been three consecutive days of no contact, even after having genuine conversation, I MUST unmatch to keep things tidy and avoid conversing with multiple people at the same time.
(Note: I know these rules aren’t fool proof, and there are some inconsistencies/contradictions, but I’m working on it!)

Most people, myself included, would continue to swipe right until the end of time and end up matching with endless amounts of people.  Then, in most cases, people will let them sit there and  just wait for their matches to fight for our attention until we find a worthy person to meet.  But that brings up another concern though.  There are SO MANY people on Tinder that nobody gives genuine attention because you have Jimmy, Timmy and Bob over there in your DMs thirsty as hell and ready to go.

This is a terrible approach if you want to genuinely and seriously date. So this is why I’ve come up with this experiment…and it’s more so a test for myself, really.

And yes, I know that the other party I match with will probably not be doing the same thing but hopefully I’m interesting enough to gain their attention, keep it and hopefully they’ll keep mine as well.  I don’t want to be 39 still swiping on these dumb applications because I’m worried about the next one.  I refuse!

But there are some possible/realistic setbacks…

  • I am at peak swipe mode while drinking and for you all that know me, know I love my beer.
  • I get bored SUPER easily, which is one reason why I continue to swipe even after matching.
  • I’m super picky. This could be a good thing, but also could be a bad thing.  Like, I feel like I’d stop talking to someone because I still have that FOMO looming. Almost as if I’d just make an excuse to unmatch and swipe on to the next one.

Sure, I already hear “Your first problem is trying to find love on an app! Go out to a club or bar or something”.  First of all, I am not asking for your opinion on this in the first place. I’ve met plenty of people out in public and it’s hard given the fact that people only want to go home with you at the end of the night instead of genuinely getting to know you.

So here it is…resetting my Tinder for the fifty-leventh time! Let’s see how this goes. Be sure to check for updates!

 

 

“Hey, Stranger” Season

As the weather tries to get cooler (we are struggling here in NC for some reason), as the colors on the leaves change to their beautiful oranges and golds, and as Christmas music and decorations seem to have exploded onto the shelves and radio stations, I have been quickly reminded that “hey, stranger” season has arrived as well. 

Like ghosts of semi relationships past, i have received four “hey, stranger” text or direct messages this week. Actually five but one was from an actual friend just checking in so I don’t hold it against him. 


So what is a “hey, stranger” text you ask? Well first off, if you have to ask, consider yourself blessed since you’ve never received one! Side note before we get started, if Ruby Rose ever sent me a “hey, stranger” text any advice or thoughts that follow this sentence go out the window! So back to the matter at hand. A “hey, stranger” text is any message you get randomly  from any person you may have once been even the slightest bit interested in whether romantically or otherwise but for what ever reason it didn’t work out. Maybe they ran off and found someone else and got married. Maybe they ghosted you only to pop up now because they realize you’re amazing. Maybe they are currently married and failed to mention that before flirting with you. Maybe they snored so bad you slept in your car the last time you saw them and for that and several other reasons it would never work but now that they are getting old they realize they were an idiot and want to try again. Maybe these are true stories, maybe they aren’t. Either way, these relationships, or semi-relationships, did not work out for one reason or another but for some reason as the whether changes so do peoples feelings and memories so they think it’s a good idea to contact you out of the blue. 


And that’s the issue. It’s totally random and out of the blue. You’ve been minding your business for weeks, months, years and they’ve decided that’s a good indicator that you want to hear from them. 


If you’re anything like me a few things happen when the text appears or  the DM comes through. 1. You are slightly confused as to who the person is because you have either deleted their number or erased them from your memory. 2. An epic battle takes place between being a bitch or politely telling them to go back from whence they came. 


If you’re also like me you usually try to politely tell them to go away which always ends badly. They don’t understand politeness. They see it as weakness and they still try to sneak in. So then you ultimately have to be a bitch anyways to get them to go away. 


So I’ve written this as a warning. To my kindred spirits who find that each year as cuffin’ season approaches you receive an onslaught of unwanted “hey, stranger” text, I say to you: stay strong! It’s not worth it! They will disappear as quickly as they came once it starts to warm up again. You deserve better. You are better. Say it like a mantra every morning in the mirror until you believe it if you don’t. 


And for those of you who are considering sending a “hey, stranger” text. 


You had your chance. You blew it. It’s okay. We most likely aren’t mad (or maybe we are so consider that before texting) but we don’t want to hear from you. Go find someone new and live your best life, just leave us out of it!!!! 



I don’t know how else to say it. People who send any version of the “hey, stranger” text are some of the worst kind of people. 

Because I Desire a Life Partner, Doesn’t Mean I Haven’t “Worked on Me” AKA: Stop Coming for Me When I Haven’t Sent For You

I have dozens of times a day where I stare at my phone, computer, and most importantly, other people with a blank stare, because I did not send for them, and yet, they came for me (or someone I love).

The one thing people keep coming for me is around being single and having the audacity to desire a romantic relationship; and GET THIS, actually actively work towards having one. Oh, and then when I get dumped, ghosted, catfished, or another date goes horribly wrong, most times, I actually feel some type of way about it – sad, angry, upset, disappointed, despair, and a little hopeless about my love life. You know, normal shit when your heart breaks or cracks a little, normal HUMAN emotions, that all humans feel, or so I thought. Because apparently, you’re not allowed to feel these things, or should let the dust fall off your shoulder, because if not, that is indicative of the fact that you haven’t spending enough time working on myself, focusing on my career, and loving myself.

Wait, what?

Maybe you’re confused about what I mean here, because I did just kind of ramble off a bunch of thoughts. I’m talking about whenever you communicate your desire to have a partner, frustrations with the process, and wanting to be loved by a romantic person in your life, people hit you with well-meaning cliches that insinuate your lack of self-awareness and growth. Things like:

“You really should take this time to focus on yourself and grow, so you can be ready for him.”

“This time in your life should be focused on your career/education/financial/health/physical growth, not a man.”

“You can’t expect anyone to love you until you love yourself.”

“Maybe the universe/God/Buddha/Allah/the Saints are telling you that you are not ready, you need to do more work on yourself.”

“Fix yourself first.”

Fine. Whatever. Good advice in its own right. You SHOULD always be focusing on yourself and growing, EVEN when you’re in a relationship. And sure, there are some people who are not ready for a relationship for all kinds of reasons. However, what you’re not going to do (or shouldn’t do) is ASSUME this is true for everyone, including myself. Hardly any of my gorgeous, handsome, talented, intelligent friends are sitting at home solely focused on a mate, not pursuing or haven’t pursued further education, not thinking about and improving at least one of the three types of health – spiritual, physical or mental, skipping work, and not going out, or only doing those things to catch a partner. NOT ONE.

And I know myself the best, so I’ll share about myself. I workout, I have been in therapy to better understand the supposed brokeness that folks have said I needed to fix before a relationship (still not fixed, btw, but improving and will be lifelong), I have a masters degree and a great job, and am always looking to grow my career and have moved 3 times in the past 5 years to pursue my dreams with no thought of not taking a job because the dating pool is hella small in upstate NY or Wisconsin. I strive for excellence in my job and am always looking for ways to grow (I guess I’m kinda working on the professional thing). I travel. I go out with friends. I go see friends and enjoy laughing with them. I do things alone – anything I want to do! I spend time reading and writing. I think about my spiritual self and where I want to go with that and how (still figuring that out, but lots of work being done there). I cook, craft, bake, and write, aka I have hobbies. I leave my house often. I meal prep, take my meds, read about ways to improve my health and take actionable steps. In other words, I am working on my damn self and have done a helluva lot of work on me. Me 5 years ago, is dramatically differently than me today, and this is wholly positive. I have learned lessons from prior relationships and heartaches, and I know what I want, need, and deserve from love. I am not looking for anyone to complete me, but rather complement me, which is a big lesson we all could learn. I still have my challenges and areas of growth. But guess what? I could work on myself for 30 more years and I promise, will STILL have those. Working on yourself, loving yourself, that is not mutually exclusive with wanting a partner and dating and loving them. They are two processes that inform each other at times, yes, and perhaps you need some baseline of self-efficacy to not be co-dependent, but they are not mutually exclusive.

One thing that I will share is that those phrases I listed above hurt, and at the very least, annoy people. For a long time, I carried a belief I was so inherently flawed, that no one could love me. Some of this was due to a history of trauma. And I worked and still work really hard to not allow that trauma rule my life, and especially my love life. The work I continue to put into myself around this is one of my greatest personal accomplishments. I am so very proud of myself (another post, another time). And when people say to me, “perhaps you should work on yourself first, instead of seeking a partner,” all I hear is that the work I have done is not good enough, that my flaws will always be too big for romantic love. Maybe you think that is dramatic or indicative of my own issues, but I’d ask you all to consider that before you say that to someone. You have no idea how much work people have put and are putting into themselves to make themselves better. To tell someone when they talk about the very real and very human frustrations of modern day dating and the human desire to have love, that they should “use this time to work on themselves instead” is to say to someone, “you are not good enough as you are. You must be perfect to be loved,” which ultimately denies them their humanity.

So, please miss me with the fix yourself first BS.

Thank Me Later: Things NOT To Do On and/or After A First Date

I would call myself a pretty well-seasoned first dater. I have been on a lot of first dates. Which may say something about myself or the people I’ve gone on dates with, but nevertheless, I think I am an amateur expert on them. And I’ve gathered a lot of stories about what not to do, and the ain’t shitness of people on first dates. And thus, I’ve compiled this list for you to help you be a better first dater and ultimately, a better human being. Because these are things you should not do in order to just not be a complete asshole. Ok, let’s begin.

Please DO NOT…

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1) Show up late without letting the other person know, and anything over 15-20 minutes unless it is an extreme emergency, like your family is dying or something (in case of extreme emergency, please just cancel) is charting into rude territory. Especially if you picked the time. I once had a guy show up 1.5 hours late (I am way too kind, my ass should have left after 30) and looking like last night. Which brings me to point number 2…

2) Put a little effort into how you look for the date. Like, you don’t need to be movie star-ish, but you shouldn’t look like you just rolled out of bed and that you just dgaf about life. Like this is someone’s time! It’s respect to look decent. Again, I’m not saying anything about brand names, make up, dresses, slacks, etc… but looking like you took time to shower and dress (unless you agreed on meeting after the gym or at the gym or at a mud race), is kinda important.

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3) Order for the other person. Just don’t do it. Just don’t. It was sweet maybe 60 years ago when women had no rights and we had to eat what you wanted us to eat. Now if either person does it for the other person, it just seems you are insulting their ability to read a menu or know what they want. If they ask for a suggestion or for you to order them something, that’s different. But if they don’t. Just don’t. Like never. Like do I seriously have to tell you this? Apparently, cause it has happened to me.

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4) Not talk at all or very minimally. There is no rule saying you have to like the person you are with. But if they are a decent human and you decide to finish the date, be nice and polite. If you can’t stand the thought of spending another moment with the idiot across from the table, excuse yourself from the date politely.

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5) And if someone excuses themselves because it isn’t working for them, accept that. Let them go. Either they are delusional and completely wrong, and why would you want to date them? Or you’re an asshole. In which case, why would they want to date you? Get over it. We are adults.

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6) Mention your money hardships on the date that you invited the person to and you picked the place. It’s uncomfortable for everyone. If you’d like to go dutch, mention it before the date, in a nice and polite way. Or suggest a free date, like a walk, a movie in the park, or a local festival. Research fun, inexpensive or free things to do in your town. It’s a Google search. You use it for cat videos and memes, use it for this. Put some effort into it.

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7) Make any comments about a person’s appearance that is not positive. You do not have to be attracted to a person. And in the world of online dating, it `happens – people don’t look like their pictures sometimes. If it’s a true catfish – use your back up plan (a friend who knows where you are, your exit strategy) to get out immediately. But if it is the more common, you kinda look like your pictures, but you took them in shadows, and I was drunk swiping anyway, or my friend does not understand my taste in people and this blind date sucks big time, don’t tell the person they are fatter, uglier, thinner, *insert any physical adjective* than what you thought. You are a completely awful human being. We all are humans. We have insecurities. You are not expected or required to find this other person attractive and date them. You are expected to be a decent human. Finish the date. Make it short. But be fucking kind please. Dates are nerve wrecking for most of us, especially those aren’t super models like obviously those who are throwing stones.

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8) Pretend like you’ve been dating the person forever and claim they are yours. This is weird. You also don’t know if they like you. Also, don’t tell bartenders wait staff, other people around that we have been dating forever. This is annoying on a first date and not cute. Why are you embarrassed to be on a first date? Also, I will call you out.

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9) Feel obligated to take this date anywhere beyond where it is at the date. You are not obligated to sleep with this person (but you can if you want to, forget what society says), have another date, talk to them after the date, kiss them, like them, or anything else. It’s totally ok and quite normal to feel absolutely nothing, even if they are generally nice and you had a nice time.

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10)Pressure someone else to take the date anywhere beyond where it is. If you think they are feeling you and you want to know if they would like to go for a slice of pizza, coffee, drink, cuddles, or sex. Ask how they feel about it in a non threatening way that allows the other person to say no. If they say no, don’t blow up or get sad. Communicate you understand. Also, read #8, they may not be feeling you. It’s ok. Your ego will be hurt. That’s ok. You will be ok. I promise. Go eat ice cream, drink wine, or be those weird people and work out to deal with it. And then go swiping again. Or go meet people however other people meet people, but I don’t know how to do that, so just do you.

11) This is related to #9. After the date, the person may not like you like that. They may think, well, he/she/they would be a great friend or not like you at all or want to marry you. It’s ok to attempt to gain clarity around that. RESPECT their decision. Again, get ice cream/wine/exercise/vent to a friend if you need to. But don’t lash out against them, especially if they were kind enough to let you know. If they avoid you, you can try one more time maybe, but then move on. It becomes stalking. Some people don’t want to tell you in person. And I used to feel strongly that they should. But now I don’t anymore, and I’ll tell you why. After attempting to be a mature, kind human, and tell people how I feel, I have gotten a lot of aggressive responses when I say no. It’s scary and a headache and you feel like shit for just being human and not being attracted to them. I still try to practice this, but I get how that can be really damaging for folks and even, scary. Hence why I say, respect what folks say or do. Similarly, if they are ignoring you or giving you short answers, boo boo, they just ain’t that into you.

These are some of the top offenders from my and other people I know experiences. Bottom line: be a good human please. Are there any I’ve missed? Drop them below in the comments.