What is Intimacy?

I am plagued by a deep desire for intimacy and connection within all of my relationships and friendships. I call this a plague because often people are not taught to be intimate and vulnerable with one other, and particularly in heterosexual romantic partnerships and so it feels like a curse most of the time.** While I’ve had success with intimacy with my female friends, men, on the other hand, continue to be a challenge.

When I say intimacy, I am not describing something that necessarily is sexual. I am describing the gentle way in which we lean into one another for support, care, and safety. I am describing the desire to know someone beyond their outer shell and take the time to understand someone from their perspective. I am describing curiosity, and genuine love for another human being, because you can see their light that connects them to you. I am describing empathy, placing yourself in their shoes and relaying to them, that you too are human. I am talking about soft kisses on foreheads and lips, arm caresses with no expectation, and soothing hugs. I suppose this is an emotional type of intimacy.

It seems to me, at least in my experiences, intimacy is often a second hand thought or something expected to be a by-product of everything except vulnerability, and often, derived from sex. My experience has been that sex alone rarely leads to intimacy; that intimacy is intentional, requires more work, and requires a certain aspect of emotional availability and maturity than sex. This quote speaks to me about that.

“It’s easy to take your clothes off and have sex; people do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them in your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, and dreams – that’s being naked.”

We aren’t truly naked enough with each other and yet, we want and expect others to be physically naked with us. We do this often with false promises of true nakedness that never comes; “Let’s see where this goes” or “go with the flow.” Sex itself is just sex, and perhaps in some circumstances, a gateway to intimacy, but it has never been that for me. Perhaps it is the way my brain has been wired – part genetics, partly influenced by trauma – but to trust someone who has only seen me physically, but does not make an effort to know my spiritually and mentally (and I’m not talking about religion here, I’m talking about my inner being), is near impossible for me.

I have never had sex with someone that I felt intimately connected to in my adult life. Sure, I’ve loved them. But I did not feel the intimate connection that allows sex to transcend the physical and become something supernatural. I have never had a man try to get know me, understand my intricacies and apply that to how he loved and cared for me, both in practice and in sex. In turn, I have never felt 100% safe with a partner. I am admitting this now, but it is painful and weird to say that out loud and to the world. And I know that the key to this is a deeper level of intimacy. But how do we even go about building this? Does this even exist?

I wrote a post recently about the love I crave and I think within that are many metaphors describing what my ideal relationship; freedom, independence, interdependence, passion, and also intimacy. I once had a garden and although a lot of work, it never felt that way, because I loved the work it took to tend to it. I felt connected to it. I spent time looking at it, admiring it, learning about it, and trying to listen to what it was that it was saying that it needed. I gave it quite a bit of my attention and enjoyed sitting with it quietly. It also made me laugh and we had hiccups here and there, and we recovered together. Growing a garden is a very intimate affair, whether you know it or not. And truly committing to a relationship also requires this (and likely more) great deal of intimacy – at least for someone like me.

I wish that we could learn more about what it means to be intimate with one another and not to shy away from it. I wish we could see that some of us need safety and intimacy to thrive, and understand how that contributes to an invaluable amount of love. And for some of us, that fertile ground of intimacy and safety, can lead to the best sex, and even more worthwhile, love of your life. That every time you say, we can’t be more emotionally intimate because we just met, and yet expect someone to disrobe for you and be fully present for sex, in some ways you diminish the ways that sex can be intimate, that each time I try to tell you something about me or is core to my life, and you quickly switch to asking me about the color of my panties or sexual fantasy, to every time you kiss or touch me with only an intention to have sexual relations, that you create more distance, that you get further from your goal, that I mentally dismiss you, and for some of us, you may even make us feel used or detached.

I am not sure I can convince many of you of this. We live in hook up and fast paced culture that seems to often place higher value on pace and quantity, and well, sex feels good. I am not saying that every encounter should or ought to be intimate, that there is no place for hookups and one night stands (trust me, there are places and reasons for this), but rather, I am offering that should we ever want anything more substantial, we have to become more substantial. I’m saying connection still matters. I’m also offering to those who feel like me, that they are too deep, too introspective, too intimate, that you are not alone. I’m offering to all my many clients who have struggled with meaningless encounter after another, that I understand.

I do not know if I will find this intimacy in a romantic relationship. If not, I don’t know if I can ever fully commit to a person romantically. I may have to be content in my close friend circle that provides me emotional intimacy without any conditions. I consider myself lucky to have that. I cannot imagine how some people go through life without it. To me, it seems like a zombie or a shell of a life, not fully realized. I hope for you all, that you find intimacy.

**I have a hunch from discussions with my friends that this may be true in other types of partnerships as well, but I can only authentically speak from my experience, which romantically have been heterosexual. I’m interested in how this differs for others though!.

I Finally Understand the Relationship I Crave

I first encountered this question with one of my favorite therapists. She asked me, “LeAnna, what kind of relationship do you want?” And said, for her, “it would be like my favorite pair of blue jeans, worn in, comfortable, and comforting.”  I thought that was one of the most beautiful things I had ever heard and so, I tried that on for fit. It was a delightful notion, but didn’t quite fit what was the relationship that would be best for me. Yet and still, I continued for years to wrestle with that question.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. And today, I came into the realization of what the relationship is that I crave. I am looking for a relationship that allows me to be the wildflower or wild fruit I have always been. Some people call me a free spirit, some an exception, some weird, some zesty or wistful, and others throw their hands up in exasperation as they do not know WHAT I am. I think I am a wild fruit with many branches, stems, and odd fruit, that does not wish to be confined or defined. I am not meant to be a fenced in flower, I am not a dainty rose, I am not flowers that grow in neat rows that bare no fruit but are stunning, and I am not a weed to be plucked. And I need a relationship that is a garden large enough to allow me to grow as I please.

This relationship would not try to confine me, would give me the space to sprawl my long greenery all over the dirt, grow over any fences, destroy fences that stunt my growth, and tends to me with the tender loving kindness that gardeners use to tend to their bounty. Providing nurturing and support when necessary, but never critical or blaming when the bounty does not reach their expectations, and instead thrilled with what it blooms in its own unique space, admiring its unexpected colors or fruits.

A love that is careful when entering the garden to not stomp or destroy the wild flowers of my being, but not too careful as it understands that as a wild fruit, I am capable of a persisting in the worst conditions, but am better when provided the best conditions. A love that respects my ever persisting and fierce life force, but understands that even the wildest among us needs sustenance.  A love that possesses the understanding  that a garden that wilts needs water, love, nurture, and sunshine, rather than criticism, neglect, or coldness. Who understands that a wilted garden does not have to die, but can thrive when shown a little tenderness, and often comes back tenfold in its produce.

I crave a love that understands that my roots run deeper, wider, and across spans of a universe that they cannot see, and yet, takes the time to study and learn how a wild flower like me can produce sweet fruit, and puts each new tidbit of knowledge into practice. A love that understands that wild flowers cannot be tamed or controlled, they can only be nurtured and loved. And that in return for your understanding, I will reward this love with the sweetest fruits, sustenance for his vitamin deprived heart, and a beauty that has little to do with physical appearance, but the very essence of what it means to live. My fruit is versatile, can be used to cure the ailing of broken hearts and to nourish the sickest of men – if only allowed to be wild and free, with a gentle guard of protection and a tender form of care.

My perfect relationship is a garden, and I, the wildflower. The gardener and I take care of nourishing one another, never expecting each other to be any one other than we are. He would love me to grow into the most magnificent part of myself, never worrying about if I outgrow or shine him, as we both will know, the flower is a direct reflection of his care, nurture, and ability to allow me to be a wild flower. While his health, resilience, and stature is a direct reflection of my ability to provide him with the nourishment of my fruit.

This is what I crave.

“The Fuckboy Back-Out”


The Fuckboy Back-Out: When someone declares that they are not “looking for anything serious” but then proceeds to have a somewhat intimate and sometimes exclusive type of relationship with another party. Only to declare that they weren’t looking for anything serious to begin with once feelings become involved. 

I’ve been guilty of doing the fuckboy back-out. Maybe not in the case of the exact description above, but I have done it.  I’ve had some sort of connection with someone, but then realized that it was something I didn’t want to be in, so I decided to end things.  Details are unimportant at this time however, anyway you put it, I’m guilty.  I don’t feel great about it and I’ve even apologized about it.  I know that I have fuckboy tendencies. My blogger friends here at ATOTC remind me about it all the time.  I’ve learned from my past and hope to never be a fuckboy of this caliber ever again.

I still have some things to work on. lol

But with that said…

Stop playing with my fucking emotions!


Don’t tell me that you are not looking for anything serious after I tell you I’m interested in meeting someone long-term and then ask come home with me after meeting you (OK so this is probably all initially my fault anyways)


Don’t lay in my bed for hours kissing and cuddling the next morning if you aren’t looking for anything serious.

Don’t text me asking me out on a Brunch date two days later if you aren’t looking for anything serious.

Don’t text me upset that I didn’t invite you to dinner when I tell you I’m having one of your favorite meals if you aren’t looking for anything serious.

As a matter of fact…Don’t text me like you enjoy talking to me all the time if you aren’t looking for anything serious. We ain’t friends.

Don’t ask me out to dinner if you aren’t looking for anything serious.

Don’t come over to my house, cuddle under my blanket, and fall asleep watching TV if you aren’t looking for anything serious.

Don’t ask to stay at my house because you are about to go on a long trip for work if you aren’t looking for anything serious.

I am NOT here to be your convenient boyfriend.  No, you CAN NOT have your cake and eat it too.


This would be the second time in less than a year, that I’ve dealt with this.   I meet someone, they don’t want anything serious, but I’m invited to places, I go. We have fun.  I’m taking them places.  We’re laughing and having a good time.  I tell them I like them. He responds back with “I like you too”. But then he starts to make subtle comments about how he’s single and isn’t really looking for anything.

But that’s only if I’m lucky.

Most guys that are guilty of the fuckboy back-out make no mention of how they want to be single.  This is so they can keep riding the wave and then say “I never said that” or “I was just having fun” or “Why are you assuming things” or whatever the hell other excuse they can use because they never specifically stated anything.


But for the ones that do continue to conveniently remind me, I know what they’re doing.  They’re saying this just to “check” me.  Ohhh yeah, that’s right.  You don’t want me to be your boyfriend, but you’re such a good guy.  How can I deny you that you want to still hang out with me and have “fun”.

And you know what? My dumb ass sticks with it.


And I KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON. THE. WHOLE. TIME. But my dumb ass brain operates terribly when it comes to feelings. All of that dopamine and bullshit in my head that the science people be talking about makes me forget my name sometimes.  I’m an emotional guy (as most of you know), but these type of moments tend to cater to my “throw caution to the wind” attitude, so all I be thinking is “who cares if this isn’t going to be a thing, I’m enjoying myself!”.

I’m Over it!



I’ve finally learned from my past fuck ups. Fuck your “I’m not looking for anything”. That’s your cop out.  Your official “Fuckboy Back-Out”.  Because, how is it that you want to spend all of your time with me; You spend money on me; I spend money on you; And you don’t want to be “exclusive”? Why? Because you want to fuck around?  You can’t handle having a title? You think being in a relationship is lame? Fine. If you want to do that, do that. But when it’s all said and done, leave my space because I’d rather spend money on my damn self.

At this point I should know better. And I think I do, actually.  I’ve finally learned to bow out gracefully when the signs are there.  And you best be sure, I know these signs now.  So when you want to go to dinner, then stop by my place afterwards then decide to spend the night.  That’s going to be a no.  When you text me, asking me what I’m doing because you’re “bored”.  Bored better mean “horny at the moment and I’ll be on my way afterwards”.  Because from now on, there ain’t no cuddling shit going on around here.  Those are reserved.

Because I’m a master cuddler.  Sorry, but not sorry that you’ll be missing out.


I am Tired Of Dating: Stop Screwing With People’s Emotions… And By People, I Mean Me!

This is a vent post. A wake up call to everyone out there fucking with everyone’s emotions. A comforting blanket for those crying and feeling alone and rejected by dating. A warrior call to those with strength to fuck shit up.

I am so fucking tired of people, and specific to my situation, straight men, doing whatever the hell they want with no repercussions while dating. They come in with no intention of caring for another, and perpetuate as if they may be capable, only to leave women, my friends, me, feeling confused, emotionally drained, defeated, and lately, in my case, pissed. And I’M OVER IT.

Yes, yes. I know. I should be invincible, not allow others to define my emotions, and basically be this woman who knows her worth and moves on unscathed. I do not know what super hero movie you think I’m from, but let me tell you one thing, knowing my worth has nothing to do with the feelings of despair and isolation you feel when people treat you like shit. I may be able to move on at some point and carry my head high, but if you are able to move on unscathed, please bestow your super hero powers on me. Me, I’m simply human and trying to keep myself sane.

For instance, the 5 past first dates I have had scheduled, have all flaked on me. Some have done the disappearing act on the day of. You know, nowhere to be found, number doesn’t work, and you never hear from them again. Luckily, you usually see this coming 24 hours in advance, feel crappy, order take in and/or wine, and stay home crying and texting your group chat about what is wrong with you.

The other type of flake is the set a date, be excited, text you less than 24 hours in advance, so you think it is going to happen. You buy a whole new fucking outfit, and he disappears about 12 hours before. You usually don’t show up for this one either, but this one hurts more and then next damn day, he has an excuse about his ____ dying, his house flooded, or in my situation, a car accident (in which I later learned happened waaaay before our date, he got ibuprofen for a “back injury,”and could totally have taken 2 seconds to text me he wasn’t going to make it). I’m (and you are) a nice person though, so you excuse that.

The last way to get flaked on (or in my situation, at least) is the worst. A guy who has committed one of the above offenses, shows up again and reschedules. He changes the venue an hour or two before to another city and you show up. And he never shows up, calls, or texts. AFTER being the car accident guy on the last date…

Screeeeeech. W. T. ENTIRE. F.

This one usually leads to drinking a lot at said bar meet up spot, trying not to cry, and lots of friends supporting you. But for me, this also lead to days of self doubt, internal warfare, and anger. Lots of it. You see, this came after all these failed attempts at first dates, from guys who seemed interested in me, and I don’t care what anyone tries to convince me otherwise, that shit HURT.

I’m also hurting from dating for many other reasons. I’m very annoyed with guys who want to date me but take no initiative, even if I lay it on the table and state my interest. I’m tired of everyone all the way up to 42 years damn old, not ready to settle down and are looking for “fun,” and come to wreck my life on dating sites despite my clear statement I’m looking for a long term relationship. I’m tired of their audacity to even become remotely upset, when I point that out. I’m tired of men who open up parts of me, only to disappear. Tired of men lying about simple shit, and when I call them out on it, play stupid and switch it back on me, leaving me no choice but to ignore their dumb “looking eyes” emojis when they try to pop up. In fact, I’m tired of the pop ups, please go away and I hate those damn “looking eyes.” I am tired if you flirting endlessly with me all night, hiding your left hand or not wearing your ring, only to tell me hours later that you’re married. I am tired of you realizing too late, I was the one who got away. I’m tired of broken promises strewn on the floor, like shattered glass – seemingly magnificent, but painful.

I’m tired of cisgender, heterosexual men setting the standards and rules of dating and being a woman, that if I don’t follow, rebel, or question, then I’m the crazy one.

Mostly, I’m tired. And I feel an uprising within me that grows stronger everyday. Men, particularly, black men, I love you, but you need to do fucking better. Because I am hearing the warrior call in all areas of my life, and I’m tired and ready for battle.

Dating is the worst…Confirmed

I’ve been pondering on if I should post this.  I wrote it about a month ago.  I just felt like if I stopped talking about Dating, then I’d get over it. HA! This is a follow up to the blog post Dating is the worst….Kind of…  (No this isn’t a solicitation to be hooked up with anyone. You know who you are! LOL) This will most likely be my last post like this about dating. Mostly because it’s a new year, and I’m trying to be a better me.

At the time that I wrote “Dating is the worst…Kind of…” I was just kind of in the middle of this in-and-out thing with someone and wasn’t really sure what things were between me and that person.  It was a great time, and I had fun, but after a while I starting thinking “hey, this is a good thing!” (You already know where this is going).  At the time I was “going with the flow”, like everyone always suggests. “If something is there then let it happen naturally” they say.  Sure, but how long do you have to wait before something starts to “happen naturally”?  At what certain point do you get tired of “going with the flow” after flowing for months and for some people, years?  It should go without saying that when feelings start to be involved, then that’s where things need to be looked at closer. And someone is always going to catch feelings…

I guess that’s where I fucked up.

As a pretty emotional person, I tend to let my feels get the best of me at times (a lot of times). And that’s not necessarily a bad thing but I do end up in bad situations a lot due to it.  In most cases, it’s when I feel like I need to throw caution to the wind due to being an over-thinker (Which is a terrible method and I’m trying to get back to my “fuck it all” ways; Even though I’ve officially embraced my “I got time” nature…I’m a little confused on things currently in this department).


I probably should have posted this sooner…

But I didn’t.  I thought I was over it.  And at the time I wrote this, I was still holding on for some dumb reason. We all know that not letting go only turns you into a angry, bitter, stalker.  And for some time, I was that person.  Angry at the fact that I let myself get into this position again.  Bitter at the fact that they continued to live life as if I barely even existed, and stalker because social media just makes it so easy; So I’m hoping for this to be my ultimate “let go” moment of this situation.

Dating is such a difficult process.  Without even realizing it, it’s something that can determine the trajectory of the rest of your life.  Just think, all it takes is one day to meet your future spouse. One person, a stranger even, could be the one you end up spending the rest of your life with.  Just one day.  I recently started thinking this way, and it let me to date a little more critically.  I used to date carelessly; Ok, lets be honest.  I used to hook up and then decide if they were viable candidates to spend the rest of my life with (a terrible business model).  It’s a trap I’ve been setting myself up for for YEARS and now I’m finally realizing it.  In my aforementioned post, this was literally my example of how I dated, and why I thought it was the worst.  But dating that way is cake compared to actually DATING someone.  It was easy back then but now, you get too involved and your emotions are all fucked afterwards.

Ever since starting “The Tinder Experiment”,  I’ve worked on changing my whole philosophy on dating because, to be frank; Just because the sex is good doesn’t mean that’s who I should be laying beside for the rest of my life.

So back then, dating was only the worst… “Kind of…” because I would feel like crap, but then pick myself back up by the bootstraps, download a hookup app and start searching for the next adventure and I would be fine.  But in my current situation, where I’ve actually started investing time in getting to know people on a more intimate level, dating actually gets difficult.  Yeah, sometimes things don’t work out, and that’s normal, but I’m talking about the times where you’re genuinely getting to know someone. You start getting to know them and enjoying time with that person and then it ends abruptly. And it just hurts like hell.  Because instead of just looking for your next fuck, you feel drained, hopeless at times because you’ve showed so much of yourself to this person for nothing.  It’s disheartening, and really damaging, honestly.

I blame the hook up apps…

But, actually, I blame myself.  I blame myself for a lot of different reasons that are too lengthy to list here, but I do.

I haven’t seriously talked to many people since. Well, I did, but things fell off.  I guess at this point it’s obvious that things fell off because of my previous experience.  I’m slightly scared, sure.  And it might sound like I’m complaining or whining, and maybe I am.  It’s just a part of the process.

So again, no, I’m not looking for encouraging words, or for you to hook me up with anyone (Tina! lol).  Reason being is because after going through so many dating situations, you start the think that you are the problem, and then you feel a little hopeless for a while, and then you don’t want to let anyone in, and you always think in your head that Karma is a bitch, and ultimately, you’re just tired.  Because who’s ready to exert that much time and energy into someone again already?   So to the guys I’ve talked to recently; I’m working on it, but…now you know.

So yeah, Dating is the worst…for now…

The Tinder Experiment (final update)






Ok Ok, it wasn’t dumb BUT, to be honest, I’ve never really legitimately dated.  It’s always been this whole “hook-up” thing, and then I’m like “hey I like you” and then they are like “Hey, I like you too” and then down the road…say like 3 months I find out that this probably isn’t what I wanted to sign up for and then I’m back at square one.  So this has really been kind of hard for me.

It’s been about  a month since I started “The Tinder Experiement” and I think that this is a long enough time to report back on my initial findings.  Things during the experiment were both good and bad. Before starting this I would swipe like a mad-man waiting for a match to happen.  Over time, I no longer stressed out about matching with people, nor did I freak out when people didn’t really text back immediately. It gave me a reason to be patient.  I wasn’t feeding off that instant gratification of matching with a million people and always having someone to talk to or respond to.  I focused on talking to 3 people at a time and as time went along my urge to swipe significantly decreased and honestly, I just stopped caring about matching with other people since I was spending valuable time getting to know someone else.  Maybe this was just an overall good way to ween myself off of the dating app completely.

Well… I thought…

The best thing about this experiment was realizing that vetting these guys by actually reading through their “About Me” profiles and being a little more critical about who I swiped right on due to the “only matching with three people at a time” rule has proven to be a tad effective. I’ve not matched with any fuckbois at all, and I’m able to have genuine conversation with people who want to learn more about me.  I just don’t feel like I’m wasting my time when logging onto the application.  It’s a great feeling.

With the Pros though, there are Cons.  Those mostly being that you get a lot of boring guys, and you can’t really avoid that.  Also, people may be busy, or just don’t use the app as much and that’s understandable, but you would think that if someone wanted to talk to you and found you interesting they’d talk to you more often.  With this said though, having the boring guys around has made it easier for me to not be addicted to Tinder and keep in mind you can always unmatch and keep it moving.

There’s no real say on if this is a bust or not, but if I compare it to how I used to treat Tinder, there would probably be a lot of wasted time and conversations in my message queue.  I’ve realized that I don’t have time for that so right now, I would say a slight success.  I’ve met a few genuine guys who just didn’t work out due to personality mismatches, mostly. I’m kind of particular.

So as of right now I think I’m hanging up the online app dating hat.  Even after going through hundreds of profiles and matching with about 20 guys, I’ve still not found that one that’s for me.  I can admit though, that this experience overall, has been the best experience I’ve had on Tinder for sure.  Just takes time.  What’s next?  I’m not sure.  Maybe I’ll just be content “loving me” and “getting to know myself” as the married and boo’d up people say. *Rolls Eyes*.



So This is 30!

I have officially entered the 30 club! Whoop whoop! I received about as close to a parade for my 30th birthday as possible. Thank you again to all my friends and family who showed up and showed out for little OLD me! As far as birthdays go it was pretty wonderful.

So now a time of reflection.

The last three decades have definitely been interesting. Living all over the world (or at least Europe) as a child, moving back to America as a pre-teen, middle school (ugh), high school, teen pregnancy, motherhood, college, grad school, first job, first counseling jobs, Love, heartbreak, Love again, heartbreak again, and ultimately self-love. Obviously a very condensed nutshell of my life so far.

Here are my hopes, dreams, prayers, demands, #goals for my 30’s:

Continued but unwavering self-love. I plan to love myself so much that the next time someone comes a long and it doesn’t work,or if no one comes a long at all, or if they do and it does work, that my love for myself does not waver or weaken or crumble. Honestly, this is a tough one.

More travel. Wether it’s around the world or up the street. I don’t care. Just do it. And take Taylor with.

Save money. This is an area I struggle with to the pits of my soul. But somethings gotta give.

One day make enough money to move out of my parents house but also still be able to afford to eat on a daily basis.

Do more things alone. I spent the last decade or so doing a lot of waiting for someone else to do things with. Autumns came and went where I didn’t go on awesome fall dates because there was no one to take me. Museums have been unvisited. Movies were left unseen. Restaurants were left untried. Because for some reason in my head, to do things alone was the ultimate form of sadness. My fellow bloggers write a lot about dating or dating experiments. Dating scares me. Maybe I will blog about my solo dates…hmmm.

Which leads me to,

Go on more dates. I honestly don’t know why the idea of going out with someone I don’t really know to well scares me but it does. Especially if this person was found on a dating app. People are crazy. I’m not trying to be no ones breaking news or lifetime movie. But, alas, it is the way the rest of the world works so it’s time to hop on board the dating train.

Find a workout/exercise/healthy living routine I actually enjoy. Kind of self explanatory really. Any suggestions?

Learn to knit things that aren’t rectangular. I knit a lot of scarves, blankets, things that look round but are really just rectangles sewn together. Gotta learn some advanced techniques.

Learn to leave people on “read.” This could probably be an entire blog post in itself and maybe one day it will be. But for now, just thinking of it as learning to walk away and not feel bad for doing so when relationships end or even just conversations.

So yea. I think that’s pretty much it. Pretty standard stuff really. Obviously the list has the ability to be adjusted and tweaked as needed. I feel like an official adult now! Not sure how I made it here but here I am. At the very least it should result in a few entertaining blog post!

What are/were your hopes, dreams, prayers, demands, #goals for your 30’s?