Disclaimer: I am writing this after getting a solid 15 minutes of sleep. I may feel differently when not sleep deprived, but since these thoughts are what kept me up, I’m not sure.
“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.”- Anonymous
Last night I laid awake, not in my own bed, tossing and turning while contemplating this saying. After what has become a pretty routine night of tv, cards, recapping the day, and genuinely great company, I could not fall asleep due to the realization that…I am a cow.
No, I am not beating myself up for my weight struggles. Yes, I have done that this weekend as I failed at what was supposed to be the easiest way to lose weight ever. This is not that post.
This post is a realization that it’s me, I am the problem. I have always been the problem.
Let’s be clear, I’m not out here acting crazy, keying dudes cars, calling girls phones, throwing fits and generally being a terrible person. Most men that I’ve dated have noted that I’m wonderful, amazing, and exactly what they should be looking for. Should being the key word. They aren’t, but they should be, and if they were, I would definitely be on the top of the list. Often times when they think they are looking for it, they pop back up. I’ve come to realize that even then they typically still aren’t. No matter how many chances you give them.
I can’t fault them for it. Everyone is entitled to their own level of readiness. Everyone is entitled to their own version of commitment. I’ve decided that the trick is finding someone who wants a version as similar as possible to the version you want. Until now, I didn’t realize how it important it was that they want that now and not later.
I am well aware of my dating history. I was there for all of it. I made all the decisions with a clear mind. I was not under the influence of any sort of drugs or alcohol. The only thing that clouded my judgment was the hope of love. For me, this is quite possibly more powerful than any drug.
And that’s the key to this whole thing. I have the tendency to dive head first into things, all for the chance of love. My entire life I was lead to believe that that was the way things go. You grow up. Along the way you meet someone. You vow to spend your life together. You have babies and you live happily ever after. Granted, I have done things out of order, but that doesn’t seem to stop other single moms from finding love. So I hold onto hope. And at a potential sign of possibility, I’m all in. It’s not healthy but it’s the way I am. The reality is, however, I’m 30, single and in yet another situationship.
Situationship: a situation that looks like a relationship but for one reason or another is not actually a relationship no matter how much you want it to be. Usually results in one person getting everything they want without much commitment and the other constantly questioning their self-worth.
I am always the other, and lately I’ve been struggling with the thought that it’s probably because I am the cow. I am giving away the milk for free. There is no need to buy.
What is the milk:
Someone who listens and genuinely cares, someone pretty to look at, laughter, entertainment, easy going, little to no drama, home cooked meals,tasty desserts, stability, maturity, consistency, friendship, acceptance, support, and sometimes, what people think of first when they hear that saying, sex.
To me, I am not giving these things away without thought. If someone is getting them it is because I can see it leading somewhere and I am choosing to share these things with them. As mature and consenting adults I figure that things can grow into something more. I have hope.
I am a hopeful cow.
What I’m coming to terms with today is that while all of that may be true, it still doesn’t mean that the other consenting adult has to have hope as well. At least not for this situationship. They are completely allowed to accept the milk with zero intention of buying the cow. It is my job as the cow to determine their intentions, listen when they tell me their intentions and decide if this is a situation I want to be in. I may be a cow but I am a free cow. I am not required to remain in any one pasture giving away milk if I don’t want to. I’m also not required to avoid a pasture just because it doesn’t look like the pasture that people in my life think it should be. I’m also allowed to change my mind about what pasture I am in or what type of pasture I want to be in, at any time.
Lately I have been a happy cow. I’ve gone on dates, I’ve had fun nights in, I’ve felt comfortable being myself, I’ve learned that it is possible to be broken by a narcissist and recover and not have all future relationships tainted as a result, I’ve felt safe, and stable, and secure. I’ve laughed and joked. I’ve had good sex. I’ve practiced listening to myself above all the noise of everyone else’s opinions.
I’ve also given away probably some of the greatest milk I’ve ever produced…for free. A conscious choice on my part. One that I have checked in with myself about regularly since making it. One that kept me up all last night.
I don’t know what it means. I don’t know what I’m expecting from writing this other than getting it out of my head. I don’t know if anything will change.
I know that there are things that I want in life. Being a lonely hopeful cow is not one of them. I want to be loved. I want to be in a committed relationship. I want someone to be proud and excited that they get to have all the milk, and the cow. I don’t want to forever give myself away for free. I want to be shown off. I want to be enough. I want to know what kind of hitler-esque asshole I was in a past life that seems to make these thing impossible. But most of all, right now, I want a nap.