*** Disclaimer: There is so much wrong going on in the world and my heart aches. I debated not writing a lighter post, because with children being torn from their parents’ arms, political disaster and silliness on all sides, and people dying, it seemed trivial. However, in times like this, it is sometimes good to remember that isn’t all of life. I also think there are plenty of folks who comment on these things better than I can. What I’ve learned is that as these things happen, we still eat, laugh, have heartbreak, go to work, and continue to live. And so today, I’m writing about dating. I just want you to know, we here at “A Tale…” are not oblivious and our hearts go out to the world.***
Dating is hard. Dating is hard when you live in a rural area. Online dating is also hard. Dating is extra hard when apparently no one has given you dos and don’ts of your dating profile and responding to people (in this case hetereosexual men responding to women). But never fear – I’m here to help you. So now you can’t say you were never warned.
1. Please stop taking pictures with your money fanned out on your bed or held literally as a fan. Also, taking the picture with your daughter or son having money fanned out is equally a “no.” I thought we left that on Black Planet in 2001? I can’t believe I have to say this.
2. Stop writing a long list of things you hate. This makes you seem like a terrible person.
3. Proofread. It doesn’t have to be perfect but if I’m scratching my head trying to piece a sentence into something vaguely resembling a complete thought, it’s not slang. It’s just mumble jumble.
4. Dick imprint profile pics are a “no.” Also, yes, it was me. I reported your picture.
5. When you respond, do not talk about lips or any other part of the other’s body touching yours in the first 5 messages. Actually, not in the first few days unless we mutually agreed upon that is happening/happened. But definitely not in the first 5 messages. No, I do not want to envision myself kissing you.
6. Don’t go from “hey” directly to “when am I going to meet you?” The answer is likely never at that point.
7. You should probably not have all 50 pictures in the same pose in different shirts. It’s just weird.
8. Don’t ask someone to immediately send you more pics. You legit have a whole damn catalog of pics. You’ve only said hello, I dont owe you shit.
9. If you spend the first 5 messages describing all of a person’s physical features, they begin to wonder what are your intentions. I’m just saying. Also, creepy.
10. If it is stated someone is looking for something long term, stop pretending you didn’t know that. And if you didn’t, read the profile.
11. If someone doesn’t answer you immediately, it is not ok to go off on them and how they’re ignoring you for a pretty boy, and that they’re missing out because you have a job, car, house, and you go on vacations. You obviously also have high levels of. insecurity, a temper, and crazy. *unmatch*
12. While asking questions is a great way to get to know someone, asking someone back to back to back questions, unrelated to the previous answer, and not following up, commenting, and finding common ground with answers (aka having a conversation) is jarring and feels like I’m under interrogation until you feel you’ve done enough to ask for my number.
13. Which brings me to if you ask for my number or to continue the conversation off the site and I say I’m not yet ready, you dont have the right to angrily rant at me and that doesn’t mean to do #12 in an attempt to appease me.
14. Say “hi” and then ask me “truth or dare.” I hate this with all of my soul and it causes me anxiety. Just ask me how I’m doing, what I do for work, etc.
15. Respond to all of my questions with something about meeting me today. It gets annoying. For example, Me: what was the most exciting thing today?
You: Matching with you.
Me: So sweet of you. What are you doing this holiday?
You: hopefully you are coming to see me
Me: Lol. Hmmm… idk I’d like to get to know you better first, plus I have plans.
You: You wouldn’t drop your plans for me?
Me: No. Hell no. Fuck no. I don’t know you!!!!
Ok, ok, I never say that. I usually unmatch, but you get my drift.
16. Similarly please don’t respond to my statements with completely unrelated statements.
Me: So, that about sums up what I do at work. I told you it was a little complicated.
You: I’m just thinking about how it would be to see those lips in person.
17. Send me emojis over and over as responses. Especially looking eyes. 👀 THOSE. I love a good emoji but it is annoying when you use it in this way.
18. “Good morning/evening beautiful” has become synonymous with fuck boy when you barely know me. I didn’t write the rule. It just happened. Usually to follow is violation of several of the above.
To end on a positive note, I thought I’d end with a list of “do’s.”
1. Do put up a wide range of pics and look like you enjoy life. I love smiling pics. You’re still a man if you smile, I promise. And you’re sexier immediately to me.
2. Do fill in a bio area. I read every single one. Make it about you and what you like and not what you hate (see above).
3. I am definitely ok with a “hey, how are you?” I don’t need creative pick up lines. I don’t know when it became a crime to just say that.
4. Ask questions about things I wrote in my bio, follow up on common threads, and share info about you.
5. Write more than one word messages.
6. Compliment other parts of me that aren’t physical, i.e. “I can tell you’re really bright or caring.”
7. Talk about a passion of yours. Passion is the key to opening my heart.
8. Make appropriately placed references about Wakanda. I’ll love that.
9. If we have been going back and forth for awhile, we are both sharing info and it doesn’t seem antagonistic, whether for 20 min or 2 days, ask for my number then.
10. Ask me if it’s too late and should we continue in the morning.
11. Continue in the morning if I say yes.
12. Tell me you’re smiling as we’re talking about something non sexual, but interesting. That will make me think you really are into what I’m saying.
13. Use humor, not sarcasm.
What about you all? Have you encountered these things? Agree or disagree? Love to hear from you!