153 Reasons Why I Am Probably Undateable

First of all, please be very clear, this is not 153 reasons why I hate myself, or even 153 reasons why I 100% with a shadow of a doubt believe I am undateable. These are 153 reasons why, because of something someone else has said and done, I have been informed that I am undateable. Well maybe a few of them are things I think have kept me from convincing someone else of how awesome I am to the point that they want to spend a significant amount of their time with me. But who knows. I’ve actually quite enjoyed making this list over the last few days because it’s given me a chance to reflect on different aspects of myself and decide 1. Is it honestly something that would keep me from dating someone else and 2. If it something I want to change. And honestly. The answer to both of those questions is almost always no.

So, in no particular order, for your reading pleasure, 153 reasons why no one has wifed this, put a ring on it or chosen to shoot their shot and stick around for the championship game!

1. I’m not perfect. You will ask me to stop doing something. I will try my hardest and it will still happen. Not because I forgot it, wasn’t listening or didn’t care. I’m just not perfect and change takes time.

2. If we argue, I will cry. Especially if I’m mad, sad or hurt. You may not be able to tell the difference.

3. I have to wear my hair in three braids under a cap a night if I want it to look right in the morning.

4. I have this thing on my left big toe. Don’t know what it is. It’s been there my whole life. Sometimes I cut it with a fingernail clipper but it just grows back. It’s kind of like a wart but it’s not a wart.

5. Speaking of feet. I hate them. I won’t touch yours.

6. Still feet related. Mine aren’t perfect. There’s dry skin and sometimes rough heels. But I’ve been told they are pretty.

7. My nail polish is chipped 95% if the time

8. I smell like coconut. Only an issue if you don’t like the smell of coconuts

9. If we argue, I will talk to my friends, my mom, and my sister about the argument.

10. If we do something cute or fun I will talk to them too. They will know about you and us.

11. I still live with my parents.

12. I’m kind of bad with money. Terrible at saving it. Have never had to pay rent. Have worked since I was 17. Do not have a large savings.

13. I have a daughter. She’s awesome but probably won’t be easy for you to win over. When I talk about her I often refer to her as “my child.” Kind of self explanatory but may be a problem.

14. I’m not a Virgin.

15. I have been with 10 men. Accurate count at the time of this being posted. Can’t say if that’s true based on when you read this.

16. Sometimes when I sleep I do this weird hum thing.

17. Sometimes I snore.

18. Sometimes when I sleep I breathe heavy

19. My thighs are pretty much fused together. A thigh gap is non existent. I’m like a mermaid

20. I hate the gym

21. I’m not a neat freak. I don’t think I’m a slob but my mom would probably argue that (she is a neat freak)

22. I will plan our wedding within a few days of meeting you if I find you remotely interesting.

23. My already planned wedding has hints of Harry Potter in it.

24. I have a fairly intense fascination with Harry Potter. I have a tattoo. Several jewelry items, multiple shirts, wands, underwear, tights, a blanket, the books, some of the movies, purses, wallets and other stuff I’m probably forgetting

25. I’m not a big sports fan. I’m not even a little sports fan

26. I may be able to cook and grill better than you

27. I may be smarter than you

28. I may have more degrees then you

29. I have a tendency to remember random seemingly pointless bits of information and conversations and bring them up later. This is only an issue in arguments and typically then only when I’ve forgotten something important and you’ll use it to make your point about me being terrible.

30. I like the idea of Valentine’s Day

31. My birthday is close to Christmas.

32. I enjoy reading for pleasure. And reading nonsense that won’t teach me anything

33. I blog

34. I will write about you in my blog. Especially if it doesn’t work out or you make me really mad

35. I won’t send you nudes

36. My body is not perfect. My arms jiggle. My stomach is not flat. It’s the opposite. And it’s wrinkly. And hangs over if not constrained by some spanx like apparatus.

(I wish it looked that flawless!)

37. If I don’t wear some sort of spanx type apparatus when in dresses or skirts, my thighs chafe to the point of bruising

38. I bathe ALMOST every day. Sometimes I skip a Saturday.

39. My job can be stressful

40. I will listen intently and respond and you will think I’m counseling you

41. If I offer advice you will think I’m counseling you

42. If I stay silent you will think I’m counseling you

43. I’m bad at grammar

44. I don’t know when to use commas appropriately

45. I’m terrible at math

46. I don’t make my bed

47. I want more children. 4 total is the number that comes to mind when I consider it.

48. When I wash my hair, the amount of hair the comes off my head could provide coats for a large family of naked mole rats.

49. I’m a terrible dancer if not slightly intoxicated.

50. I will not randomly burst out in song and/or dance in public. I will appear uncomfortable in you do. I’ll probably start walking away just because it’s awkward to stand there while someone is dancing. But I couldn’t care less if you do it.

51. It will take me a while to feel comfortable enough to sing or dance around you

52. It will take me a while to feel fully safe and comfortable around you. Any amount of judgement on your part will seriously prolong the process.

53. I enjoy a good margarita, tequila shot, or glass of champagne.

54. My friends and I get together for margaritas and a movie on a semi regular basis.

55. My best friend and I plan to travel internationally once a year for the rest of our lives.

56. I pick my nose

57. Sometimes I get sick and would like to be taken care of

58. I like a good amount of cuddling but can’t sleep up under anyone.

59. If you snore I will contemplate all the ways I could kill you in your sleep sleep.

60. If I don’t already know you I will assume you are a serial killer or just trying to sleep with me until you prove otherwise.

61. I’m not the best driver

62. Sometimes I find myself seriously attracted to women

(I would seriously consider leaving you for Ruby Rose)

63. I am a LGBTQ Ali for sure

64. I’m pretty feminist

65. I’m learning more and more that I can be pro-Black and mixed

66. I still Love most white people

67. I cuss

68. I pray

69. I believe in Jesus

70. I don’t know if I fully believe in the Jesus that religion has presented to me

71. I question things, including people

72. Submission is in my vocabulary but not a easy word to follow

73. I will try really hard to fix things that you point out as being wrong with me to the point of becoming miserable with myself and you will be able to tell and get mad at me therefor perpetuating the cycle

74. I do a lot of introspection and sometimes that can be unhealthy

75. I don’t really know if I believe in karma

76. I eat pork and beef

77. Carbs are life

78. I can’t run

79. I don’t breathe when I talk so it always seems like I’m out of breath

80. I blink really hard to the point that people ask if I have turrets and I sometimes wonder if I do

81. I can’t answer the question “where are you from” with an actual place

82. If we do have kids I will have a difficult time adjusting to coparenting as I have not had to do that thus far

83. I can be petty. Feel free to ask what my most petty moment in life has been. It’s pretty intense.

84. I’ve had some pretty painful past relationships. Those experiences do influence the way I approach the dating world now. As do my good experiences with people. If you think that it is possible to approach dating with a clean slate each time, I would really appreciate if you taught me how to perform that magic trick. As this is not just a fact for dating but life in general.

85. I plan to start confronting people on their bullshit more. You may be the first.

86. Sometimes I like to be alone but I like to still be checked on.

87. I have what I think are pretty reasonable standards but have been informed might be in actuality way too high.

88. I expect you to respect me

89. I expect you to be faithful

90. I expect you to be considerate

91. I expect you to be kind

92. I expect you not to be a hoe

93. I expect you not to have me out here looking stupid

94. I expect you to keep your word

95. I expect you to take me out

96. I expect you to tell the truth

97. I expect you to be mindful of my feelings

98. I expect you to treat me like a woman

99. I expect you not to hit me

100. I expect you to be able to hold an adult conversation in person that does not include yelling or cussing at me

101. I expect you to obey the law

102. I expect you to drink responsible if you choose to do so

103. I expect you to try to understand me and not assume you know me

104. I expect you to mess up

105. I expect you to say sorry

106. I have never been in a fight and don’t plant to start now

107. I really like Cardi B. I tried to deny it but I can’t.

108. I have a love of really bad rap music

109. I don’t follow or understand most pop culture related things

110. I don’t get most black 90’s culture related things

111. I hate coffee

112. I hate hey stranger texts

113. I have tattoos. Some of them reference past relationships

114. I have a tattoo of a maple leaf that matches my sister’s tattoo. I got it on my first date with my ex

115. Sometimes I obsess over things

116. I enjoy trying new things but have serious anxiety surrounding being embarrassed and failing.

117. I struggle with change

118. I need pretty consistent attention

119. If Obama could eat dinner with his family most nights of the week when he was president. I expect that you can send a text message consistently and set aside some time weekly.

120. I’m fairly easily pleased

121. I like creativity

122. I like simple things

123. I’m an introvert

124. You have an idea in your head if who I am. I promise you that’s not me.

125. I won’t fight for you. Literally. I will not fight another person for you. And figuratively. If you choose to walk away I will not chase after you. I will fight like hell while you are here. But the second you choose to leave I will willingly and quietly let you go.

126. I’ve decided to stop begging people to want to spend time with me or be with me.

127. I have a couple really great male friends who aren’t going anywhere.

128. I will be suspicious of your female friends if they are single and you spend more time with them than me.

129. I have some trust issues.

130. I’m not aware of all of my issues and flaws.

131. I enjoy country music

132. I’m hairy. I have an ex who would jokingly make the Chewbacca sound to discuss how hairy I am. I’m not that bad. But a few years back I participated in no shave November and it changed my life. I shave my armpits if I’m going to have a tank top on and be raising my arms. I shave my legs for special occasions. And if your expecting a pre-pubescent vaginal area…well I will question your life choices.

133. I’m tall

134. I like to take hot baths and read. No you can’t join. First of all, if we both can fit in a standard size tub you are probably like 4ft even and 95 lbs.

135. I appreciate tall men. This is my one super vain hope in a partner. But even it is negotiable.

136. I’ve been told I am intimidating

137. I suffer from resting bitch face

138. I can have some pretty impressive PMS moments

139. Sometimes I engage in tit for tat

140. My sense of humor takes some adjusting to.

141. I can joke with a straight face.

142. Sometimes I feel like I’m laughing and obviously joking but apparently I’m not because people still think I’m serious or mad

143. I don’t like to argue

144. Sometimes I overshare on social media

145. My mind does not think in terms of song lyrics. I will never respond with drop top if you say raindrop.

146. I ask for too much

147. I don’t ask enough questions

148. I can’t sleep with the tv on

149. You will have a very small window of opportunity to convince me to come back after an argument or you walking away (see #125). If you choose not to use it because you want to teach me a lesson and then pop up several days later, then I have already been given several empowering pep talks by my friends, coworkers and mother. You will not get the response you want. You will probably be confused. I will probably only feel bad for a few moments. But I will remember that I am the shit and you shouldn’t have had to lose me to figure that out. The length of the window of opportunity is directly proportional to the number of fuckboys, narcissist or failed attempts at relationships I have encountered before you. The more of those you’re fighting against, the less time you have.

150. Sometimes my eyebrows are not on fleek. See # 132

151. I have a past. A life before you. It’s not perfect. It’s not the worst. But it’s mine and I won’t be made to feel bad about it.

152. I really enjoy going to the movies. It’s my happy place.

153. I have this thing where I like to walk with people on my right side if no one is on both sides of me. I will move to make this possible if need be. You will notice. It’s a balance thing and slightly related to my hatred of odd numbers.

If you made it this far…THANK YOU…you are my favorite type of person.

I think my plan is to just share the link to this post with anyone who shows interest in me and be like “here. Read this. Then let me know if you still want these problems.”

Author: ashtay111

29 and 9 months, the exact age I became to old for this shit. I love Jesus but I cuss a lot. Mother, daughter, friend, counselor, drama queen, former INFJ trying to to get used to life as an INFP, terrible at grammar and spelling, occasionally creative, writer, baker, free-spirited soul just trying to figure it all out like the rest of the world.

7 thoughts on “153 Reasons Why I Am Probably Undateable”

  1. This made me laugh..sounds interesting. You wont believe how I got here, saw you on Tinder and I read your bio then I googled ‘153 reasons bla bla bla’ …worth the stress

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This made me laugh..sounds interesting. You wont believe how I got here, saw you on Tinder and I read your bio then I googled ‘153 reasons bla bla bla’ …worth the stress

    Liked by 1 person

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