What’s Keeping Me Up at 3 a.m.

1. Debt. How is that one can have more debt than ever and simultaneously the best credit they have ever had? The system that’s what.

2. Even plus sized models are airbrushed. I recently got to meet one of my faves in person, and although stunningly beautiful (like I’m jealous), she is clearly photoshopped quite a bit. This helps because I have been having a bad body image week, and seeing plus women with all flat tummies has not been helpful.

3. But then I just saw a “curvy” untouched model who says she is normal and is half my size with no stretch marks. Feeling a little terrible again.

4. My relationship with food is a nightmare, especially now with health concerns. I worry about everything I put in mouth, I feel out of control often even if I’m cutting something into thirds or fourths, and I make a lot of nutritious choices, but also a lot not so much. I envy people with no sweet tooth or wine craving. I should not be up worrying about meals ate yesterday and all the people with more self control than me. I am a therapist, I know this unhealthy. And yet, here we are.

5. Speaking of food and health conditions, I’m so afraid I’m going to die or become really sick young. And yet, making a lifestyle change is harder now than ever before.

6. For one, I’m tired of dieting. I’ve done it all my life. And now, I need that control more than ever.

7. I haven’t worked out in two weeks. Sure, I have walked miles most days, I can climb stairs with minimum effort now, but that seems to do little for my waistline or arms. I feel kinda huge compared to everyone. It’s not enough.

8. I’m ready for the snow today. That will help make it feel like the holidays.

9. Can’t believe NC got snow before I did!

10. I hope the mouse in my apartment is dead. Haven’t seen him since the super put out the poison. Living in the city is weird.

11. Will I ever find love? Am I even cut out for a relationship?

12. Plane flights. Coming back from NC after the holidays has not been planned yet. They are expensive right now. Ok, not awful, but the return flights were cheaper 6 weeks ago when I bought my outbound flight. Wasn’t ready to commit though.

13. Why am I always warm? I could use a little a/c and it is 30°F outside and my fan is on. Something might be wrong with me.

14. I think writing this all out helped clear my mind.

Back to sleep I go.

Author: Lee

Just a woman who laughs a little too loudly, making people constantly stare, states her mind always, sings offkey, embraces her afrocentricity, and drops the F-Bomb entirely too much. My hobbies include honing my highly sensitive person skills, trying to find that poor, rare man that can love all of this and I, him, overthinking, fighting for injustices, and listening to old school R&B and neosoul while drinking wine and cooking in my kitchen. I love the other two bloggers here with all my heart and happy to be doing this blog with them!

One thought on “What’s Keeping Me Up at 3 a.m.”

  1. I’m always cold. Wanna switch places? We have very similar relationships with food and lifestyle change. I go through phases and I’m trying to get back to the lots of veggies, daily walking, one hour sweat sessions phase I had going on at the beginning of the year. I liked it. It was working. And I stopped. I think part of me is scared to actually be my best.
    Debt is a robber of peace. Thankfully(?), you’re not alone. So many people are haunted by it. Maybe you could find your tribe to get to the other side together.

    Liked by 1 person

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