Dear Current Self,
This is Future LeAnna. I see you girl. You’re struggling right now. I know that your body is changing faster than and in more ways you can imagine. Maybe it’s the medications you are on, maybe it’s the new city, maybe it’s your hormones, or growing older? I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like your old tricks are working anymore – you workout regularly, you walk more than ever, you eat well most of the time, and nothing works. And when you do lose weight, your body shape is really different from super past LeAnna. You need to purge many clothes that don’t make you feel good and don’t fit, and you need to buy new clothes, and dammit, as much as you love to shop, this a been a slow, somber, and laborious process. And you’re really struggling with if this is ok, is it enough? Every picture and many mirrors point to “no,” at least you believe.
You’ve really come far on this whole self-love and body acceptance thing, but you’ve had a long time to come, and so no, this isn’t perfect or quick or near. Mixed messages are driving you fucking insane. You know the ones – love yourself, but then people lose weight and are happier and have “post pics” where they’re smiling and shit. And even though you’ve got your health and diabetes now under good control (like non diabetic numbers), you still have this fear that you’re somehow sloppy and unhealthy and others think that of you based on your size, and there’s a good type of “plus,” the one that everyone else is but you – you know curvy in the right places, proportionate and a fat ass, and I’m not sure why you take these so personally, but you do (don’t worry, you’ll figure this out and be more compassionate in the future. Remember you always figure it out).
I know that these past two weeks, every time you look in the mirror, you’ve struggled to see the beauty in your eyes, your crooked smile, your balding hair (another post, another day, don’t come from me or I’ll come for you), your bushy brows (I meeeeean, why the hell did you wait so long to get them done though?), and your squishy belly (by the way this is genetic). You’ve questioned if is this why he decided he no longer wanted you in your life? You were sweet, you supported him during hard times, you were bomb in bed, and you were authentic. But maybe, just maybe, he couldn’t get past your curves, the cushion, the arms that are muscular (the doctor even commented on how muscular they were when she put that nexplanon in your arm), but still kinda squishy. Maybe my eyes weren’t the right shade of green or hazel or the dimples in my thigh too deep? Maybe my double digit dress size would have been more appeasing in a single digit? Who knows why they disappear? But it leaves you in anxiety, but just as Past Lee learned, you will continue to learn, that these doubts are symptoms of your trauma and other shit, and you’ll continue to grow compassion for that part of you, instead of blaming it for others failing to love and see you. I know right now, you’re rolling your eyes, and saying that Future Lee is full of BS. But you’ll come to accept that more too.
Current Lee, I want you to know that you’re beautiful. And that reading this right now fills your heart with quickening beats of anxiety and doubt, and oddly, guilt for reading this statement (you never think you deserve this).. But you are. People are not lying about how your smile, eyes, and freckles make you beautiful. And when they see your beauty, they really do mean you’re beautiful on the outside, and not because they know you or love your personality, but in light all of that, you are. People are not lying about your energy; it’s your gift – use it. Your size is fine. Your body is fine. Your shape is fine. It’s actually better than fine. Girl, you are fine. You are healthy. You do enough. You are flexible and can run. It’s enough. No one judges you running down the street and if they do, fuck them; you’re powerful girl.
You have never loved your body fully; even when you exercised for hours a day, skipping lunch, and was half your size, on the verge of an eating or exercise disorder, and even your father commented on your small size and lack of eating. This is a symptom of something bigger, and future Lee wants you to know, that you will overcome this. It gets better. You deserve love and light and wonderful things, and you will get these things – as soon as you stop standing in your own way. You’re making progress though, you are just having a bad couple of weeks, letting self-loathing have a go at your life. But Current Lee, I love you fiercely – past, current and future – even when you can’t feel it. You are the love of my life. You are my soulmate. I’m waiting on you, Current Lee. You just have to get your shit together and accept my unconditional love. I know you want it. And you deserve it.
You. Are. More. Than. Enough. Today.
With love until the end of time and then even more,